Statistics of Divorce

They say that 50% of first, 75 % of second and 87% of third marriages will end in divorce.

That is a staggering rate that anyone bothers to calculate statistics after one. When you ( the collectiev you) get married, the vows state for better or worse, sickness and in health, good times and bad til DEATH DO YOU PART. This means that just because things gobadly from time to time that you should hire an attorney and try to decimate your once beloved in a courtroom proceeding.

Now I am not saying that a spouse who has suffered at the hans of an abuser should be in a lifelong marriage to someone who beats on them, but the majority of marriages end because one person has lost faith, has lost their way on morality or is just plain tired. In these cases, there is counseling available, marriage retreats etc to help restore the health to the marriage so that the vows that were once taken can remain in tact and both parties can be reminded of the foundation that thir marriage was founded on.

Personally I am at the point in my life where my marriage may or may not work out. There has been a lot of water under the bridge, But I am fighting to hold onto the bridge and not let it be blown to hell. I love my husband and I have admitted to my faults. I am not perfect, far from it really, and I am trying to make amends on a daily basis. When I married my husband, I was under the assumption (and you know what they say about assming) that it was a forever union.
As of yet, I haven't given up hope, faith and Love and the greatest of these is LOVE.

The Religous State of America

As you might be able to tell, I have been to church again this evening and as always I walk away pondering the message that I have heard.

Tonight I was brought again the idea about how our society continues to push religion out of everything. We want it out of our schools, our government and our daily lives because frankly most people can't be bothered with it and the implications of what it means to be a believer in God and in Jesus Christ. During all this time that people (and not just in America, but I am focusing here since it is home), God was tired of falling on deaf ears. He stepped back and said I'm not one to be where I am not wanted. Then we take a look at the state of our economy, our families, the divorce rate, the educational system..... the list goes on and on.

And is it any wonder? We have chased God from every aspect of our lives and yet when things go wrong we curse him for not giving us our way. We need to remember that it is not about our way, but about HIS. We need to invite him back into our everyday lives and embrace Him.

He is not far however, because when His children accept him and desire Him to be near, He is there for them. We begin one person at a time, one family at a time. It truly does show that one person can make a difference in the lives of many. After all, look at the amazing life of Jesus Christ and how he died for all of us to forgive our sins...............

P.S. The Pledge of Allegiance does say "One Nation Under GOD,...."

Priority or Option

I saw a bumper sticker on facebook that said "Don't make someone a priority when they make you an option". I thought it was referring to love relationships, but now after much reflecting I know it can refer to any relationship.

I have realized that my entire life can be summed up by saying that I am only an option to everyone that I have ever known. I am viewed as a strong woman who can take care of herself, therefore I never need to be anything but an option.

Why, just because I am strong, do I not qualify to be someone's priority?

Being Cranky, so sharing my rants.....

I am sufficiently cranky. It is almost Christmas and I am alone. I miss my husband so much that my insides actually hurt. I have proposed some options to my husband about our future and now I wait in hopes that he can see that we can have a future together and that very marriage has rough patches that need to be worked through. I believe that we can grow from this experience and become stronger together.

Now since I am cranky, I wanted to share a few other thoughts that have made me pretty crazy:

A good Samaritan stops to help a woman out of her car after an accident because he feared the car would catch fire before paramedics arrived. The driver is now a paraplegic because of the accident and blames the good Samaritan for the disability. A court actually cleared this for trial so that the paralyzed woman can sue the good Samaritan for taking her out of the car because this action MAY have caused the paralysis and did save her life from the car that was hanging off a ledge.

WTF people..... what the hell has the world come to that we find it okay to punish those that stop to help others because they actually care about the welfare and safety of another human being. This is why I really dislike people. Give them an inch and they will take a mile. This is also what is wrong with out society today. We find whatever reason to sue another person when they though they were trying to help and we end up taking them to court to run our own agenda and bend them over and shove it up their rear. This is the slippery slope that we find ourselves on when confronted with a moral dilemma to help someone or stay quiet while someone is victimized. We voluntarily step into another person's life in an attempt to help, we become the scapegoat for altering the future they were riding along on the coattails of....

Where does this stop?

Onto the next:

Illinois - really people were you really this blind to see what your governor was doing with his power? At least you can join the recent list of state governors whose time in office was marred by their incompetence and the inability to do right for their constituenta and they did for themselves. Whether you are a gay governor harassing staff or a governor who pays for call girls while he claims to be cleaning up the streets or the governor who actions off job positions and lobbies for better kick backs, we can definitely find a reason to laugh while our economy falls into the toilet.

OPEC nations are bullies and terrorists-

Why do I say this? This week on the news we saw that the OPEC nations met and they announced that they are cutting production of oil because barrels of oil have become priced too low for them to be able to balance their budget. What does this mean for us? Gas prices are about to begin that climb upwards. It was fun while it lasted.....

Western Washington and the lack of snow equipment -

Dumbasses - here's a news flash: global warming does not mean that everywhere gets warm. This is my fourth December here in Western Washington. The first year there was a dusting of snow. The second year, there was snow, ice and wind that caused the loss of power. Last year more snow and slippery conditions and the grand finale - this year we are having the worst snow storm since 1996. Now that may not seem like a big thing especially for a girl raised in New England with the great Nor'easter but there is a huge difference between New England and here. There hey have SNOW PLOWS AND SANDERS AND DE-ICERS! You dumb m - f'-ers the last three years have gotten worse incrementally and you stupid a-holes would rather spend money on what??? than provide safe roads for people to function. I have not been to work since Wednesday because the roads are snow on top of ice on top of snow on top of ice.

I feel like I have traveled back in time by living out here. I am on my way to becoming a back woods hick as we speak - that means I will use a shotgun on my car's wheels to loosen lug nuts and become a drunk and disorderly while throwing my dog at police officers and driving up to the local bank teller and accidentally depositing an envelope of meth.... That people, are real stories that have happened out here.. you can't make up that kind of redneck shit.

I am sure there are more things but I need to get some sleep or something - on the off chance tomorrow brings work.... or on a miracle - a snow plow!

"In these tough economic times"

You read the title, so I am not going to say it again. Tonight I was half listening to the news as I was working on my homework and there seemed to be this overwhelming sense of being underwhelmed by the positive information in the news. Every fifteen minutes I hear "In these tough economic times". Really? We need to be reminded as we watch the depressing news that our country, and the world, are in a financial shithole.

I guess the only upside to this is that the whole world is f-ed so its not just us going to hell in a handbasket. We'll have company as we slide down the drain into a third world country.

Enjoy your clean running water, electricity and heat while it lasts.

Ding Dong, It's Avon Calling

No, I haven't taken up to selling Avon, the title does have a point though.

Back in the day, if someone rang your doorbell, it was the avon lady or even the girl scouts with their cookies. Nowadays I have been peddled everything from a carpet shampoo to religion and yes even the process server ( whom left as I was screaming at him "How do you think I can have a GOOD weekend")

I live in the land of no sun between October and April to when I say its dark at 4pm, it really is. Last night someone knocked on my door at 5:13pm. It is pitch black and I don't have my front porch light on ( I live in a little subdivision) I could hear the people outside, and Bayley barked feverishly at them (who knew a beagle could be so ferocious?), but there was no way on God's green earth I was opening that door. You want me to throw open my door when its dark out and I am not expecting you?

I am not the typical person - I would rather have an axe murderer than a magazine sales person who is waging a contest to go to some great foreign land and their success depends on you selecting one of their many magazines- be at my door.

I did however come up with a clever idea last evening, later anyways... next time I will just bellow " Hang on a minute, I'm getting my shotgun" That should not only take care of the problem, it will qualify me as the young crazy woman on the block. This is easier than amassing a large amount of cats.

This season = Nausea

I know that this season is meant to be one of good cheer and goodwill. In my crrent situation I want to change Merry Christmas for Merry F-mas and the music makes me ill.

I know the economy sucks and its the orse recession since 1947 but damn it people, most of you still have your family to be thankful for and be with.

There is nothing that money can currently buy me that I would want. All I want is my family back. That means I want my husband and step son to come home. I see advertisements for the Seattle argosy Christmas cruise and I think it is something I would like to do... only if I can share it with them. I want to put up a Christmas tree ... but only with them. Do you see the pattern yet?

I sit here a prisoner of the season. I can't handle the television commercials that are based on the holiday, I can't go into the stores because the holiday music grips me in panic and forces e to run in a cold sweat from their buildings. Next week is the work Christmas party. I am trying to think of a viable excuse not to go. We are a small non profit and I like everyone I work with . most of the time hah! However, they will all be there with their spouses and I honestly don't think I can handle that. I don't want to celebrate anything and I certainly don't need a parade of happy couples in front of me.

If I thought I couldn't stop crying before, but moving into this holiday season has made the pain unbearable. I feel the weight of my emotions crushing me and the pain from missing my Shafer men is piercing my hear and soul.

I am tired of not being worthy enough to keep the people in my life that are important to me. My dad deserted my familyat this time of year and now my husband and stepson have abandoned me too. There is so much in my life that is unfair and yet it keeps coming without apology. I wish there was an end in sight.

Punishment

I realized earlier I mentioned someone said that I was being punished and I relaized I didn't go further into that.

I know that I have a problem spending money. I have admitted this.
I know I have not been the best step mom ( or the worst) I have admitted this.
I have tried to do the right things. I have admitted that I thought I was doing right by my family
I have an unnatural need to be in control. I have admitted this.
I also say sarcastic things that hurt people. I have admitted this and am sorry for the scars I have left because of this.

I HAVE NOT been unfaithful, been physically abusive or intentionally abusive emotionally or mentally.

People, what I am saying is that I am human and I have faults. I have apologized and acknowledged my problems and taken a long look at myself. I hope that whatever I am being punished for, I hope that I am found to be humble and repentive.

The One Thing I Want For Christmas

I am absolutely sure about the one thing I want for Christmas.

It is not something that can be bought.

It cannot be forced.

It cannotbe bargined for.

I want my family back together.... here... with me.

Can anyone help me with this wish? Please!

Psychiatric Medications and McDonald's Cheeseburgers

Here I am still trying to make contact with my husband and feeling kinda down. I show up to my medication appointment this afternoon and when asked how I am, I become hysterical. Why? well, my life is a mess and I sleep no more than 3 hours a night. I am crying and telling this doctor that my meds are not working and I need to be taken off of them - what I get in return are prescriptions for higher doses of what I am on. I had not done an effective job of showing how well adjusted I am for her to take me off of the meds. So here I am will higher doses and the promise that this will help me sleep and improve the constant crying that is going on. Apparently I am taking anough meds to tranquelize a Rhinocerous and yep.. I only sleep 3 hours. Go figure. My metabolism is so messed up, I can't even take meds in an appropriate dose to be normal. Not to mention it is alluded to that I am being punished by my husband. I thought that was an interesting comment. I know he had spoken with her once, but she could not tell me about once and I get that. But if this is about punishing me, I think I have endured a lot emotionally and I still want my family back no matter what it takes. I am tired of hearing how strong I am. I am not saying those comments are not appreciated, just that being strong is not how I feel right now. I do however know that some have seen my ability to get up, gt dresses and show up for work everyday since Scott left me as a huge accomplishment. Another accomplishment is being 2 classes into my Masters with a 4.0 GPA.

Anyways onto the Cheeseburger -

So being pathetic and having a pity party for one, I stop by McDonald's and get a couple cheeseburgers. Whenever I get a cheeseburger from McD's I have to smell it. I know that sounds strange, but there is something comforting about the smell of a cheeseburger ala Happy Meal. Anyways, cheeseburgers in hand I came home and here I blog before returning to schoolwork and an attempt at sleeping with double meds on board. Maybe tomorrow I will wake up with an optimistic outlook on life.... although I am almost certain that until I am able to make contact with my husband I will piss on the cherrios of anyone who makes me mad. If I were you, I wouldn't let me near your food items........

What more can I say?

Everyday I get up, I go to work, run errands, do homework etc. and the only things I can think of are Scott and Blake. Everything I do I want to share with them. I am heart broken for my family, I miss them and I want them to come back. What else is there to say?

All I can say is that I hope God is working on this situation. I know there is a reason for everything and that there are no coincidences in life. I know what I feel will be the outcome here, but I am anxious and tired of hurting inside everyday while I wait for my family to return to me.

Please God give me the strength to persevere and let yourself into my families heart. Allow them to see that I want them back, that they want to come back and that we belong here together.

Wife goes on...

Heard that line in the advertisement for a TV show and thought it appropriate.

I get up each day and slug through my so called life. Some days are better than others and as you are reading this you are probably wondering whats constitutes a good day.... and the answer would be any day that I get through and don't break down crying. Today was not a good day, and now that I think of it, there are few good days at all in this situation.

Tonight I had to stop at Walmart to get the usual puppy pee pee pads that have become a staple here at chez shafer. They are playing Christmas music in the store. Due to my current situation the thoughts of the upcoming holidays make me nauseous and I break out in a burning sweat. It was all I could do to get through the store, pay and get to the car. I got to church early so I went upstairs to the sanctuary where they hold Sunday services. I sat in the empty hall and wept. i miss my husband, I miss my son, I miss my family and my life. I am empty and dead inside and nothing makes it better. I put on a brave face when I step foot out the door, but even then there are times I can't keep it together.

And it just gets worse.

I pray to GOD all the time. I ask for his guidance, his advice and I feel that I am being lead to fight for my marriage. There is no anger, no malice only hurt. I feel that if my husband would just talk to me, we could resolve whatever problems we have together thus making our marriage stronger in the meantime. I pray everyday that he will accept God into his heart and be lead to give our marriage another chance.

When I got down into the gym, I was met by the mother in law of my friend who gave me and each of her daughter in laws with roses. It was a moment that I know God was working by telling me that I am loved.

I only hope this means that God is working behind the scenes and soon all will be revealed. In the meantime, while I am praying for God's help with my marriage, I need to do my homework. It has been increasingly difficult to stepout of my self wallowing to get assignments done on time, but somehow I always pull it off and a good grade to boot.

Breaking My Silence

On September 30, 2008 my husband of three years walked out the door on me. I am dessimated by this, but this is not all about me in the poor me waay you might think. Its about being accountable for my actions and how I hurt the mot important people in my life. If I am going to talk the talk I need to walk the walk about accountability.

There was a list of how I had wronged him, B and our marriage. I admit that I am far from perfect but I really tried to be what everyone wanted me to be. I struggle every day with thoughts of my husband and son. I think about them when I see something funny and I want to tell one of them about it. I want to call my husband and say I miss you and I Love you, See you tonight. I want to tell me how much fun I'm not in his playful way. I miss them and I want them to come home to me... but I know that is selfish too. Just one more black mark against me.

I am obnoxious, hard headed, controlling, dictatorial, mean and short tempered. I cry often when I get stressed or upset. I am to much for others to be around. I lack the ability to be touchy feely when others need that type of reassurance from me. I could tell you about the perception I have of my childhood, of the things I know that happened and try to justify things, but in the end I am scarred and damaged and apparently it rubs off on those that I love the most and turns them against me.

My husband, S is the greatest man I have ever known. He is Loving and warm, passionate and kind, generous, handsome, strong, forgiving and my best friend. Or at least he was. Not only have I LOST MY HUSBAND, but my best friend as well.

As I sit here typing this for the world to see my wounds and for those to throw salt in, I want you all to reflect on the significant people in your life. Never take them for granted, communicate with them so much that there isn't anything left unsaid, know that there isn't anything too big that through communication, hard work and undying love that can't be fixed and that True Love Never Dies.
I am fightng for my marriage in the only ways I know how, and hoping I don't anger S in the process. I am trying get him to see that I acknowledge my faults,I am asking for his help and forgiveness and I desperately want him back.

B and I have our share of troubles, more than some families, less than others. But this is something that makes us unique and entertaining to the outside world. They could put us ina cage together and give tours to outsiders for money.

What I am saying to all of you is that yes, I have my faults. Some are bigger than others. Somewhere along the way, my husband lost the faith that he could communicate with me openly because I was afraid and angry. Things has transpired that made me feel that way and instead of voicing them in a non confrontational manner, every time I let myself be wounded, I lashed out.

I made it impossible for him to trust me and I ruined the greatest thing I ever had in my life - my love, my husbands respect for me, his trust in me, our future together.

I sit here, a thirty one year old woman, blubbering uncontrollably because I have ruined my marriage. I have tried to contact my husband numerous times to apologize, to try to work things out but I have damaged things so badly that he cannot possibly think of one reason why he should give me another try.

Let's face it people, I f-ed up royally. I had the greatest guy in the world and I blew it. I have begged and pleaded and bargained with GOD and with Scott and to no avail.

Simply put, I want my husband and my son back. I am tired of aching every day and every night for them. I cry all the time and as a matter of fact,this blog has taken me over an hour to write because I can't stop blubbering tonight. And so goes the pattern. I cry, a piece inside me dies and I feel empty and hollow inside without my Shafer men. They make me laugh and cry and angry but with them around i always felt alive inside. They cheered me on through hard times with homework because they believed in me, and I failed them.

I hope this blog finds them well and happy. Even though I want them to come back to me, I know I can't control that even if I want it with all of my being and soul and heart. I hope they can see this as another apology that is true and pure. I hope S & B an find it in their hearts and souls to forgive me and come back home to give me another chance.

My friends, please pray for our family during this difficult time.

I have learned through counseling that forgiveness is essential for helping to move on. If I have ever wronged any of you I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me and for those of you who have said or done hurtful things to me, I have learned to truly forgive you to set myself free from the weight of hurt I have carried for so long.

I am blessed to have each one of you in my live (even if you don't comment on my blog, LOL)

Where in the World are the Shafers

Summer is upon us and the Navy has graciously allowed my husband to take leave for the first time since last June. The price of gas, airline tickets, food etc has been on our minds. We have decided to travel by.......CAR!!!!

Aren't you excited for me? Actually I came up with a rather cool itenirary to keep us occupied.

We start late on July 1st( Because even though the Navy says you start leave that day, it starts at 4pm and you are charged a full day of leave anyways....) That night we will stay in Roseburg , OR.

July 2nd will bring a full day of travel, but by sun down we should be in Anaheim, CA outsides the gates of Disneyland!!!!!

July 3rd, we will leave part way through the day from Disney and drive to Las Vegas , Baby! We will stay the night at the Luxor and see STOMP out loud at Planet Hollywood.

July 4th we will drive to the South Rim of the Grand Canyon and stay the night in Flagstaff.

July 5th we will drive to Roswell, NM for the last day of the Alien Festival. We will partake in the alien haunted house, the after dark parade and the streets shops.


** Interupted finish later****

Bad Humans, No Tomatoes for You

So yet another summer is upon us ( Unless you live in Washington, with the dreary days, cold weather and yes you heard the weather man correct, snow in June) and we are restricted from some food source. First it was lettuce, then beef, now tomatoes. What is the world coming to that our source of "nutrition" is altered with growth hormones and harmful bacteria. We are the ones responsible for the super-sized kids, the lack of nutritional guidelines and what is happening to our athletes ( after all they could be telling the truth that they only ate meat and drank milk) We are failing our kids every step of the way by allowing these things to happen. First we destroyed the family owned farms by pushing them into bankruptcy and then to compensate we drug the cattle, inject into vegetables and clone animals for the purpose of replacing the natural stuff we used to take for granted.

I think this is all a conspiracy by the underground farmers association of America to take back the land that was wrongly taken from them by "The Man"...... Just a thought

Return of the Blog

HELLO All -

Since I have been on hiatus due to my own writers strike ( insert panel laughter here), I have much to tell you my people ( all 7 of you).

Okay so firstly, Blake was suspended and then expelled from school. This stupid, outragous instance is the final straw in how bad the school sysytem is out here. I wish I could post the specifics, but since we have retained a lawyer to sue the hell out of the district for procedural misconduct, I will refrain from giving specifics.
I will tell all of you out there, that the girls we all hated back in school for trying to make trouble where there wasn't any are grown up and teaching their teen daughters to continue this wretched behavior.
I am now officially one class away from finishing my Bachelors of Science in Criminal Justice with a concentration in Special Populations. This turns out to be handy at my new job at the Dispute Resolution Center of Kitsap County. I am the admin assistant, but trust me this job is great. Not only because I work with some really cool people, but on a daily basis I have affirmations that my life is not that screwed up.
We are also currently trying to get Mr. sassypants on the right track. His Dr says he is ADHD with ODD, S thinks that he is just a normal teenager ( an oxy moron if I ever heard one) some say he is a psychopathic child and I have even heard him referred to as Aspergery ( is that even a word?)
All I know is he is more difficult than he should be.

I also will be going in for a sleep study the end of June. I am excited that someone is listening to me about my lack of sleep for the last few years and that there may be help on the horizon. I may sleep and feel rested when I wake up..geessh who knew life could be sooooo good to me.
My questions is if I feel rested will I lose my sarcastic edge.......NAH !!!!!

Welcome back into my life friends... I will be following with more soon

Super Secret Spy Sedan?

Okay so many of you may not know about the new car. Yup, finally got a brandy new one. you might say, was ta good idea to get a car right now? The answer is It is when your transmission craps out and it will cost twice as much as the car is worth to fix it. So in March we leased a Scion XB. The previous incarnations of this vehicle looked like a toaster.... Ok o now that you have the image, round it a bit and stream line it and that is the hot looking 2008 model.
So tonight we go on base, and there is one of those speed measure thingys flashing on the side of the road. It clocks the vehicle in front of us at 26mph. Now there is a good 25 yards between us, and as it should, it reverts to black preparing for my approach..... steady, steady going by and no reading.... I was going 36 in a 40 and I registered no reading? Have I just realized my power of invisibility? I mean I know people treat me that way, but geesh.. now I have proof. Hubby looked over at me and said how did you do that? Don't know but now I know people can't see me coming.....
Just think of the possibilities

Time flies when you are bangin your head against the wall

So time as always has slipped away and since April is almost over, I find myself now trying to play catch up informing y'all what is going on.

Firstly - B got into a situation at school, and while I personally was able to prove that he was not the stalker ( IE phone records and notes written by said stalkee) He was suspended from school. Scott took half the time and I took the other half, but alas my job basically asked for my resignation due to the amount of time I need off to tend to B's continual issues. No bad feelings, like my boss said, she has to do what is best for her business and I need to do what is best for my family. I guess that counts as the second thing. Thirdly my depression has gotten worse. My new psychiatrist ( not navy issue) is trying to figure out if I may be bipolar. Yup I am about to be as crazy as Britney Spears... I knew we were kindred spirits. My first medication change brought me Dr Jekyll and Mrs Hyde and Run Away as fast as you Can. Not a good look for me. This new med change has been better for everyone. Its never good when you try to change one problem by hulking out on people, so this one is definitely an improvement. this past week brought my grandmother fallin (again) having to spend time in the nursing home for a week and the 9th anniversary of my grandfathers passing.
A quick recap shows that the strain of the past few weeks has not killed me or made me completely insane..... yet

Tun in later for another riveting chapter in " You are so lucky this is not your life"

Bathroom = Den of Solitude

Have you ever wondered why some people take reading material to the bathroom with them? I have discovered since having a teenager move in with me that the bathroom is usually the one place I can go and be alone. My bathroom is the place where I can safely read my text books, cry or scream in the shower or just have a few moments to collect my discombobulated thoughts. The crazy thing is, I often have my best thoughts in there ( such as this blog for instance). My bathroom is my sanctuary, my sanity saver. It's good no matter where the military sends us, I will always have at least one in my home to run to and call my own. I enjoy my den of solitude and hope you will all find one of your own.

The Importance of Real Friends

Lately I have been reflecting on the importance of friends. For the whole five of you that read my blog, I know you can understand where I am coming from. We have all had those people in our lives that suck and drain the energy and the will to live straight out of you. These are the 'toxics'. Now I am not saying that your friends will always be easy on you and there will be no draining encounters, but most friends can appreciate the give and take of a relationship. There are those that believe that the opposite party in the friendship should be accountable for all forms of communication while they sit back and crap on you for your lack of effort, time and energy for being the lackey. There are those that don't care whether you initiate the contact or not, but their only conversational topic is themselves and anything that is troubling you is non existent and no reason for them to bother themselves if it doesn't somehow affect them. These are the 'one siders'. There are those truly special gems that we come across that can continue to be your friends once you have moved, can always be counted on and can give as much to the relationships they take from it. These are the friends that get you through the tough times, never ask for more information than you are willing to give and are always available to stand up for you, behind you or beside you when needed. They will commiserate with you, console you and put you in check if you over step your bounds. These are the ones that it is important to keep close to you for they will be there for you long into the future, overlook your flaws and annoying habits and accept you as you are.

I need a muse

Week 5 in my Juvenile Justice class.
2 assignments to go
need a little ....

INSPIRATION to get to them and do them..

because I am already on BREAK WEEK BABY

Ode to my Spotbot

My lovely litte Spotbot. You have been a true friend to me.
Having two fur babies has left some soiled carpets and you were there to help clean them up.
You left cropcircle like designs on my carpet for all to see
But alas, the workload was too much
You stopped beeping
Your light went dim
you refuse to work anymore
Our two years have come to an end when you left me with a mess that you would not clean up
Could not clean up
Im plug you in and .......
Nothing
I bid you farewell, my dear friend
Enjoy your eternal slumber
We got a Little Green now.............

Toilet Paper: A Users Guide

Now I know that my girls reading this are going to Amen, but I have to say it anyways....

Men- We know that you do't like doing spontaneous "chores", but when you use the last squares of the TP in the bathroom, CHANGE IT. Don't leave it for your wife, mother, sister or some other raandom female passing through to take care of it. I know you feel that you don't use 'all that much' and that since the greatest percentage of squares used is by a female, that doesn't mean that you should just walk away leaving nothing for the next person.

This also means do not use just enough to leave two squares for the next person, because guaranteed, that last one is glued to the role. This entire process is not that hard people.......

Bottom line- change the role when it nears empty, leave more than none and you might just get lucky afterwards !!!!!

The Self Importance Syndrome

Daily, I encounter people who puff up their own self importance for the display and benefit of others. It happens while I am in my car, at work, on the phone, at the grocery store and the list goes on. In our society, we have become a nation absorbed in keeping up with the Jones's. This means in an attempt to do this we often place our ego and self worth on a pedestal next to our treasures to make us look better or bigger or more "All that and a bag o chips"
I have encountered situations in my life where personal issue's are brought forth before others in an attempt to garner attention. I know we are all guilty of this, because quite frankly, when faced with adversity, we tend to close ranks and lament to anyone who will listen in hopes of help and attention. However, when said lamenting creates more drama than is needed in a situation, this is when people need to cool their jets. They have been caught up in the drama...dun dun dunhhhhh
Case in point, my stepson B thrives on a drama filled environment. He has the ability to go from 0-60 in no time flat over silly things. B: Where are you going? Me: to the bathroom B: When are you coming back me : um... when I'm done...... and usually I open the bathroom door and he is standing outside of it.... did I mention he is 13 and should be able to let me travel to the bathroom alone? His response to why he is outside the door... because I was gone for too long....

or if the phone rings and during the conversation he over hears Oh my gosh or some other derivative.. he panics and races down the stairs.... What's wrong? Nothing requiring the effort you are putting forth that is for sure.

Anyways... the original point I was trying to make here is that we all need to be needed, publicly raised on a platform and cajoled because we have come to a point in life where we believe this to be a necessity.....

After all, I was just the center of your universe for the last 5 minutes.... now doesn't that make me special?

I feel a blog comming on....

So as most of you know already, I have the most random ( and usually sarcastic) thoughts come into my head, and one thought does no necessarily correlate with any other, but this is why you are inside my head. I can be driving down the road, or wake up from a deep ( medication induced) sleep and have some of the weirdest thoughts. This coming week I hope to finally get some of them down here so that the world may know how wacky I really am. Some topics I hope to address: God/Jesus and religion, Drama and Melodramatics, Ode to my Spotbot to name a few. Stay tuned because when you hear the theme music, you know I feel ablig comming on

Looks like we made it....

Holy Moly - enough with the song titles right? Seventeen weeks over and done with and my husband is back home safe and sound. I can still not tell you where he was, what he was doing etc.... mostly because I do not know myself and partly because I need to keep it to myself.
Anyways, as you can guess my husband is home !!!!! I am estatic to say the least. I am proud of myself for so many things, and right now it is mainly because I survived.
Tonight we went out in public to dinner.... B was an absolute angel... HUH? It just gors to show that during the time his father was gone, he did listen and absorb what I was telling him and was able to act like a pure gentleman.... whatever, it worked. even if I had to become a casualty in his war with puberty. In the grand scheme of things, I have added value to this boys life and someday he will truly appreciate everything I have done for him.

Sadistic Narcicist

So who knows if that is spelld right, but right no I don't give a crap. This kid is purely twisted. Unless you are yelling at him, he doesn't feel loved. I just spent twenty minutes vocalizing at this inconsiderate shit. He began earlier in the night by disrespecting me and then when I was trying to get him to own up to his grevious mistake, he started questioning his fathers love for him. I left the atmosphere. Everything that my husband has done in his life has been spurred on by his love and devotion to his son. Where the f*&% does this kid get off playing the " My daddy didn't love me enough " shit? I am so PI$$ed off right now I can barely contain myself. The one thing no one can ever call into question is his devotion and love of that boy.
So anyway B decides tonight would be a good night to remind me of my fatness... what the f&%^ ever. May the gods of baldness visit him late in his teen years and then develop his own Thyroid problem and just for good measure throw in impotence. Maybe then he'll think back to this time and realize that he is being punished for being so sassy.

I need to go, he is creeping down the stairs now....

This Page Intentionally Left Blank

I always laugh when I find this written in the middle of paperwork or books.

However today is a day where I FEEL like this statement.

Pretty Ironic huh?

The Sheriff of Shafersville

There is a new sheriff in town..... ME.
I am tired of the constant fights and whining and attention seeking behavior.
My law is absolute and I have the shiny badge to prove I mean business.
From this point forward, you act up... to your room you go. I am the adult and I needn't have to set my schedue around you... you wanted to live here, these are the rules. There is no turning back and this house is not a democracy.
What I says, goes.......( Did I just sound like Yosemite Sam?? GOOD!!)
You needs to give me space or Ima gonna talk like this in real life, ya hear me?
Not everything is about you.
Stop the bossy behavior.
stop checking up on my school work progress, I have a 4.0 GPA.... worry about YOUR school work.... Mr. I strive for C's
Give me space to breathe
Not everything needs to be shrouded in drama.... I pomise, drama free is much more relaxing.
There are NO MONSTERS living in our house.. maybe a ghost passes through every once in a while, but no mosters.. ( ie the garage door demon)
I do not report to you, but you do report to me
Are you seeing the pattern yet?
I am the adult..period.
I make the rule
I enforce the rules
and when broken I enforce punishment
The more you whine, the more I dig in and say NO

I am the Sheriff here in Shafersville and these are the laws as I proclaim them..
My pokey is the backyard.. so keep it up boy... its chilly out dere.....

Blog for your life !!!!!

Just another random thought to top off my day...

I blog, therefore others can read and enjoy my misery... But its funny isn't it?
This blog is something I look forward to doing because there are so many things that run through my mind on a daily basis, it would be a shame to waste them inside my own head.
Thoughts like this are best when exposed to the world.......

I think this outlet is one way to save my sanity, which daily ebbs and flows like the tide....

Tune in tomorrow for another installment on Sanity on the Loose.....

Don't make me shake you

Remember the british nanny suspected of shaking a baby to death?
I Do
And this eveing when I picked B up from the Boys and Girls club, I was met by a Mr. Sarcastic Sassypants. I wanted to pick hi up right there and shake him. We had to drive home and have the conversation, "I didn't take you there so you could revert to a bratty child" Is nothing sacred anymore? I tell you I got home and Mr Bossy had to be told to go sit on the bench at the front porch, while I comtemplated jumping back in my car and driving off.... ok not really, but I did need a few moments to do some deep breathing while telling myself 'I can fix this, its only a minor set back' ( Its ok, my counselor gave me permission to talk to myself under these circumstances)
Calm and collected I walked to the front door and the next sassy comment elicited a "You keep this up you're not going back." Neener Neener--- Juvenile Probably but it felt oh so good !!!! Here the lesson is, I have the car keys and the gas.... what are you gonna do about it?

Time to be FREE

After yesterday's episodes I was emphatic that things have got to give. I can not be the 24 hour provider for a teenager without having a little me time. I have now had it beaten into my head thaat having some time for myself is not selfish, but necessary to preserve my sanity. ( Have I mentioned my husband has been gone for several months and it is unknown when he will be returning?) The first thing today after I spent some time with B, I took him and enrolled him in the Boys and Girls club on base. They are open only a few hours a day and only a few days a week, but now I have somewhere to take him after school and Saturday evenings to give me a break. I took this oppourtunity to Go to my friend C's house and another new friend of mine K was there too. We ordered Chinese food and I was able to talk and vent and enjoy time with adult women without being interupted. It was AWESOME !!! I was free and it was great. I had almost forgotten how to have a conversation without losing track of what I was saying....

where was I? HAHA just kidding

Now I just have to 'remember' to go get him.......

Horrible, Terrible, Very Bad, No Good Day

Does anyone remember a childrens book by a similar title. Loved it.
And then I Lived it.
Today was one of THOSE days.
Everything has either upset me, angered me or frustrated me.
Some issues today even illicited those three responses all at the same time ( which needless to say is not an attractive look, although if you tried it now in the mirror it would make you laugh)
I feel like everywhere I turn, there is an invisisble wall with a yellow X, hit head here, symbol.
I grew up in the time when you could ride your bike, skateboard or whatever with no helmet, because we were built tough....
Although now that I am a bit older, hitting your head repetitively like that will lead to a concussion at the least if nothing else.
Did this post make sense to you? Good.. it was meant to be intentionally vague. Those of you that saw me today know some if not all the things that sent me a flame.
I am off to sleep in hopes that tonights 'sleep' will in fact be restful so that I don't start tomorrow in a similar fashion to today....( Insert serenity prayer here)

hokked on fonix werked fer mee

So here I am glancing back over previous posts and I see those irritating words that I have spelled wrong. I know that there is spell check on here, yet I can never get it to work... obviously.
I just wanted you to know that I know that there are some words here and there that are spelled incorrectly. I am not as dumb as my spelling sometimes pretends to be.

Cuz I am S-M-R-T

Car Repairs.... Nuff said

So last night I was back at the mechanic for the third time since Saturday. Needless to say more money out the door and the squeak is fixed again. I also have a noise in my steering column, but we aren't going there right now. Since May of 2007 I have gotten a new starter, 4 new tires, new front breaks and rotors, turned the drums on he back, a new alternator, a new idler pulley, a tensioner and an entire idler pulley assembly. The last thing I want to do is delve into the noisy steering wheel.... I'd rather think of it as hamster on a wheel helping me to navigate the corners.... A girl can dream right?

My Life as a Step parent Verse 1

So many of my friends and family already know the story, but here is the short and humorous version.... ( trust me there were times these were not so funny) Do not read if your eyes are tired.

My step son came to live with my husband and I August 31, 2007. He was havinng problems at home with his mom and depending on who you ask, there were different reasons that he was brought up here. He says because he wanted to live with his dad and his mom says because she could no longer deal with him... nice right, like saying here I screwed up, now you fix him.
We got him enrolled in the school prior to his arrival which was no small feat since the schools remain closed until almost the start of school and we were dealing with a records switch between two schools 2400 miles apart. He arrives with a couple of electronic gadgets his dad bought for him previously and the clothes on his back.
The next couple of days were a blur. We bought school clothes, haircut, immunizations brought up to date and a trip to the dentist which uncovered 4 cavities since who knows when he was last at the dentist ( When I asked B, he couldn't remember ever being....)
School starts and within a couple of weeks we are already having problems in the latchkey program. This is the before and after school program we enrolled him in so I could keep my job. We also experienced our first missing task slip where he was missing 87% of his homework in the first three weeks of school. We were not impressed, especially since the first punishment was handed down on our 2nd wedding anniversary while we were getting ready to go to dinner.
We then actually went a few weeks with no incidents, so you figure, hey things are gonna be okay..... And you are all sitting there thinking, get to the juicy stuff sister, this is all pretty tame...
And then you are totally blindsided......
My husband left for deployment. Now unlike most regular navy guys, he actually flew to meet the boat he was going on. I had my typical goodbye meltdown and went to work. By the time Hubby made it to port XX, I was having a near nervous breakdown. Why, you might ask?
Hubby was gone and three days later, I get a call from a deputy sheriff. They had been to school to have a conversation with B regarding a story that he told about me, where in said story I had pulled a gun on him and pointed it at his chest..... I could barely breathe and my mind was racing..., I kept thinking I am gooing to jail because B told a story.... I was told that they had come to the conclusion that I had not acted in said story because he likes to tell 'tall tales', but it had to be reported to CPS..... Now you are thinking Holy crap... I would've beaten him... trust me I wanted to , but that would have sent another call to CPS...haha
Fabulous, 30 years of walking the line and never even so much as a detention ane and now I have an official police file. CPS cleared me as well, giving me a letter or reprimand that I need to behave so they won't have to revisit this matter... What?! Me behave... I'm goin' on a crime spree now baby !!!
Anyways, while this is happening, hubby is 6000 miles away and pretty disturbed that this has happened in his absence, not that I can blame him. Anyways, the command became involved and I have to say, they were totally awesome. They offered hubby to come home,and as nice as that would have been, it would have started this all over again the next time he left, why cause international jet lag twice in once month over something that was over and done with. They also checked on me periodically after this to make sure I was okay and to provide numbers of resources to help me if/when other problems arised as they undoubtedly would.
Hubby goes under the water and there is no communication...... B wants to know why he can't call his dad.....What do they teach these kids in school these days
And we have another incident. This time he was in more trouble at latchkey. He was suspended from the program for 2 days and I had to take time off of work for this. While I was reprimanding him for the suspension, I called his mom, so I could have a break. Next thing I know we are 'schizophrenic' and being paranoid etc. I called My Father in law and asked him to talk to him. Still no calming down in sight. I did not sleep that night as I was afraid of what B was really up to. The next day a trip to the mental health facility for a psych evaluation. Turns out, he isn't really schizophrenic...... Go Figure
Hubby and I knew this problem with latchkey was coming eventually, but we thought we would make it more through deployment. Anyhow, next step for B was out the door from the program, so I gave my notice at work. I figured I needed to give notice while I could and not before I had to quit on the spot. My last day ironically was B's Birthday.
So for three weeks I sat around while B went to school. he can't be alone because of his over active imaginination and lack of responsibility.
I eventually was asked back to work on a part time basis,which gave me time for adult interaction and to feel like a functioning part of society. Anyways B goes home for two weeks at Christmas (Thank the Lord) and my mom comes out for one week. Groovy time with mom and some alone time to boot! Did I also Mention that during this time my hubby was in port YY and was able to call. The voice of reason and sanity.
God, I love that man. Even when I am tired and flat, he builds me back up and calls me his Warrior Queen. How about that ? He is submerged in close quarters with a bunch of guys who are funky, nasty and down on women and behave like children and my hubby is making everything right in my world. Have I mentioned how awesome my husband is? And he's smokin hot to boot.

B comes back and he is well behaved and I think wow, he needed that visit home.... wait for it...
he wakes up the next day like a computer that rebooted overnight.. Whoooooop here we go again.
Attitude flying, drama the whole nine. We have over time, dialed it back some, but none of this would be possible without the help of my counselor and B's counselor at the CAPS program through the Navy.
Everyday is still a struggle, but I am learning how to pick my battles and I have to say that I am winning. I am currently waiting for my hubby to come home. I got an urge for some snuggleing and he owes me after everything I have been through, haha. ( I am gonna get a foot massage too !) Did I mention I am currently in a 10 week parenting program? hey, I need all the skills I can get.... At the end there is even a certificate... the only thing I know of that makes you an actual certified parent......

by the way, I am now on the way to the gun range to use that gun.... for actual target practice...

Check back for more installents on How teenagers play with your lives......

That good ole groundhog

Now I know from the title it sounds like I am gonna tear into this poor fellow, but I assure you I am not.

This creature is pulled from his home early in the morning of February 2nd each year. He is paraded around as if he is a spectacle and while everyone watches under the cover of spotlights at half past dark in Pennsylvania, we wait for him to either see or not see his shadow.... Isn't this stacking the deck so that he inevitably will see his shadow and pronounce us another six weeks of cold and misery?
I mean really people, have you ever stood outside in the dark and turned floodlights on yourself and not seen your own shadow? I could do this for you instead of this poor animal, but I guarantee you, I would not be as nice about being woken up at the crack of dark.
Why should we unleash our wrath on this creture when the indecisive weather people deserve it much more?
Spring .... last time I knew Mother Nature and Father Time had the market cornered on when things happened ... it is called a natural progression.. which means it happens when it happens people.....
It has been this way forever and while I can appreciate the need to make groundhog puppets out of brown sandwich sacks and rubber cement ( do you remember those days) and keep with tradition, I also wish people would stop the eternal groaning afterward... six more weeks..... We'll be lucky if it is only six more weeks......

The Writers Strike

Get ready this one is loaded -

Writers - Get over yourselves
Execs - Give it up a little

GET BACK TO WORK !!!!!!!!!!!

That being said, I know that every side has a story and in this situation I would like to put out there the fact that this is a triangle. The people striking, the actors and us the regular Joe's.
I am tired of hearing the actors profess their love for the writers. They are talented in their own right, and if you don't wake up and realize you won't have a job after all is said and done because your FANS will all turn their backs on you, you will remember the third point in this saga.
We are tired of hearing people whine and complain like two year olds. I work hard, I am trying to finish a degree, I am a stepmother to a teernage boy and a military spouse. When the day winds down, I want to watch some mind numbing television to experience something other than my reality.... What am I rewarded with? Reruns....... ARGHHHHH

I hope these people realize that they have alienated us, the people who pay for cable to watch these programs and understand why we don't give a rats behind about their pleas for money... I want some real tv to watch PLEASE.........

Stop acting like juveniles and get back to work. If you need someone to write, direct and star in a comedy for television, I can help you. My life is guaranteed to knock the socks off of anybody that watches and I praactive my 'looks' in the mirror daily.

I am about to steal all of your jobs and keep all the money for myself !!

Don't you wish you were me?

SuperBowl Ads

I don't care who ya are, If your team isn't playing, the ads are the best part. Did you miss the talking stain? How about the Godfather Audi commerical? Check them all out after the game at www.myspace.com/superbowlads

Britney Spears

Okay, so I know that we are all tired of hearing about this girl, but I need to say this....

Leave her alone.. really people. She is seriously messed up and needs help. As someone who has herself struggled with mental issues, it is hard enough to deal with it within your own circle. This girl had a career, is famous and is a hot mess. She doesn't need further scrutinizing by people that have no idea what she is going through. She needs our prayers that they are able to help her get well adn that she will once again be able to function on her own. She is under a microscope because of her status as a famous person and really all the media and pappa whatever's are just adding fuel to the fire. They should be ashamed, and we as a society should be ashamed as well that this is what our entertainment value has become.

Really people, get off her crack and give her space. Mental illness should not be stigmatized the way it is, nor should we continue to fuel it. It is what it is and people with mental disorders need compassion and help, not flash photography to enduce an episode.

Teenagers...... why?

I don't remember being needy and on the list of those that my mother wanted to throttle ( she had my dad, her ex for that) I was responsible and smart and was able to stick to task without problem, granted I was a teenager awhile ago.

Fast forward to present day..... my stepson is extremely needy and is constantly needing guidance in daily life (i.e. did you do your chores, homework, etc ?) while I am inconstant need of patience and valium...haha If I don't remind him, then somehow in his adolecently chakllenged mind, its my fault he didn't accomplish something or that he can't get a handle on himself in public ( why exactly is it my fault?)

Right now I hate the phrase 'Hey, Vanessa, ________'( fill in the blank) which is said in excess of 60 times a day. I think I am going to change my name to Rumplestilskin. He is too young to know that story since today bed time stories are made of pokemon and Hannah Montana. ( Remember when it was the Muppet Show and Sha Na Na?? Wow did I just date myself..... Oohh Solid Gold too......)

Wow off topic just then, but you get my point. Back then television had an entertainment factor, not a 'suck the will to live out of you if your child subjects you to seeing.' I remember taking B to the movies a couple of years ago to see Spongebob ( insert shiver here) at the end I felt like I had lost 20 IQ points.... No wonder why our children struggle with everthing... This is the garbage they have been exposed to.

This is why my TV has a lock on it..... I am attempting to reclaim my stepson's brain and maybe grow him into a self sufficient man who stops saying 'Hey, Vanessa'

Oh the car repairs we endure

Today I went to have my brakes done.. Not pretty but it needed doing since I was gettng the famous pulsation....So I go to a place that has a coupon and I find out that the coupon doesn't cover caliper whatever.. fine
It turns out I need new front rotors, the ones I have were already turned down to minmum specs.... right
Then they tell me about the eternal squeal under my hood... we can fix it.. make me a deal.....Make me another...
I accept second deal knowing that this will be my entire next paycheck, but I brought the previously paid off credit card, so I think 'm good to go( Are your eyes tired yet... I've got more)after being there for 3 1/4 hours I hear.. we have good news and bad news... oh no you don't
The idler pulley ( said squeaker) was only part of the problem......of course it was
You have a shot bearing in your alternator and need a new one.....but we will give you a screaming deal.... that is only the half of what I am about to do( are you laughing yet?)
Order said parts and one more hour on Monday morning I shall be squeak free for another entire paycheck....there are tears rolling down my face... can you tell whether or not they are $900 worth of laughter or crying tears ????
Neither can I

About me

Who am I and why should you care ?

I am a 30 year old woman. I am married to the most fabulous man. He serves out wonderful country as a United States Submariner in the Navy. don't ask me what he does because unless I know you, its none of your business and me telling you could be punishable by death.. Haha
( It's up to you to determine if I am truly joking or not)
I am also the stepmother to a 13 year old teenage boy. Don't you wish you were me. His coming to live with us has been an adventure to say the least. I hade found strength that I did not know I had or was capable of. I have learned that all that practice of digging my heels in would come into play someday.

I am originally from Connecticut. Lord knowsI miss all the awesome food from New England. We currently live in the great Pacific Northwest, although honestly, I haven't understood what is great here. Between Novemeber and April it rains... A-L-L T-H-E T-I-M-E. It is grey and overcast and just depressing. Besides Starbucks on every corner out here, there are a slew of tanning establishments for thoseof us that need the sunlight, even if it is artificial. Now if you knew how fair skinned (ghostly) I am, you would know how silly the idea of me tanning is.

Anyways, as for why you should care who I am....

Simply put, I am awesome. I am funny, smart and more importantly I am honest and straight to the point. I have little to no patience for stupid people, those interested in drama, those that need excessive coddling and generally just ridiculous individuals.

Feel free to read, comment or lurk... I promise I am not saying anything here that I wouldn't say to anyone in person, but really who wants to listen to someone eternally on a soapbox.... its much more fun to read.

Welcome

Welcome to my random daily thoughts.
Some will be humorous, other controversial... but all come from... Inside my head.
Sit back, fasten your seatbelt and enjoy the wonderful wild ride known as me!