Breaking My Silence

On September 30, 2008 my husband of three years walked out the door on me. I am dessimated by this, but this is not all about me in the poor me waay you might think. Its about being accountable for my actions and how I hurt the mot important people in my life. If I am going to talk the talk I need to walk the walk about accountability.

There was a list of how I had wronged him, B and our marriage. I admit that I am far from perfect but I really tried to be what everyone wanted me to be. I struggle every day with thoughts of my husband and son. I think about them when I see something funny and I want to tell one of them about it. I want to call my husband and say I miss you and I Love you, See you tonight. I want to tell me how much fun I'm not in his playful way. I miss them and I want them to come home to me... but I know that is selfish too. Just one more black mark against me.

I am obnoxious, hard headed, controlling, dictatorial, mean and short tempered. I cry often when I get stressed or upset. I am to much for others to be around. I lack the ability to be touchy feely when others need that type of reassurance from me. I could tell you about the perception I have of my childhood, of the things I know that happened and try to justify things, but in the end I am scarred and damaged and apparently it rubs off on those that I love the most and turns them against me.

My husband, S is the greatest man I have ever known. He is Loving and warm, passionate and kind, generous, handsome, strong, forgiving and my best friend. Or at least he was. Not only have I LOST MY HUSBAND, but my best friend as well.

As I sit here typing this for the world to see my wounds and for those to throw salt in, I want you all to reflect on the significant people in your life. Never take them for granted, communicate with them so much that there isn't anything left unsaid, know that there isn't anything too big that through communication, hard work and undying love that can't be fixed and that True Love Never Dies.
I am fightng for my marriage in the only ways I know how, and hoping I don't anger S in the process. I am trying get him to see that I acknowledge my faults,I am asking for his help and forgiveness and I desperately want him back.

B and I have our share of troubles, more than some families, less than others. But this is something that makes us unique and entertaining to the outside world. They could put us ina cage together and give tours to outsiders for money.

What I am saying to all of you is that yes, I have my faults. Some are bigger than others. Somewhere along the way, my husband lost the faith that he could communicate with me openly because I was afraid and angry. Things has transpired that made me feel that way and instead of voicing them in a non confrontational manner, every time I let myself be wounded, I lashed out.

I made it impossible for him to trust me and I ruined the greatest thing I ever had in my life - my love, my husbands respect for me, his trust in me, our future together.

I sit here, a thirty one year old woman, blubbering uncontrollably because I have ruined my marriage. I have tried to contact my husband numerous times to apologize, to try to work things out but I have damaged things so badly that he cannot possibly think of one reason why he should give me another try.

Let's face it people, I f-ed up royally. I had the greatest guy in the world and I blew it. I have begged and pleaded and bargained with GOD and with Scott and to no avail.

Simply put, I want my husband and my son back. I am tired of aching every day and every night for them. I cry all the time and as a matter of fact,this blog has taken me over an hour to write because I can't stop blubbering tonight. And so goes the pattern. I cry, a piece inside me dies and I feel empty and hollow inside without my Shafer men. They make me laugh and cry and angry but with them around i always felt alive inside. They cheered me on through hard times with homework because they believed in me, and I failed them.

I hope this blog finds them well and happy. Even though I want them to come back to me, I know I can't control that even if I want it with all of my being and soul and heart. I hope they can see this as another apology that is true and pure. I hope S & B an find it in their hearts and souls to forgive me and come back home to give me another chance.

My friends, please pray for our family during this difficult time.

I have learned through counseling that forgiveness is essential for helping to move on. If I have ever wronged any of you I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me and for those of you who have said or done hurtful things to me, I have learned to truly forgive you to set myself free from the weight of hurt I have carried for so long.

I am blessed to have each one of you in my live (even if you don't comment on my blog, LOL)