Bayley the Wonder Beagle....

There is a saying that dogs are a man's best friend.... Mine certainly is..... I am a huMAN of the female variety and I have a wonderful, lovely little beagle named Bayley. For most of you a dog is just a dog. For me, my pooch is my little girl. Six years ago I rescued Bayley and have given her an amazing life full of pampering and love. Unfortunatley in May Bayley was diagnosed with heart failure. Because of its advanced nature I was told that it would only be months before she took a turn for the worse. And here we are the end of September and I am being given the estimate of a couple weeks before I will have to do the humane thing and end her life.
Since I last typed on this post time has mached on adn we are standing at October 11th. Bayley has lived longer than the vet has given her on a time scale, but I can see the deterioration in her body. She is taking on more edema, her body is so swollen she can barely walk, sleeps all the time and only eats meat specially prepared for her. Today it broke my heart to see her standing over a pee pee pad and unable to squat and just had her bodily fluids running down her backside. I gave her a bath knowing it is most likely the last one she will have and knowing time is running short on what is considered humane. I am still hoping that God will take her in her sleep and take this enormous decision out of my hands. I can't believe I will soon have to look her in the eyes knowing that when she closes them it will be for the last time and that I will have signed the authorization for her execution... humane or not it's a tough decision to be left with.
IN the end, I do need to know I made Bayley's life incredible while I had her and I was truly blessed to be this sweet little animals momma.

I Love Bayley and I hope she knows I did everything I could for her and that this was never an easy decision for me to have to make, but I can't watch much more of this.

Avoid Direct Eyesight and Move Slowly......

Since I am in Washington, you might think that this title is in repsonse to the many bears, cougars and yes even aligators that have recently made the news. But those of you who know me better know that I am talking about a different species altogether.... Men.



Men are like wild animals. I am not talking about their manners, although in the last few months I have found several that are lacking in that area as well. Didn't their mamma's raise them right? I am sure they did, but once they get out on their own, they become hunters of prey... and women are it.



In this case, I am talking about the men who are inherently good. They have been taken advantage of by those women we know and see who care less about the treatment of their men, instead only caring about what they can get from them. These men become headshy and rightfully so. Their experiences have taught them that all women are slippery and conniving monsters who are out to suck their souls dry. The problem is that there us women who have run into the male counterparts of these succubi and we too are timid thinking about getting into a relationship.



These men who have been mishandled see a woman, any woman, and at this point they are skittish. Wise as I am, I have learned that you cannot be blunt and direct should you scare them more. A women who is secure with herself can pose a scary front to these men.



Here is where you need to be careful, compassionate and skillful. Avoid direct eye contact and approach them slowly and at an angle. This helps to give the contact that is needed to build a secure rapport with the man. He can learn to trust you and you can work up to the directness once they have warmed up to you.

This same theory can be applied to men of a forceful nature. It is like coming face to face with a bear ready to devour you. Back away slowly, awert your gaze and don't make any loud sounds. Easier said then done when you know the way I am... full force, straight ahead and no fear.... not always the best way to gracefully attend to a situation, but we know that I have always marched to the beat of a different drummer... it's what makes me - me.

Good luck and God Speed

Trapped by Feelings

Recently there has been a recurring theme to my life.... one of loss and rejection. I lost the marriage that I thought would last forever. I lost the step son that I believed that I was in his life to make his life better, I lost the job that I believed in and thought I was making a difference. I have been rejected by men, by jobs and by people whom I considered friends. I have had to deal with the fact that I am never going to have relationships with some family members that I grew thinking that time would heal.
I am looking for work, looking for a purpose to my life, looking for something to believe in. Each rejection, whether it be family, friends, members of the opposite sex or potential jobs that don't want me, I feel myself losing a piece of my spirit. I know that a lot of what I am going through is that this is a stormy season for a lot of people and isn't something to be taken personally, but how do you not take things personally when it is you they are saying no to?
Every rejection gives me that feeling that it is ME that is not worthy, not wanted and not special enough. How do I overcome these feelings of inadequacy and restore myself to the person I am suppossed to be? I feel trapped and I am hating the fact that I feel weak and that I have let this self doubt creep in and muddy the waters of my life.

News in Review 08-25-09

Here are some musing over the past weeks news events :

Michael Jackson: Murdered - His doctor gave him pill after pill until he gave him a "diluted" dose of propofol. Now while I am not a Doctor, I would not have kept giving him narcotics end over end... what did this dink think would happen with all this shit mixing in his system? Pull his license and put him where all dumbasses go - To Jail

Lockerbie Terrorist Released on Compassionate Grounds - WTF people... He had no compassion for the people he blew up, why should we care that he is terminal? Let him rot in jail until the time that Karma sends him straight to hell. No, he was released and sent home to Libya where he is considered a national hero.... Way to go Scotland.. you might as well post a sign that says we heat terrorists.

President Obama on Vacation- so this means the email I sent him last week won't be answered until he goes back to work. However there are people who are pissed that he is taking a week off after eight months of work. Granted most people have to wait a year before their job gives them time off, but considering the immense mountain of shit he walked into office to deal with cut the man some slack. Give him a week with his family before they go back to work and school because you know everything he deals with on a daily basis requires patience and skill to deal with. I would love to see one of these critics run this country for a week withou shedding a few tears.

Crypt near Marilyn Monroe auctioned off on ebay - Really ... this is the most fascinating newsworthy story of the day? This is just weird.

Murdered Model - Manhunt ensues for ex husband of model. Then he takes his own life. Case solved and no trial.

Swine Flu precautions being out in place as schools go back in session - People... its the FLU.... cover your mouth, wash your hands etc its called good hygiene.....

I realized while typing this that this has been one of my most boring blogs ever... probably won't do this again :)

Roll Call

I am just curious how many people actually read my blog. If you are religious with keeping tabs on me, or just an occasional lurker,now is the time to just send up a smoke signal so I know who my reading audience is....

Greatly Appreciated and I look forward to giving you more reading for your stalkerish pleasure :)

Here a Blog, There a Blog

So the last few days have been interesting to say the least.

I finally sucked up my pride, or what little I actually have left these days, and filed with DSHS for financial assistance. I had to go to Bremerton (EWWW) and have an in person interview. Their paperwork states to bring all paperwork relating to expenditures. I go, armed with oodles of paper trail that proves who I am and that I am in fact a living breathing person. I walk into this building to see the masses of people who work the system and I am pretty sure I am the only one who bathed recently,not to mention today in general. I start to well up with tears because I know I do not belong in this place, but if help is here, here is where I must come.
I meet with my caseworker and find out that my $808.oo a month take home of unemployment disqualifies me from cash assistance or medical (aka Medicaid) She then says that if I were to get pregnant I could qualify for more assistance. REALLY? They actually advocate for that? I stated to here that I didn't see that as a viable option to bring a child into this world. Call me old fashioned, but I believe that a child should be conceived out of love between two people, by people who want a child and who can afford or have some sort of game plan for that child's future. Don't get me wrong, I am not discounting ever having my own children, but damn at least I am fully aware that this is not the right time or the right way to go about it.
Anyways, by this point, all pride being gone I am in full on cry mode. In the past when crying was present my ex would say "Are you fixin to start?" to which my reply would be "To beat you, YES". In reality I am sure that is a good point when it comes to being overly emotional since I am known for being embarrassed at crying when I think I should be able to control it and even to the point of being pissed at myself. On this day there would be no restraint at crying in front of a stranger and I told her the system sucked. Her reply? I told you how to make the system work for you otherwise write the president (which upon getting home I did in fact send an email to President Obama .... I expect a response this week LOL)
So anyways no pride or self respect I left the office with a handy dandy EBT card filled with my $86 monthly allotment for food. I just CAN'T WAIT to start brandishing it at the local market to show people just how poor I currently am.

Let's see what's next... Oh Yeah

Was referred by the local Worksource office (WA place that helps you find a job) for a position at a local United Way Organization. While I won't divulge the name of the particular organization, let's just say that my Bachelors was a perfect fit. Worksource was given the task of prescreening a certain number of applicants (21) and then the interviewing was to begin. I even checked in with my caseworker at Worksource to find out what was going on. So I waited and waited and waited and yup.. yesterday got a rejection letter without even getting an interview.... WHAT? How the hell is it even helpful to have Worksource prescreen for yo if you aren't going to meet with all of the potential candidates before making a decision?

At this point I am nearing the 300+ mark on the number of applications and resumes that are out there circulating. I am feeling like a failure. I even applied at Walmart and couldn't get hired, even with my mom working for the company in a store 3000 miles away.... WTF man.

They tell you even at the Worksource office that getting a job is all about who you know and in most cases it is. Case in point, I originally applied for a position at the DRC when my friend Andrea worked there.. she told me about the job. I didn't get it but Kim did. Later on I met Kim and when I was losing a job to to a family situation, it just so happens the DRC was looking for another position which I got. Here is to hoping that knowing Amy will get me the fantabulous job she told me about because the money is bitchin'. If I don't get this job it just further cements the fact that I need to move away from this area, but to where still remains to be seen. I know people back east want me to come that way, but I am not sure that is where I am supposed to go. I guess it just means that I have some more conversating to do with God before I know my true purpose. I do know that I have one true hearts desire, but I am trying to hold myself back so that I don't hurt myself in the process.

Well now that is nearly 3 am, I am going to try to finally get some shut eye..... right after I spell check this and get a snack since my belly is roaring. (Disclaimer: And yes there are some words intentionally spelled different and even a made up word.. totally on purpose)

Night Peeps.....

Smitten Kitten

Have you ever been totally smitten with something or someone?

Yesterday I was in Bellevue , WA for the first time since moving here nearly four years ago. After being lost for a bit, I made it to my appointment which turned out to be a huge disappointment ( That is for a different Post) While re-orienting myself I ended up in the beaautiful, downtown area that was sleek and posh looking. TOtally normal businesses glammed up in this ritzy area. I decided to go to none otehr than the Cheesecake Factory for a late lunch/early dinner. Everyone I came into contact with was extremely pleasant.. well except one (who also will be in that other post to come mentioned above).
I almost could fit in there. I say almost because every other car that drove by me was an elite high end machine with one of THOSE emblems on it ... you know what I am talking about...LOL.

As I was returning to the parking garage where my car was parked ( can you say parking that is Gratis? Imagine that for Providence Place my New England Peeps) I saw a Hoopdy drive by and then I knew it was ok... I started recognizing the working class vehicles that were also in Bellevue and I thought, I could live here, work here and Play here......

It also seems to be a very Christian Commnunity. Lots of Faith Based Churches and stores, nice people, nice to look at.

Anyways, these days it is not the only thing I am a Smitten Kitten over, but the other thing ... a person I would have to kill you if I told you about it. I just hope he knows and realizes he is a lucky man....

Why Don't I Ever Learn?

I think the title is pretty self explanatory....

I set myself up to be a punk and I pretend things will go the way they unfold in my mind.

That is something they used to institunionalize people.. luckily I realize the difference between my dreams and reality.... that is apparently one for the plus column.

This is not directed at any one particular part of my life, it just seems everyday I do something that in hindsight was a dumb ass thing to do... and I KNOW I am way smarter than I act sometimes :)

Milwaukee Mayor "Ain't No Cream Puff"

This is a story of true heroism and an example of how a person in a position of power leads by example.

The Mayor of Milwaukee was assaulted while leaving the Wisconsin State fair. The Mayor and his family heard a woman who was in distress. It turned out she was being accosted by her daughters ex boyfriend who was intoxicated. Upon seeing the Mayor and his family he charged at them with a metal baton in his hand. The Mayor struggled with the dangerous man until the police sirens could be heard and then the suspect ran away, later to be caught.

The Mayor suffered lacerations to his head and face and a broken hand which may never fully recover from the trauma.

While it is never suggested that anyone enter into an altercation with another person,especially one under the influence of drugs or alcohol, the Mayor made the right judgement call in calling 911 before approaching the situation and once the suspect had turned his attention to the Mayor, the Mayor was protecting the woman, her grandchild and his own family.

The point I am trying to make here, and am doing a poor job at it, but when you see a fellow person in trouble don't do nothing, do something. Call 911, try to get the person in danger to safety.

I had an opportunity to do such a thing several years ago back in Connecticut. I was driving through Greenville (and any of my CT peeps know how seedy that area is) and a guy was punching a women in her face at the gas station. Men, BIG men were standing there watching this atrocity go on. I made a u turn and went back honking my horn and I drove right up to the guy. I got out and could hear the sirens coming and I was screaming at him to let her go. He was so confused fromm all the noise he was easliy apprehended when the cops arrived.

I will be the first to admit when I was younger I definately did not think before acting and had the cops not been hot on their way I probably would have jumped the guy. After all I was taking karate. However too many people these days do nothing... nothing at all when another person is in trouble. We can make a difference in just one life and it will pay itself forward.

Mahatma Ghandi once said "Be the change you want to see in the world" I often hope I am doing enough to leave my mark. In this case, Mayor Tom Barrett made that difference to one woman and her grandchild.

His town made up t-shirts to show their pride in their mayor. The slogan simply reads "Our mayor ain't no cream puff"

Here's a heartfelt thank you to this mayor for making a differnce and setting the tone for people to help one another.

Good JOB!

South African teen wins 800 amid gender-test flap>>>>> WTF?

OK so the news gets more bizarre every single day.

While I am creative, even I can't make this shit up.

So this South African runner bursts onto the scene and obliterates world standings. She is towering in height, deep voice and built like an ox. As with anything in life there are skeptics. How does an unknown teenager come from no where to clinch titles in her sport ?

Well, she must be a man.

Huh?

There are girls who have height, strength and without secretly being a man.

This girl (yup I said GIRL) has to undergo testing with a shrink, an ob-gyn, genetic testing, endocrinologist etc. So after the ob-gyn doctor there were still questions?

If I were to join the skeptics I would go to still think girl, I would just say performance enhancing drugs.... I wouldn't got he man route....

My only other question would revolve around the Adam's apple..... is it plainly visible?

I hope that this girl gets cleared soon. Although I would also get a kick out of watching her compete against the men and kick their asses ..... it would serve the sport officials right for creating a mockery out of the sport and taking away from the talent of this girl.

(I reserve the right to change my mind about the above should the tests show she is really a he. After all I am a woman (and yes I am sure) and its my prerogative to change my mind)

BYOB

Bring Your Own.... BAGS???

Yes folks we know when we go shopping at the grocery store we will buy products that will need to be carted home for consumption.

The burden of providing that method of carting has always been on the stores. We have been at their mercy when we want paper and they only have plastic or vice versa.

Then the environmentalists cried about the impact of bags on the environment. So those of us that can be guilted were into reusable shopping bags.

When we bring them into the store, some give you a credit of .03 a bag for reusing bags.

That in itself is kinda cool but then on the news you hear that they are proposing a .20 cent per bag tax over in Seattle for each bag you take from them... so if I bring in 7 bags but need to take one plastic bag, I have negated the whole bring in bag credit.

Punish people because they need to carry their groceries home. The reusable bags rage from .99 to 1.99 ( some places more) they get you coming and going.

This is almost as bad at the taxes levied on women for their feminine products. They tax you on something you have very little control over..... But that's a rant for another time. Stupid people

Play it Again .... Brett?

Okay so I know the world has a love afair with Brett Farve.. but really?

Play, Retire, Play, Retire, Play.....

The news coverage alone is nauseating.

Do we not realize blatant narcissistic behavior when we see it?

He retires to hear the "please don't, please stay" and to drive up contract prices. He likes to play, likes to be wanted and loves the money.

I find it hard to be moved by a man who is suffering from the passage of time (the grey is a giveaway) and the fact that he has admitted his body is not getting any younger.

When the team you played for your entire career no longer wants you, that should be the sign it's time to go.

Brett - do us and yourself a favor and retire, FOR REAL, before you end up injured and no good to your family.

Trust

Trust is a huge word in today's environment. I learned at an early age that trust was something that was often broken in relationships. I watched my parents marriage fall apart and one of my brothers date three girls at the same time. As I got older I became jaded and cynical that relationships were something that ever worked out for anyone. I accepted the fact that trust was going to be broken and lived with that as a rule rather than an exception.

That should never have been my position. I also just assumed that trust was something to be earned. While this is something that each person is different about, as a 30 something woman, I have been trying to put the trust out there and then wait for someone to show they don't deserve my trust. The only problem with this is that I have anxiety about this entire situation. I am afraid that I am going to trust and get hurt and I will have no one to blame but myself.

Here's hoping that my trust is never misplaced again and that I can learn to relax about trusting people.....

Perception : Yours is not the same as mine

When you are blogging or in essence telling your truth there comes a time when perception is everything. The perception that I have on a situation is going to be different from the one you have of the same events. Neither one is right or wrong necessarily, just different.

Why do I feel the need to point this out? Not so long ago it was brought to my attention that something I wrote from my perception on asituation offended someone in my life. That was never my intention. However,I shouldn't feel stiffled from blogging about my life events for fear that my perception of life events will hurt others because when I look back, the emotions I have surrounding these events is very real to me.

I hope this clears the air. I am not trying to hurt anyone, only set myself free from memories of the past that were either unfortunate or hurtful.

Waiting for my life to begin

Have you ever had that feeling that you are waiting for your life to begin?

I Do.... every. single. day.

OK so for the most part, when I think back, my life has been..... eventful

With everything that has happened recently I think my life ahs become kind of boring... compared to the life of a circus performer LOL.

Really - I sit here with so many thoughts racing through my head. I am wondering what the future will bring to me. I have no job, no place that I feel I can call my own and no sense of where my life is going in general.

Everyday is an exercise in patience. I hope and pray everyday to hear the whisper of God letting me know which path to take. I only hope I can hear him when the word comes down and I will have the courage, strength and perserverence to do what I need to when the time comes.

Times like this it is hard to be alone ( in the relative sense) After all I am the only one who has to live with me day in and day out.... :) Good thing I like me

Life according to a pencil

I went to a class the other day at the worksource office. In front of every computer was a brand new number two pencil, freshly sharpened and awaiting our use.

Yes I know that just opening like that makes me sound weird but stay with me here.

In the movie "You've Got Mail" there is an email exchange between Shopgirl and NY152 (I think that was his screenname). It was fall and the start of school was upon them. He mentioned sending her a bouquet of freshly sharpened pencils.... Mmmm the smell of pencil shavings.

OK so here you have a stick of wood, with an inner core of graphite. You start by sharpening a tip on the pencil and it is full of potnetial and possibilities. Its eraser fresh and ready.

Everyday you are using the tip of that pencil to communicate thoughts, dreams, equations of things that need to be handled. A mistake? your handy dandy eraser to the rescue - almost as if the mistake never happened. Tip run out of sharpness, shave it down and re sharpen it for more tasks... keep everything on a roll. The pencil is full of hope for the future.

However, in life just like people .. eventually you end up with baldness on top and shorter that you were in your hay day. You are short, stubby, eraserless and out of time.....

Use your pencil wisely :)

Tired of....

I am tired of being tired.

I am tired of not being able to sleep.

I am tired of being sick.

I am tired of not knowing where I stand with people.

I am tired of not having a job.

I am tired of not knowing where my life is headed.

I am tired of being depressed.

I am tired of being a slave to my emotions.

I am tired of the thoughts that race through my head.

I am tired ... just tired.

The Sport of Dating

Ding Ding

Sounds like the opening bell at a boxing match right? Wrong.

Men and Women are two completely different species. Everything from our body design to our communication styles. This often leads to sparring and irritation. Where is the referee when you need one?

Women (generally speaking) are taught from an early age that men tease you if they like you, that if they ignore you, they REALLY like you and that if they say they will call you, they will call you on their time table or not at all.

WHAT?

How does any of that make any sense. It is much easier to say what you mean, mean what you say and don't be afraid of a little feeling - we have feelings over everything.

Case in Point - I LOVE black raspberry ice cream and cannoli's.... down right infatuated
I HATE fish - the texture, the smell ICK
I HATE artificial sweeteners because they make me sick
I LOVE laughing
I LOVE dancing when no one watches and singing loud
I HATE being hurt

etc, etc etc

We have feelings about everything we do good, bad or indifferent.

Except when it comes to matters of the heart, soul and opposite sex, we confuse the signals. Up is down, right is left and yes is no.

In the last few months, I have had the privilege to meet a wonderful man. The confusing part is where we stand now. Men don't like to talk about feelings... real or implied. I know some of his history and he of mine. The details are just that, details and not for me to share here. What I can say is he is a man who had a women in his life. A women he cared for, trusted and shared his life with. She betrayed him, his trust and his feelings. It happens a lot in life to a lot of different people. We place ourselves completely in anothers care and they mishandle us.

I am currently on the path trying to prove myself to this man. To show I am worthy of being opened up to, being trusted, being worthy.

Is this really what I should be doing? Shouldn't I know I am worthy and let him either figure it out or lose me?

All I need to know is where we stand. Am I someone to get serious with or just someone to pass idle time with? How do I get him to talk to me about it instead of shrugging off as not wanting to talk about feelings? Why can't men and women just talk to each other without wondering if there are ulterior motives?

What do I do? I pose this question knowing that there is not just one answer. A friend earlier wrote " The beautiful thing is there are seven billion of us, like stars, each one unique, interesting and strange in their own way" (Thanks Machelle) This means that because of our unique natures and experiences none of us are going to be able to share the same history and outcomes of others fully. We simply need to learn how to communicate better, learn that the next person that comes along in our life won't be the same as the one that came before. We all have our own faults and impact every person we cross paths with.

Here is to hoping I learn the language of men before I make a complete ass of myself along the way.

(Here is to K. I hope you realize I am everything I put forth and more)

Prisoner of Memories

Memories.

We make them everyday, every moment. Good ones and bad ones. Ones that make us feel like soaring like and eagle and those that make us feel like soaring off a bridge.

I am consumed by my memories.

I suffer from Insomnia. According to emedicneonline.com insomnia itself is not a condition, rather a telling tale, a symptom of a much larger condition. In my particular case, I am a prisoner of my memories, good and bad, and a slave to my fear of what the future holds.

I lie awake at night thinking of my childhood, adolescence and young adulthood. Those mile markers that make us or break us and some of us have more bad memories rather than pleasant ones.

The unfortunate thing about memories and us as human with emotions is that we tend to imprint places with those memories. One painful trip to the dentist and a fear is formed. A drive through town can become a waterfall, a tsunami of emotions and memories of a life past and an uncertain future.

Whiel we are always creating new memories, we never get rid of the old. Our brain is like internal memory on a computer. Each of us has a different capacity for what we can hold. How I wish that I could dump the painful memories onto a data stick and file them away and live only with the happy memories.

In 2004, there was a movie called Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. In this movie a couple whose relationship had soured each select to undergo a procedure in which they have the memories associated with the other person removed from their mind. In theory this would be an excellent answer for us to live "happy" lives. However, it is an impractical in practice. We are a sum of our parts and experiences and no matter how painful these are in our daily lives, we must find a way to reconcile our memories with our emotions and reclaim our sanity so that we can keep on keepin on.

Until I can balance those two things, I will find ways to cope, deal and expel the toxic thoughts that plague me.

Finding Myself

Have you ever put together a puzzle only to find out there is a piece or two missing? How about laying out pieces and find out there are more than one puzzles pieces laying before you?

Growing up we are all about learning our identity. Who we are, what we want and how we are going to accomplish these goals. Sometimes along the way we lose or footing. We forget what we were trying to accomplish, we find what our hidden desires are and in the bottom of the ninth we are reestablishing the game plan.

I have many memories of my childhood. They are often the memories of when I did something wrong or how I fell short in goals of mine that were set forth by others... or at least that's how it felt to me.

Reality is I was born late in life to my parents (at least my 1977 standards). My Brothers were 8 and 10 when I was born and my parents were 32 and 36. My life held the usual childhood events - bringing home chickenpox to share with my brothers, learning to ride a bike and swim with floaties while we "camped" during the summer and the unfortunate teasing that kids go through. Some more, some less but I was definitely on the more side.

When I was twelve my parents divorced. There are a lot of details of which for you, my blog reader, are not important. What you need to know was that it was painful. I never for a moment thought it was my fault like most children do. I knew what had happened and I knew that there was not a chance my family would be "the same" but we eventually evolved into a new kind of normal for us. I had visitation with my dad, lived with my mom, went to school, counseling and rode horses. My days at school were filled with teasing for a variety of reasons - I was different.

Different was the catch all phrase... basically I was not dressed in the coolest clothes, I had an enormous overbite that won me the title Bucky Beaver and I had gone through puberty when I was 10 which lead to the development of breasts and most of the other girls in class were still flat as boards. To them I was a freak of nature that had infiltrated their daily lives.

I had the framework for my puzzle, but not really anything inside of it. Like most people as we age we endure certain "rites of passage" and earn those pieces to add to our puzzle... to complete our story.

When I was a teenager, I graduated from high school, unremarkably in the top third of my class and I worked a couple of jobs. I did a semester at the local community college and did average. I longed for more. I dated a few boys which inevitably ended when they found someone they liked better. My mother once said to me that in her day, if you weren't engaged or married by the time you got out of high school you were considered an old maid. She continued to tell me that was no longer the standard and I should make sure I experienced life before I settled down.



Life continued and I dated a boy(man) with whom I felt great affection. We moved in together and lived this way for several years. The dark secret here was that he had a great affection for alcohol. This love affair for him was more potent than anything I had ever experienced with a man. Alcohol was his life. He would disappear for days on end, there were suspicions that he was cheating on me and I was a casualty in the midst. He ended up with a DUI and with me shuttling him between his jobs and still he drank. There were arguments, black outs and a lot of babysitting on my part. Inevitably, a friend of a friend witnessed his infidelity with their eyes and contacted me. The next day he moved out. Our relationship had actually been over for quite some time. We were more like roommates than romantic partners. I was always put off by the stench of stale alcohol on his breath and the fact that he didn't find me attractive anymore. He rathered his porn to me. When he moved out it was a relief. I felt that I had done everything I could have done for him, I had tried and that I no longer had to wait and wonder if he was gonna call from jail again or next time if I would get a call from the morgue. I added another piece to my puzzle - this one was called savior complex.



Shortly after I met Scott. we were introduced by mutual friends and right away I felt comfortable with him. Long phone conversations and long days spent together. The boys

had flown up for time with him and they were driving back to TX. We talked everyday while he was gone and the day he got back, I went to see him. We picked back up and soon were living together. That was when I got my first sign that things were wrong. I was helping to clean out his truck and I found a note to his dad. It was about how Shiela had come over and he had gotten a piece of ass. His reasoning to me was that he didn't think I would still be around when he got back from TX. I accepted the reasoning that we hadn't defined ourselves as exclusive. Over the next few months he moved out on me and came back three times. Insecurities of his rose to the surface and I fought for what I thought was a relationship worth saving, although in reality it caused me to be emotionally insecure... always waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Things eventually settled down and things were good...really good. We got engaged and married. I had had to sign a pre nup. IT was like divorce before the marriage. I was hurt, felt like my loyalty and love were being questioned. In the end I signed it because I was betting on love to win. How Stupid was I?

We moved to Washington due to military orders. I was off on an adventure. I was moving away from home, family and friends all to be with the man I married. Things were difficult mostly because he was gone a lot. We moved into a new townhouse and then the bomb dropped. Blake was coming to live with us. In two weeks I was going to go from the fun step mom who sent gifts and gave wisdom via telephone to a full time stop parent complete with upcoming four month deployment. I was scared shitless and I knew that this would make or break our family.

Blake came to live with us and like most 12 year olds he was a hand full. Scott deployed and things became like the seventh circle of hell. I fought for my sanity, my family and control everyday. When Scott got home he was overjoyed that Blake was not in jail and I had not filed for divorce. Seven months later he did.

My life was once again turned helter skelter and I hurt deep in my soul. I thought death would be easier, but everyday I woke up and went to work trying to find the value in helping others even though In felt decimated by what was happening in my own life.

By this time I had completed two degrees and was working on my Master's.

About the time the divorce was complete, I lost my job- My identity it was the bottom for me.

These were all pieces in the puzzle of my life.

I am a woman who has an Associates in Business and a Bachelors in Criminal Justice. I have been a wife, a mother, a friend, a sister, a daughter and an aunt. I value each of these puzzle pieces in my life because they have helped to contribute to the phenomenal person I have become. I used to feel that I grew up in the shadow of my brothers. They are handsome and successful and have lives that are well put together. I was always envious of them. Now I know I can be all they are and more if I just put forth the effort. Today I am more of an equal.

While I am currently broke because of our "tough economic times" and still searching for a job, I have the promise and hope of the future. Then puzzle pieces are starting to come together.

I have some medical issues - the thyroid, my metabolism, my depression, my insomnia - these are all puzzle pieces. They themselves don't define me, but they are there. Some of these puzzle pieces can be changed like a dual sided puzzle. Black , white,off, on they are there but not necessarily concrete.

What I know to be true-

I know that my life is really just starting at 32. I know that while I debate some big issues in my life there is still time. I bet on love and lost but I won't let that deter me from continuing to look for it. I will not settle for less than I am worth. Being lonely is different from being alone.

I have also come to some conclusions about my life. I know that I want a family of my own. I know that families come in different ways. Maybe it will be a long term relationship, maybe marriage. Maybe natural children, maybe step children or adopted children but nonetheless I want a family. I want to finish my degree and have a worthwhile career where I help people and make a difference And most of all I want to be Happy.

So here is to the road I have taken to collect my puzzle pieces.... I can't wait to see the finished project.

Love... Is it really for suckers?

I spend a lot of time wondering if I was ever truly loved in my marriage. I question the entirety of the relationship seeing as how it was so easily disposed of.

At this point, these questions are neither here nor there.

I recently met someone who I think is special. We spoke via the Internet, Text Messages and Phone for quite a while before we actually met in person. He is a wonderful man, and without going into much detail on account of his being a person who preserves his privacy, I will tell you that he, like many of us, have been burned by prior relationships. He once said Love is for Suckers. Tonight I wonder if that is true.

This is me wondering if I put to much stock in the idea of Love. I wonder if I am able to be loved, worthy of it, if there is someone out there who could love me. I am far from perfect, I have my own set of issues ranging from my insecurity that I will be left (because its a recurring theme in my life), If I am attractive enough, if someone will see past the fact that I am a larger, curvier girl. I wonder if I am asking and expecting too much from another person. I know that I should be able to be enough for myself but I want more. I want to love and be loved, I want to be romanced and woo'ed. I want to feel that there is someone else in this world that I matter to.

I want someone to make plans to be with me, value time with me, find things about me that are irresistible (like my laugh). I want to know that I am a single rose in the valley of ferns. I want to know that there is the possibility of something, I want time to explore. Unfortunately all of this comes with the possibility of finding love, finding that you aren't the one and the euphoria of feeling alive and the pain of rejection.

I think that I am a sucker... so bring it on.

Catch up time

Recently many things have happened that have not made it into the blog despite repeated requests from friends who witnessed said events.

First I would like to thank my friend D~ She made time to see me during her world tour and even tried to find me a boyfriend during lunch. She proudly announced to the server about my divorce and asked him if he knew of any single men he could throw my way. I was offered a 17 year old boy and while the thought of going to jail is one event I haven't yet been on, I declined the offer and made sure she left him a large tip for tormenting him.

The dating has slowed way down - not for lack of offers.... I have a NIgerian who would like me to bring himn to this country, a gaggle of Canadians, a flock of men in their 50's and 60's, a paael of men who make inappropriate remarks from the beginning on what the chances are of a sexual encounter on the first date (and declinations on the sex part don't get a second date)

On the seemingly normal guys I talk to, I have a super power..... I talk to them and then they disappear POOF. However, that being said I recently met a very nice guy. What I mean is he is genuine, adorable, funny, smart and the best part .... he seems to like me for me. Now before you faint from the sheer knowledge that a man like this actually exists, please know that I am not scaring this one off. Obviously its new so we will only have to wait to see where this goes, but in the mean time I am enjoying the gentle woo'ing that is coming my direction.

After the last nine months, I have had to take a step back and evaluate my life. The man I married and thought would be with me forever turned out to be a mirage, the child I was raising turned out to under mine a marriage and decimate a relationship of adults, I lost my job with an organization I truly believed in the mission - all in the name of budget cuts and I had to realize, even on my bad days, I am stronger now than I was 9 months ago.

Saturday night when I was at church and Susan said to me - wow you are looking good these days. I realized, I have lost some weight, cut the hair, added the highlights and even when I am down, I can boop around and make others laugh. I made it through the seventh circle of hell.... and I did it all with a little help from my friends.

Another night of aimless ramblings and I will blame it on the sudafed... but you have seena snapshot into what I have been thinking in the last several months. In the time it would have taken to incubate a small human, I have been reborn into a new me... so take a look at me and take your best shot, I only come back for more :)

What's the Deal?

What's the Deal? Everyday I wake up and I am a slave to my emotions. Some days I am top of the world and I sail through the day without any problems. Other days, like today, I feel so low, I feel worthless and I feel imprisoned by these thoughts and emotions. I realize that my friends tell me that I am not at a point in my life where I should be focusing on a relationship of any kind, and I should be focusing on me. I can see their point, but at the same time I have spent so much of my adult life with men who couldn't or wouldn't put me first, it is something that I deeply desire. I want a man who thinks of me as his everything, a man who wants me to be happy, a man that can be happy with me and a man who can see a future for us. I know he is out there somewhere and that everything In have been through in my life has prepared me for what is to come, but why does everything in life have to be a culmination of pain. I know we grow from our experiences and we become who we are because of those experiences and sometimes we are even viewed as damaged because of them, but is it really supposed to be so damn hard?

I want to find someone who realizes how special I am and is willing to work to be with me because they can see my charisma...but then again what do I know?

Here I Go Again.....

When will I ever learn? I really can't go into anymore detail than that at this particular moment because I don't feel like crying. I am just beating myself up because I never learn. I get comfortable with what I have going on and when I allow myself to do/feel/experience something other than the typical routine I end up paying dearly for it. I just can't accept the fact that my life is meant to be monotonous and alone yet why is it when I allow myself to dream of more, those dreams are shattered nearly as quickly as they begin to unfold. This is why I am unable to truely trust other people. I have been burned one to many times as far as that goes and I am tired of being let down by others. I know that 'they' always say that the only person in life that you can count on is yourself, but is that the way it should be? Shouldn't there be other people that you can rely on and count on to be there when you want them there AND when you need them to be there? Am I really that oblivious that I can't grasp this concept? Or is it that I am only oblivious to dealing with men, in general? Maybe I need to learn to live only in the moment and that longevity doesn't exist anymore. Who knows, I guess I will find out the more I dance through life and learn from the everyday.

Spark

There is this mythical creature called Spark. I have seen it, I have felt it and now I long to find it once more.

What is Spark? Is it instantaneous, does it develop through a series of events, does it hide until you prove yourself worthy of it?

Can Spark happen when you are still damaged, does it wait until it feels you are healed, or until you have proven yourself worthy of its return?

Is Spark physical, emotional or intellectual... a combination?

Is Spark the same from relationship to relationship, does it morph, does it wax and wane. How do we recognize it is it is always changing.

Is it when we laugh, when we experience another strong emotion, it is electrifying?

Spark - I am looking for you, waiting for you and hoping I will recognize you when you surface.

Through the fire

As most of you know, the past few months have brought hellfire and brimstone into my life. Today after another full day of moving, and an emotionally turbulent day, I sat down to reflect on what is going on. I realized that I have walked through the valley of fire. It not only nipped at my feet, but at times tried to consume my mind, heart and soul. The past few days I have been packing up my life to move into my new place to start the newest chapter in my life. Emotions that I thought had been long been put to bed reared their ugly head and turned the new zen me into a monster of raw emotions. It felt like the scab that had healed into place had been ripped off, fresh and new. All I can say is that it sucked. Here I am packing "my" belongings and coming across momentos of our wedding, the honeymoon that was never planned, things from our daily life together, all the happy times before the darkness came. I saw friends of mine who are couples holding hands and it made me think back to when HE wanted to hold my hand, when he wanted to be with me, when I was important to him, when he loved me and meant forever. The emotions and memories came flooding back to me.



I sat here and thought of two country songs that explain the feelings that are going on within me. The first is Ring of Fire by Johnny Cash.

"Love is a burning thing and it makes a firery ring bound by wild desireI fell in to a ring of fire...I fell in to a burning ring of fireI went down,down,downand the flames went higher.And it burns,burns,burns the ring of firethe ring of fire...."

So we know that I fell, and fell hard and I got burned... the unfortunate part about this is even though I am jaded, it is inevitable that I will allow myself to fall in love again when I am done bleeding over this one.

The second is Standing Outside the Fire by Garth Brooks.

"We call them cool Those hearts that have no scars to show The ones that never do let go And risk it the tables being turned
We call them fools Who have to dance within the flame Who chance the sorrow and the shame That always come with getting burned
But you got to be tough when consumed by desire 'Cause it's not enough just to stand outside the fire
We call them strong Those who can face this world alone Who seem to get by on their own Those who will never take the fall
We call them weak Who are unable to resist The slightest chance love might exist And for that forsake it all
They're so hell bent on giving, walking a wire Convinced it's not living if you stand outside the fire
Standing outside the fire Standing outside the fire Life is not tried it is merely survived If you're standing outside the fire There's this love that is burning Deep in my soul Constantly yearning to get out of control Wanting to fly higher and higher I can't abide standing outside the fire"

Here he sings about the different types of people in life and how they face love and the consequences of their decisions around love. We know that I am the one that jumps in because I take the chance, I bet on love to win out. According to this song I am weak and a fool but I think I am stronger than most because I keep thinking that I will find that person that I am meant to be with. I take the chance which is more than most people can say, this means that the percentages are not in my favor.. the more you try, the more you might get hurt.. but TRUE LOVE IS WORTH THE RISK.

Now I just need to keep reminding myself of that. Remind myself that I don't need to settle and that in the end, love will win out.

Come on Cupid.... give me your best shot.

If I can do it in heels, You can do anything....

So today I picked up the keys for my new apartment. It "piggy backs" if you will on the apartment complex where my dear friend K lives. In the spirit of my new found will to exercise and make healthier choices, we left her apartment and trapse through the woods in search of my new home. After running the length of a fence, clomping down the driveway area of my new complex and across the grassy knoll we arrive. I show her around, we discuss furniture placment etc and leave to get back to her apartment before sun down. We take a different more promising route that leads to the area where Christmas trees have been given their last rites. We continue to try to find a path to her place when I find that special tree branch that will forever be my friend.... OK so basically in heels you shouldn't try to hike and traverse over underbrush and fallen trees.... but we did it and I caught my goods on a tree branch. It is unfortunate that that is the most frisky anything has been with me in several months and even I got angry at it for thinking I was easy.... boy do I need a life.....

Anyways if I, the least grafeful person on the earth, can accomplish something in heels than anyone can do anything... I PROMISE

I Dream ....

I Dream of a time when men and women can have an honest conversation, say what they mean and mean what they say.

I Dream of a time when I am comfortable enough in my own skin to not care what a man thinks of me and that I can draw a line in the sand for respect and dignity instead of feeling like I need to pursue a man that obviously loves the game more than me.

I Dream of a time when a man will show me honesty, respect and love and I will be able to accept it without looking for ulterior motives.

I Dream of a time when I will live my life without the thought that my life is somehow missing something

I Dream of a time when I wake in the morning and I am happy to just be... be me, be alive, be greatful for what I have instead of being chased by the tentacles of depression and always wanting for a more fulfilling life.

I Dream of a time when I am not a prisoner of my past memories and they don't chase me into the night in forms of nightmares. I know I need to let go so that I can move on.

I Dream of a time when I don't feel that I am looking for approval from everyone in my life and I can live my life without being under a microscope.

I Dream of a time where my life is as good as the best dream you can think of.

The Dictionary of Men

Here I am again, trying to understand what a man means when he says something to a women. I grew up with two older brothers who definitely did what they said they were going to. This means that I have a great expectation of the men I date to adhere to the same type of standards.
I know that there is no general dictionary for men because each one is different. For weeks now I have found comfort in the line "he's just not that into you" but I am finding out that a guy can be into you and still have trouble showing you because he has been burned in the past. I know that a guy can tell you he likes you and because you aren't ready to move at the speed of light in the direction of a relationship he looks elsewhere. For me this means that there are men out there that are just as confused as us women and are unable to properly express themselves or behave in a manner in which we question their motives.
This is why relationships don't last. People have come to believe that everything in society is disposable. We move in and out of relationships at the first sign that something is wrong, we are unable to put forth the proper effort to fight for what we want, we just allow the relationship to slip through our fingers in search of the greener side of things.
WHat is wrong with putting forth a little fight for what you believe in?
I am willing to fight for what I want, what I beleive and what I know will make me happy.

How many of you can say the same things?

The art of avoidance.

There is something to be said for avoiding conflict or anything that you feel may lead to a conflict. Some examples are:
~If your parents are calling and you have nothing you want to share, don't pick up the phone,
~If you don't want to talk to a member of the opposite sex for whatever reason, pretend you have fallen off the edge of the planet (because we TOTALLY believe that) and then we will automatically know to disregard any interactions we have ever had with you,
~If you don't want to pay your bills, stick your head in the sand or run away,
~If you have co workers or friends that drive you crazy, pretend they don't exist or are toally insane
anyways you get the point.... there is not enough mystery in life without playing these fabulous games with the people we interact with.

This is partially because we are socially retarded due to the rise of technology - after all you call, send a text or email... we can pretend we didn't get it and have no idea you were trying to contact us and the other is because we as a society have lost the ability to be forthright and accept repsonsilbility to engage or disengage from another human being.

As for me, I will continue to address things as head on as I can( I mean can men make that hard)

Go on with your bad self !!!

When is enough enough?

Recently I have been through the wringer of life. My husband left me and filed for divorce, my job downsized me and generally, every man I meet wants something from me, whether they realize it or not. I have spoken to men and developed "relationships" based on email exchange and phone conversation and then they mysteriously disappear. I go through the process of getting to know them for them and all they want is a picture of me so that they can ridicule the way I look or just ignore me and disappear without a trace. Some even want just a physical encounter and quite frankly, even though I am a woman with needs, I know when to put my foot down. I have spent my life living in the shadows of my over achieving brothers and not amounting to much. I am never enough for anyone or I am too much for what they want. I know that now is the time for me to find out what makes me happy and live my life for me and no one else. The unfortunate part of this is currently I feel like a total failure and I can't see that there is a future to go to. It takes everything I am to get through each day. I decided that if I were to re work my personal ad it would read something like this.....


I am a strong woman... this means strong physically, mentally, emotionally and in will. I am a real woman with curves. If you are looking for a Barbie Doll, may I suggest the nearest aisle at the toy store or a boy since they are lithe, non curvy, no chested substitutes for a girl. If you are thinking of running a game, let me inform you first and foremost that I am smart and in most cases smarter than you. You will not win or "get away" with anything. If you are looking for a girl to play games with, get yourself a blowup doll or a lobotomized patient from the nearest mental institution. Don't write quirky pithy lines in hopes of catching my eye because when it comes down to it, I want a man who is willing to walk the walk instead of talking the talk. I want a real man. This means a man who can tell the truth even when it might hurt, a man who knows that I am a sum of my experiences and not damaged goods in spite of them, a man who knows how to be a real lover and friend, a man that provides the spark that is needed. Don't put on your profile that you are seeking a long term relationship and then make excuses why that can't be or happen.... It could be you just aren't that into me, or you believe that that line will garner you more feline satisfaction and is only a guise.

I have had more inappropriate things said to me, messaged to me and general bad manners on the behalf of the male species. If being gay was a choice, I would have run screaming for the other team by now, but in all my wise, witty and charming characteristics I still believe that somewhere out there is the one perfect man who is also wondering where I am. I am running low on faith and patience and I am sure he must be as well. This is also assuming that he exists and hasn't given up.

If you, the man reading this, have gotten this far here are my criteria : You must be white or at least white-ish. This means I do not want a black man, an asian man or a middle eastern man. This is not racist, these are MY preferences. I also want a man who is close in age. This means if you are old enough to be my father.... grow up and EWWW. I am not interested in a man who is too young as in barely legal. While I am sure you are a "stallion" in your own mind, I have grown weary of teaching men (aka boys) the ins and outs of pleasing a lady. I want a man who already has the basics down and doens;t need a continuous ego boost. I am coming into my sexual prime. This means that while there is always give and take, you had better be able to go the distance and not need to be coached along the way more often than not.

Now I can only assume that at this point I also need to state a few more obvious points. Do not send me a form email about how beautiful I am because I can smell it coming from a mile away.. this also means don't send me the same form email over the course of a few days.. MY memory is better than yours so see above ( I am smarter than you, etc) this means I know you are full of shit and I will not respond. Don't tell me that and hour drive is to far away for a meaningful relationship... I came 3000 miles across the country because of love and a meaningful relationship. All that does is show that you are not even remotley close to serious about finding a long term anything except for a provider of sex for your needs.

Men: speak what you mean and follow through if you are serious. There are too many women out there that act like idiots, spaz's, morons, stalkers etc because you are the masters at redirection and unclear signals. All this time you blame the women for not knowing better when in fact you are all a bunch of morons that are unable to be true to yourselves, or anyone else for that matter.

I am here to tell you, I fell for it. Recently I fell for a guy. I had no picture of this guy and the joke with my friends was that he could look like a mailbox for all I cared. I drove 2 hours to where he lived because I thought he was serious when he said I can't see you tonight, but tomorrow I can. AS you can probably already tell I did not see him and still didn't know what he looked like. We made a date to meet and he gave me a reason that he had to push it off and then he disappeared. A week later he resurfaced and I was dealing with all this crap over seeing Scott again. I asked for him to call me to tell me things would be okay. He promised he would, only after I sent him a photo. Photo after photo and he told me they were blurry and then he disappeared again. Basically, he finally got one that wasn't blurry and I was too fat for him to accept. By the way, I did get a photo and he was adorable..... too bad he didn't feel the same way.... I think we could have been good together.......

What is my point here? That even I, the smart chick with glasses, can be duped by a man, more than once even. What happens is the wall around my heart becomes more fortified with each deception and therefore harder for me to trust or accept anyone at face value. The good thing about being jaded is you know that you will never settle, unfortunatley the price will be that I may never find happiness.

When is enough, enough?
I'll let you know when I have figured it out... until then I am sure that I will continue to find out with each disappointing encounter I have.

And we're back

Okay, so I have been off of the blogosphere for many, many weeks at this point. Where do I begin? I have had requests for my views on the life of a newly single woman, my thoughts on movies, books and other odds and ends.
Let's jump in:

The Bachelor Jason Mesnick -

What a total D@#$chbag. Here we are believing hook line and sinker that he is a truly mazing and wonderful guy who is blah blah balh....I don't care what the hell he has been through, what happened last night was disgusting and sickening. I am not saying that the man needs to marry the girl he selects on a national television show because we thin his decision is binding, but if you decide you actually do not want to be with, marry the girl you selected - DON"T DUMP HER ON NATIONAL TV.... I mean good God you dumb ass. That was cruel and harsh. That made you look like a total heartless asshole. I never watch this type of show and now I know why. I am so starved for romance I watched this and hoped that a fairy tale would happen. This made me just sick... and then Molly being stupid enough to say.. thanks for letting me your second choice, sure I'll be with you now that you used the other girl. All of these people need to be taken out back and shot for being so stupid......

He's just not that into you -

I saw this movie and laughed my damn ass off. It didn't bash men necessarily, it showed many different men ( Thank God for Ben Afflecks character --- good men do exist) What I learned - if a man wants to be with you, he will make it happen... period end of story. IF is isn't that into you.. he doesn't give a rats ass so don't chase him, he doesn't want you, you really don't want him because he is an ass and you will only look psycho for chasing. The good men are out there. They unfortunately have been mistreated and are the shy guys who hold back instead of being the aggresive dirty asses who are only after one thing.. and yes I mean that one thing.

The dating world -

I have become members to several online websites. Let me tell you the amount of creeps that are out there. They begin a conversation with "got any pictures" and " wann f*&K" Really? is that what I have to look forward to because if so I am going to become a nun....
Ok I am not saying all the guys I have met are bad. I have met some confused (regarding their sexual orientation) some that "think" they are a pimp ( who hits on the waitress in front of you and then asks for sex) and those that ask you out for drinks you end up paying for.....

The good men are shy, sweet and committed to showing you that you are a lady. I know I am worth that kind of treatment and so now I will expect better treatment than I have received.

My soon to be ex -

One week and we have our property division settlement meeting. While I will always love the man I married, I will mourn him also because he ceased to exist the moment my stepson moved in with us. We soon will be legal to go our separate ways and I have already begun the steps to be me and free. I wish him no ill will and I know one day he will regret what has happened, but it will be too late and he will forever be plagued by it, while I will be moving on because that is what I need to do for myself. I am not the same woman I was, but some man is going to benefit because I am a strong, intelligent, witty, funny, sassy, amazing woman..... if I were a man I would want to be with me.

Well for now I think that is a bit to mull over.... I will post again later.....