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Sunday, June 28, 2009

Love... Is it really for suckers?

I spend a lot of time wondering if I was ever truly loved in my marriage. I question the entirety of the relationship seeing as how it was so easily disposed of.

At this point, these questions are neither here nor there.

I recently met someone who I think is special. We spoke via the Internet, Text Messages and Phone for quite a while before we actually met in person. He is a wonderful man, and without going into much detail on account of his being a person who preserves his privacy, I will tell you that he, like many of us, have been burned by prior relationships. He once said Love is for Suckers. Tonight I wonder if that is true.

This is me wondering if I put to much stock in the idea of Love. I wonder if I am able to be loved, worthy of it, if there is someone out there who could love me. I am far from perfect, I have my own set of issues ranging from my insecurity that I will be left (because its a recurring theme in my life), If I am attractive enough, if someone will see past the fact that I am a larger, curvier girl. I wonder if I am asking and expecting too much from another person. I know that I should be able to be enough for myself but I want more. I want to love and be loved, I want to be romanced and woo'ed. I want to feel that there is someone else in this world that I matter to.

I want someone to make plans to be with me, value time with me, find things about me that are irresistible (like my laugh). I want to know that I am a single rose in the valley of ferns. I want to know that there is the possibility of something, I want time to explore. Unfortunately all of this comes with the possibility of finding love, finding that you aren't the one and the euphoria of feeling alive and the pain of rejection.

I think that I am a sucker... so bring it on.

Monday, June 1, 2009

Catch up time

Recently many things have happened that have not made it into the blog despite repeated requests from friends who witnessed said events.

First I would like to thank my friend D~ She made time to see me during her world tour and even tried to find me a boyfriend during lunch. She proudly announced to the server about my divorce and asked him if he knew of any single men he could throw my way. I was offered a 17 year old boy and while the thought of going to jail is one event I haven't yet been on, I declined the offer and made sure she left him a large tip for tormenting him.

The dating has slowed way down - not for lack of offers.... I have a NIgerian who would like me to bring himn to this country, a gaggle of Canadians, a flock of men in their 50's and 60's, a paael of men who make inappropriate remarks from the beginning on what the chances are of a sexual encounter on the first date (and declinations on the sex part don't get a second date)

On the seemingly normal guys I talk to, I have a super power..... I talk to them and then they disappear POOF. However, that being said I recently met a very nice guy. What I mean is he is genuine, adorable, funny, smart and the best part .... he seems to like me for me. Now before you faint from the sheer knowledge that a man like this actually exists, please know that I am not scaring this one off. Obviously its new so we will only have to wait to see where this goes, but in the mean time I am enjoying the gentle woo'ing that is coming my direction.

After the last nine months, I have had to take a step back and evaluate my life. The man I married and thought would be with me forever turned out to be a mirage, the child I was raising turned out to under mine a marriage and decimate a relationship of adults, I lost my job with an organization I truly believed in the mission - all in the name of budget cuts and I had to realize, even on my bad days, I am stronger now than I was 9 months ago.

Saturday night when I was at church and Susan said to me - wow you are looking good these days. I realized, I have lost some weight, cut the hair, added the highlights and even when I am down, I can boop around and make others laugh. I made it through the seventh circle of hell.... and I did it all with a little help from my friends.

Another night of aimless ramblings and I will blame it on the sudafed... but you have seena snapshot into what I have been thinking in the last several months. In the time it would have taken to incubate a small human, I have been reborn into a new me... so take a look at me and take your best shot, I only come back for more :)