This season = Nausea

I know that this season is meant to be one of good cheer and goodwill. In my crrent situation I want to change Merry Christmas for Merry F-mas and the music makes me ill.

I know the economy sucks and its the orse recession since 1947 but damn it people, most of you still have your family to be thankful for and be with.

There is nothing that money can currently buy me that I would want. All I want is my family back. That means I want my husband and step son to come home. I see advertisements for the Seattle argosy Christmas cruise and I think it is something I would like to do... only if I can share it with them. I want to put up a Christmas tree ... but only with them. Do you see the pattern yet?

I sit here a prisoner of the season. I can't handle the television commercials that are based on the holiday, I can't go into the stores because the holiday music grips me in panic and forces e to run in a cold sweat from their buildings. Next week is the work Christmas party. I am trying to think of a viable excuse not to go. We are a small non profit and I like everyone I work with . most of the time hah! However, they will all be there with their spouses and I honestly don't think I can handle that. I don't want to celebrate anything and I certainly don't need a parade of happy couples in front of me.

If I thought I couldn't stop crying before, but moving into this holiday season has made the pain unbearable. I feel the weight of my emotions crushing me and the pain from missing my Shafer men is piercing my hear and soul.

I am tired of not being worthy enough to keep the people in my life that are important to me. My dad deserted my familyat this time of year and now my husband and stepson have abandoned me too. There is so much in my life that is unfair and yet it keeps coming without apology. I wish there was an end in sight.