Finding Myself

Have you ever put together a puzzle only to find out there is a piece or two missing? How about laying out pieces and find out there are more than one puzzles pieces laying before you?

Growing up we are all about learning our identity. Who we are, what we want and how we are going to accomplish these goals. Sometimes along the way we lose or footing. We forget what we were trying to accomplish, we find what our hidden desires are and in the bottom of the ninth we are reestablishing the game plan.

I have many memories of my childhood. They are often the memories of when I did something wrong or how I fell short in goals of mine that were set forth by others... or at least that's how it felt to me.

Reality is I was born late in life to my parents (at least my 1977 standards). My Brothers were 8 and 10 when I was born and my parents were 32 and 36. My life held the usual childhood events - bringing home chickenpox to share with my brothers, learning to ride a bike and swim with floaties while we "camped" during the summer and the unfortunate teasing that kids go through. Some more, some less but I was definitely on the more side.

When I was twelve my parents divorced. There are a lot of details of which for you, my blog reader, are not important. What you need to know was that it was painful. I never for a moment thought it was my fault like most children do. I knew what had happened and I knew that there was not a chance my family would be "the same" but we eventually evolved into a new kind of normal for us. I had visitation with my dad, lived with my mom, went to school, counseling and rode horses. My days at school were filled with teasing for a variety of reasons - I was different.

Different was the catch all phrase... basically I was not dressed in the coolest clothes, I had an enormous overbite that won me the title Bucky Beaver and I had gone through puberty when I was 10 which lead to the development of breasts and most of the other girls in class were still flat as boards. To them I was a freak of nature that had infiltrated their daily lives.

I had the framework for my puzzle, but not really anything inside of it. Like most people as we age we endure certain "rites of passage" and earn those pieces to add to our puzzle... to complete our story.

When I was a teenager, I graduated from high school, unremarkably in the top third of my class and I worked a couple of jobs. I did a semester at the local community college and did average. I longed for more. I dated a few boys which inevitably ended when they found someone they liked better. My mother once said to me that in her day, if you weren't engaged or married by the time you got out of high school you were considered an old maid. She continued to tell me that was no longer the standard and I should make sure I experienced life before I settled down.



Life continued and I dated a boy(man) with whom I felt great affection. We moved in together and lived this way for several years. The dark secret here was that he had a great affection for alcohol. This love affair for him was more potent than anything I had ever experienced with a man. Alcohol was his life. He would disappear for days on end, there were suspicions that he was cheating on me and I was a casualty in the midst. He ended up with a DUI and with me shuttling him between his jobs and still he drank. There were arguments, black outs and a lot of babysitting on my part. Inevitably, a friend of a friend witnessed his infidelity with their eyes and contacted me. The next day he moved out. Our relationship had actually been over for quite some time. We were more like roommates than romantic partners. I was always put off by the stench of stale alcohol on his breath and the fact that he didn't find me attractive anymore. He rathered his porn to me. When he moved out it was a relief. I felt that I had done everything I could have done for him, I had tried and that I no longer had to wait and wonder if he was gonna call from jail again or next time if I would get a call from the morgue. I added another piece to my puzzle - this one was called savior complex.



Shortly after I met Scott. we were introduced by mutual friends and right away I felt comfortable with him. Long phone conversations and long days spent together. The boys

had flown up for time with him and they were driving back to TX. We talked everyday while he was gone and the day he got back, I went to see him. We picked back up and soon were living together. That was when I got my first sign that things were wrong. I was helping to clean out his truck and I found a note to his dad. It was about how Shiela had come over and he had gotten a piece of ass. His reasoning to me was that he didn't think I would still be around when he got back from TX. I accepted the reasoning that we hadn't defined ourselves as exclusive. Over the next few months he moved out on me and came back three times. Insecurities of his rose to the surface and I fought for what I thought was a relationship worth saving, although in reality it caused me to be emotionally insecure... always waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Things eventually settled down and things were good...really good. We got engaged and married. I had had to sign a pre nup. IT was like divorce before the marriage. I was hurt, felt like my loyalty and love were being questioned. In the end I signed it because I was betting on love to win. How Stupid was I?

We moved to Washington due to military orders. I was off on an adventure. I was moving away from home, family and friends all to be with the man I married. Things were difficult mostly because he was gone a lot. We moved into a new townhouse and then the bomb dropped. Blake was coming to live with us. In two weeks I was going to go from the fun step mom who sent gifts and gave wisdom via telephone to a full time stop parent complete with upcoming four month deployment. I was scared shitless and I knew that this would make or break our family.

Blake came to live with us and like most 12 year olds he was a hand full. Scott deployed and things became like the seventh circle of hell. I fought for my sanity, my family and control everyday. When Scott got home he was overjoyed that Blake was not in jail and I had not filed for divorce. Seven months later he did.

My life was once again turned helter skelter and I hurt deep in my soul. I thought death would be easier, but everyday I woke up and went to work trying to find the value in helping others even though In felt decimated by what was happening in my own life.

By this time I had completed two degrees and was working on my Master's.

About the time the divorce was complete, I lost my job- My identity it was the bottom for me.

These were all pieces in the puzzle of my life.

I am a woman who has an Associates in Business and a Bachelors in Criminal Justice. I have been a wife, a mother, a friend, a sister, a daughter and an aunt. I value each of these puzzle pieces in my life because they have helped to contribute to the phenomenal person I have become. I used to feel that I grew up in the shadow of my brothers. They are handsome and successful and have lives that are well put together. I was always envious of them. Now I know I can be all they are and more if I just put forth the effort. Today I am more of an equal.

While I am currently broke because of our "tough economic times" and still searching for a job, I have the promise and hope of the future. Then puzzle pieces are starting to come together.

I have some medical issues - the thyroid, my metabolism, my depression, my insomnia - these are all puzzle pieces. They themselves don't define me, but they are there. Some of these puzzle pieces can be changed like a dual sided puzzle. Black , white,off, on they are there but not necessarily concrete.

What I know to be true-

I know that my life is really just starting at 32. I know that while I debate some big issues in my life there is still time. I bet on love and lost but I won't let that deter me from continuing to look for it. I will not settle for less than I am worth. Being lonely is different from being alone.

I have also come to some conclusions about my life. I know that I want a family of my own. I know that families come in different ways. Maybe it will be a long term relationship, maybe marriage. Maybe natural children, maybe step children or adopted children but nonetheless I want a family. I want to finish my degree and have a worthwhile career where I help people and make a difference And most of all I want to be Happy.

So here is to the road I have taken to collect my puzzle pieces.... I can't wait to see the finished project.