Prisoner of Memories

Memories.

We make them everyday, every moment. Good ones and bad ones. Ones that make us feel like soaring like and eagle and those that make us feel like soaring off a bridge.

I am consumed by my memories.

I suffer from Insomnia. According to emedicneonline.com insomnia itself is not a condition, rather a telling tale, a symptom of a much larger condition. In my particular case, I am a prisoner of my memories, good and bad, and a slave to my fear of what the future holds.

I lie awake at night thinking of my childhood, adolescence and young adulthood. Those mile markers that make us or break us and some of us have more bad memories rather than pleasant ones.

The unfortunate thing about memories and us as human with emotions is that we tend to imprint places with those memories. One painful trip to the dentist and a fear is formed. A drive through town can become a waterfall, a tsunami of emotions and memories of a life past and an uncertain future.

Whiel we are always creating new memories, we never get rid of the old. Our brain is like internal memory on a computer. Each of us has a different capacity for what we can hold. How I wish that I could dump the painful memories onto a data stick and file them away and live only with the happy memories.

In 2004, there was a movie called Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. In this movie a couple whose relationship had soured each select to undergo a procedure in which they have the memories associated with the other person removed from their mind. In theory this would be an excellent answer for us to live "happy" lives. However, it is an impractical in practice. We are a sum of our parts and experiences and no matter how painful these are in our daily lives, we must find a way to reconcile our memories with our emotions and reclaim our sanity so that we can keep on keepin on.

Until I can balance those two things, I will find ways to cope, deal and expel the toxic thoughts that plague me.