Trust

Trust is a huge word in today's environment. I learned at an early age that trust was something that was often broken in relationships. I watched my parents marriage fall apart and one of my brothers date three girls at the same time. As I got older I became jaded and cynical that relationships were something that ever worked out for anyone. I accepted the fact that trust was going to be broken and lived with that as a rule rather than an exception.

That should never have been my position. I also just assumed that trust was something to be earned. While this is something that each person is different about, as a 30 something woman, I have been trying to put the trust out there and then wait for someone to show they don't deserve my trust. The only problem with this is that I have anxiety about this entire situation. I am afraid that I am going to trust and get hurt and I will have no one to blame but myself.

Here's hoping that my trust is never misplaced again and that I can learn to relax about trusting people.....

Perception : Yours is not the same as mine

When you are blogging or in essence telling your truth there comes a time when perception is everything. The perception that I have on a situation is going to be different from the one you have of the same events. Neither one is right or wrong necessarily, just different.

Why do I feel the need to point this out? Not so long ago it was brought to my attention that something I wrote from my perception on asituation offended someone in my life. That was never my intention. However,I shouldn't feel stiffled from blogging about my life events for fear that my perception of life events will hurt others because when I look back, the emotions I have surrounding these events is very real to me.

I hope this clears the air. I am not trying to hurt anyone, only set myself free from memories of the past that were either unfortunate or hurtful.

Waiting for my life to begin

Have you ever had that feeling that you are waiting for your life to begin?

I Do.... every. single. day.

OK so for the most part, when I think back, my life has been..... eventful

With everything that has happened recently I think my life ahs become kind of boring... compared to the life of a circus performer LOL.

Really - I sit here with so many thoughts racing through my head. I am wondering what the future will bring to me. I have no job, no place that I feel I can call my own and no sense of where my life is going in general.

Everyday is an exercise in patience. I hope and pray everyday to hear the whisper of God letting me know which path to take. I only hope I can hear him when the word comes down and I will have the courage, strength and perserverence to do what I need to when the time comes.

Times like this it is hard to be alone ( in the relative sense) After all I am the only one who has to live with me day in and day out.... :) Good thing I like me

Life according to a pencil

I went to a class the other day at the worksource office. In front of every computer was a brand new number two pencil, freshly sharpened and awaiting our use.

Yes I know that just opening like that makes me sound weird but stay with me here.

In the movie "You've Got Mail" there is an email exchange between Shopgirl and NY152 (I think that was his screenname). It was fall and the start of school was upon them. He mentioned sending her a bouquet of freshly sharpened pencils.... Mmmm the smell of pencil shavings.

OK so here you have a stick of wood, with an inner core of graphite. You start by sharpening a tip on the pencil and it is full of potnetial and possibilities. Its eraser fresh and ready.

Everyday you are using the tip of that pencil to communicate thoughts, dreams, equations of things that need to be handled. A mistake? your handy dandy eraser to the rescue - almost as if the mistake never happened. Tip run out of sharpness, shave it down and re sharpen it for more tasks... keep everything on a roll. The pencil is full of hope for the future.

However, in life just like people .. eventually you end up with baldness on top and shorter that you were in your hay day. You are short, stubby, eraserless and out of time.....

Use your pencil wisely :)

Tired of....

I am tired of being tired.

I am tired of not being able to sleep.

I am tired of being sick.

I am tired of not knowing where I stand with people.

I am tired of not having a job.

I am tired of not knowing where my life is headed.

I am tired of being depressed.

I am tired of being a slave to my emotions.

I am tired of the thoughts that race through my head.

I am tired ... just tired.

The Sport of Dating

Ding Ding

Sounds like the opening bell at a boxing match right? Wrong.

Men and Women are two completely different species. Everything from our body design to our communication styles. This often leads to sparring and irritation. Where is the referee when you need one?

Women (generally speaking) are taught from an early age that men tease you if they like you, that if they ignore you, they REALLY like you and that if they say they will call you, they will call you on their time table or not at all.

WHAT?

How does any of that make any sense. It is much easier to say what you mean, mean what you say and don't be afraid of a little feeling - we have feelings over everything.

Case in Point - I LOVE black raspberry ice cream and cannoli's.... down right infatuated
I HATE fish - the texture, the smell ICK
I HATE artificial sweeteners because they make me sick
I LOVE laughing
I LOVE dancing when no one watches and singing loud
I HATE being hurt

etc, etc etc

We have feelings about everything we do good, bad or indifferent.

Except when it comes to matters of the heart, soul and opposite sex, we confuse the signals. Up is down, right is left and yes is no.

In the last few months, I have had the privilege to meet a wonderful man. The confusing part is where we stand now. Men don't like to talk about feelings... real or implied. I know some of his history and he of mine. The details are just that, details and not for me to share here. What I can say is he is a man who had a women in his life. A women he cared for, trusted and shared his life with. She betrayed him, his trust and his feelings. It happens a lot in life to a lot of different people. We place ourselves completely in anothers care and they mishandle us.

I am currently on the path trying to prove myself to this man. To show I am worthy of being opened up to, being trusted, being worthy.

Is this really what I should be doing? Shouldn't I know I am worthy and let him either figure it out or lose me?

All I need to know is where we stand. Am I someone to get serious with or just someone to pass idle time with? How do I get him to talk to me about it instead of shrugging off as not wanting to talk about feelings? Why can't men and women just talk to each other without wondering if there are ulterior motives?

What do I do? I pose this question knowing that there is not just one answer. A friend earlier wrote " The beautiful thing is there are seven billion of us, like stars, each one unique, interesting and strange in their own way" (Thanks Machelle) This means that because of our unique natures and experiences none of us are going to be able to share the same history and outcomes of others fully. We simply need to learn how to communicate better, learn that the next person that comes along in our life won't be the same as the one that came before. We all have our own faults and impact every person we cross paths with.

Here is to hoping I learn the language of men before I make a complete ass of myself along the way.

(Here is to K. I hope you realize I am everything I put forth and more)

Prisoner of Memories

Memories.

We make them everyday, every moment. Good ones and bad ones. Ones that make us feel like soaring like and eagle and those that make us feel like soaring off a bridge.

I am consumed by my memories.

I suffer from Insomnia. According to emedicneonline.com insomnia itself is not a condition, rather a telling tale, a symptom of a much larger condition. In my particular case, I am a prisoner of my memories, good and bad, and a slave to my fear of what the future holds.

I lie awake at night thinking of my childhood, adolescence and young adulthood. Those mile markers that make us or break us and some of us have more bad memories rather than pleasant ones.

The unfortunate thing about memories and us as human with emotions is that we tend to imprint places with those memories. One painful trip to the dentist and a fear is formed. A drive through town can become a waterfall, a tsunami of emotions and memories of a life past and an uncertain future.

Whiel we are always creating new memories, we never get rid of the old. Our brain is like internal memory on a computer. Each of us has a different capacity for what we can hold. How I wish that I could dump the painful memories onto a data stick and file them away and live only with the happy memories.

In 2004, there was a movie called Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. In this movie a couple whose relationship had soured each select to undergo a procedure in which they have the memories associated with the other person removed from their mind. In theory this would be an excellent answer for us to live "happy" lives. However, it is an impractical in practice. We are a sum of our parts and experiences and no matter how painful these are in our daily lives, we must find a way to reconcile our memories with our emotions and reclaim our sanity so that we can keep on keepin on.

Until I can balance those two things, I will find ways to cope, deal and expel the toxic thoughts that plague me.

Finding Myself

Have you ever put together a puzzle only to find out there is a piece or two missing? How about laying out pieces and find out there are more than one puzzles pieces laying before you?

Growing up we are all about learning our identity. Who we are, what we want and how we are going to accomplish these goals. Sometimes along the way we lose or footing. We forget what we were trying to accomplish, we find what our hidden desires are and in the bottom of the ninth we are reestablishing the game plan.

I have many memories of my childhood. They are often the memories of when I did something wrong or how I fell short in goals of mine that were set forth by others... or at least that's how it felt to me.

Reality is I was born late in life to my parents (at least my 1977 standards). My Brothers were 8 and 10 when I was born and my parents were 32 and 36. My life held the usual childhood events - bringing home chickenpox to share with my brothers, learning to ride a bike and swim with floaties while we "camped" during the summer and the unfortunate teasing that kids go through. Some more, some less but I was definitely on the more side.

When I was twelve my parents divorced. There are a lot of details of which for you, my blog reader, are not important. What you need to know was that it was painful. I never for a moment thought it was my fault like most children do. I knew what had happened and I knew that there was not a chance my family would be "the same" but we eventually evolved into a new kind of normal for us. I had visitation with my dad, lived with my mom, went to school, counseling and rode horses. My days at school were filled with teasing for a variety of reasons - I was different.

Different was the catch all phrase... basically I was not dressed in the coolest clothes, I had an enormous overbite that won me the title Bucky Beaver and I had gone through puberty when I was 10 which lead to the development of breasts and most of the other girls in class were still flat as boards. To them I was a freak of nature that had infiltrated their daily lives.

I had the framework for my puzzle, but not really anything inside of it. Like most people as we age we endure certain "rites of passage" and earn those pieces to add to our puzzle... to complete our story.

When I was a teenager, I graduated from high school, unremarkably in the top third of my class and I worked a couple of jobs. I did a semester at the local community college and did average. I longed for more. I dated a few boys which inevitably ended when they found someone they liked better. My mother once said to me that in her day, if you weren't engaged or married by the time you got out of high school you were considered an old maid. She continued to tell me that was no longer the standard and I should make sure I experienced life before I settled down.



Life continued and I dated a boy(man) with whom I felt great affection. We moved in together and lived this way for several years. The dark secret here was that he had a great affection for alcohol. This love affair for him was more potent than anything I had ever experienced with a man. Alcohol was his life. He would disappear for days on end, there were suspicions that he was cheating on me and I was a casualty in the midst. He ended up with a DUI and with me shuttling him between his jobs and still he drank. There were arguments, black outs and a lot of babysitting on my part. Inevitably, a friend of a friend witnessed his infidelity with their eyes and contacted me. The next day he moved out. Our relationship had actually been over for quite some time. We were more like roommates than romantic partners. I was always put off by the stench of stale alcohol on his breath and the fact that he didn't find me attractive anymore. He rathered his porn to me. When he moved out it was a relief. I felt that I had done everything I could have done for him, I had tried and that I no longer had to wait and wonder if he was gonna call from jail again or next time if I would get a call from the morgue. I added another piece to my puzzle - this one was called savior complex.



Shortly after I met Scott. we were introduced by mutual friends and right away I felt comfortable with him. Long phone conversations and long days spent together. The boys

had flown up for time with him and they were driving back to TX. We talked everyday while he was gone and the day he got back, I went to see him. We picked back up and soon were living together. That was when I got my first sign that things were wrong. I was helping to clean out his truck and I found a note to his dad. It was about how Shiela had come over and he had gotten a piece of ass. His reasoning to me was that he didn't think I would still be around when he got back from TX. I accepted the reasoning that we hadn't defined ourselves as exclusive. Over the next few months he moved out on me and came back three times. Insecurities of his rose to the surface and I fought for what I thought was a relationship worth saving, although in reality it caused me to be emotionally insecure... always waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Things eventually settled down and things were good...really good. We got engaged and married. I had had to sign a pre nup. IT was like divorce before the marriage. I was hurt, felt like my loyalty and love were being questioned. In the end I signed it because I was betting on love to win. How Stupid was I?

We moved to Washington due to military orders. I was off on an adventure. I was moving away from home, family and friends all to be with the man I married. Things were difficult mostly because he was gone a lot. We moved into a new townhouse and then the bomb dropped. Blake was coming to live with us. In two weeks I was going to go from the fun step mom who sent gifts and gave wisdom via telephone to a full time stop parent complete with upcoming four month deployment. I was scared shitless and I knew that this would make or break our family.

Blake came to live with us and like most 12 year olds he was a hand full. Scott deployed and things became like the seventh circle of hell. I fought for my sanity, my family and control everyday. When Scott got home he was overjoyed that Blake was not in jail and I had not filed for divorce. Seven months later he did.

My life was once again turned helter skelter and I hurt deep in my soul. I thought death would be easier, but everyday I woke up and went to work trying to find the value in helping others even though In felt decimated by what was happening in my own life.

By this time I had completed two degrees and was working on my Master's.

About the time the divorce was complete, I lost my job- My identity it was the bottom for me.

These were all pieces in the puzzle of my life.

I am a woman who has an Associates in Business and a Bachelors in Criminal Justice. I have been a wife, a mother, a friend, a sister, a daughter and an aunt. I value each of these puzzle pieces in my life because they have helped to contribute to the phenomenal person I have become. I used to feel that I grew up in the shadow of my brothers. They are handsome and successful and have lives that are well put together. I was always envious of them. Now I know I can be all they are and more if I just put forth the effort. Today I am more of an equal.

While I am currently broke because of our "tough economic times" and still searching for a job, I have the promise and hope of the future. Then puzzle pieces are starting to come together.

I have some medical issues - the thyroid, my metabolism, my depression, my insomnia - these are all puzzle pieces. They themselves don't define me, but they are there. Some of these puzzle pieces can be changed like a dual sided puzzle. Black , white,off, on they are there but not necessarily concrete.

What I know to be true-

I know that my life is really just starting at 32. I know that while I debate some big issues in my life there is still time. I bet on love and lost but I won't let that deter me from continuing to look for it. I will not settle for less than I am worth. Being lonely is different from being alone.

I have also come to some conclusions about my life. I know that I want a family of my own. I know that families come in different ways. Maybe it will be a long term relationship, maybe marriage. Maybe natural children, maybe step children or adopted children but nonetheless I want a family. I want to finish my degree and have a worthwhile career where I help people and make a difference And most of all I want to be Happy.

So here is to the road I have taken to collect my puzzle pieces.... I can't wait to see the finished project.

Love... Is it really for suckers?

I spend a lot of time wondering if I was ever truly loved in my marriage. I question the entirety of the relationship seeing as how it was so easily disposed of.

At this point, these questions are neither here nor there.

I recently met someone who I think is special. We spoke via the Internet, Text Messages and Phone for quite a while before we actually met in person. He is a wonderful man, and without going into much detail on account of his being a person who preserves his privacy, I will tell you that he, like many of us, have been burned by prior relationships. He once said Love is for Suckers. Tonight I wonder if that is true.

This is me wondering if I put to much stock in the idea of Love. I wonder if I am able to be loved, worthy of it, if there is someone out there who could love me. I am far from perfect, I have my own set of issues ranging from my insecurity that I will be left (because its a recurring theme in my life), If I am attractive enough, if someone will see past the fact that I am a larger, curvier girl. I wonder if I am asking and expecting too much from another person. I know that I should be able to be enough for myself but I want more. I want to love and be loved, I want to be romanced and woo'ed. I want to feel that there is someone else in this world that I matter to.

I want someone to make plans to be with me, value time with me, find things about me that are irresistible (like my laugh). I want to know that I am a single rose in the valley of ferns. I want to know that there is the possibility of something, I want time to explore. Unfortunately all of this comes with the possibility of finding love, finding that you aren't the one and the euphoria of feeling alive and the pain of rejection.

I think that I am a sucker... so bring it on.

Catch up time

Recently many things have happened that have not made it into the blog despite repeated requests from friends who witnessed said events.

First I would like to thank my friend D~ She made time to see me during her world tour and even tried to find me a boyfriend during lunch. She proudly announced to the server about my divorce and asked him if he knew of any single men he could throw my way. I was offered a 17 year old boy and while the thought of going to jail is one event I haven't yet been on, I declined the offer and made sure she left him a large tip for tormenting him.

The dating has slowed way down - not for lack of offers.... I have a NIgerian who would like me to bring himn to this country, a gaggle of Canadians, a flock of men in their 50's and 60's, a paael of men who make inappropriate remarks from the beginning on what the chances are of a sexual encounter on the first date (and declinations on the sex part don't get a second date)

On the seemingly normal guys I talk to, I have a super power..... I talk to them and then they disappear POOF. However, that being said I recently met a very nice guy. What I mean is he is genuine, adorable, funny, smart and the best part .... he seems to like me for me. Now before you faint from the sheer knowledge that a man like this actually exists, please know that I am not scaring this one off. Obviously its new so we will only have to wait to see where this goes, but in the mean time I am enjoying the gentle woo'ing that is coming my direction.

After the last nine months, I have had to take a step back and evaluate my life. The man I married and thought would be with me forever turned out to be a mirage, the child I was raising turned out to under mine a marriage and decimate a relationship of adults, I lost my job with an organization I truly believed in the mission - all in the name of budget cuts and I had to realize, even on my bad days, I am stronger now than I was 9 months ago.

Saturday night when I was at church and Susan said to me - wow you are looking good these days. I realized, I have lost some weight, cut the hair, added the highlights and even when I am down, I can boop around and make others laugh. I made it through the seventh circle of hell.... and I did it all with a little help from my friends.

Another night of aimless ramblings and I will blame it on the sudafed... but you have seena snapshot into what I have been thinking in the last several months. In the time it would have taken to incubate a small human, I have been reborn into a new me... so take a look at me and take your best shot, I only come back for more :)