What's the Deal?

What's the Deal? Everyday I wake up and I am a slave to my emotions. Some days I am top of the world and I sail through the day without any problems. Other days, like today, I feel so low, I feel worthless and I feel imprisoned by these thoughts and emotions. I realize that my friends tell me that I am not at a point in my life where I should be focusing on a relationship of any kind, and I should be focusing on me. I can see their point, but at the same time I have spent so much of my adult life with men who couldn't or wouldn't put me first, it is something that I deeply desire. I want a man who thinks of me as his everything, a man who wants me to be happy, a man that can be happy with me and a man who can see a future for us. I know he is out there somewhere and that everything In have been through in my life has prepared me for what is to come, but why does everything in life have to be a culmination of pain. I know we grow from our experiences and we become who we are because of those experiences and sometimes we are even viewed as damaged because of them, but is it really supposed to be so damn hard?

I want to find someone who realizes how special I am and is willing to work to be with me because they can see my charisma...but then again what do I know?

Here I Go Again.....

When will I ever learn? I really can't go into anymore detail than that at this particular moment because I don't feel like crying. I am just beating myself up because I never learn. I get comfortable with what I have going on and when I allow myself to do/feel/experience something other than the typical routine I end up paying dearly for it. I just can't accept the fact that my life is meant to be monotonous and alone yet why is it when I allow myself to dream of more, those dreams are shattered nearly as quickly as they begin to unfold. This is why I am unable to truely trust other people. I have been burned one to many times as far as that goes and I am tired of being let down by others. I know that 'they' always say that the only person in life that you can count on is yourself, but is that the way it should be? Shouldn't there be other people that you can rely on and count on to be there when you want them there AND when you need them to be there? Am I really that oblivious that I can't grasp this concept? Or is it that I am only oblivious to dealing with men, in general? Maybe I need to learn to live only in the moment and that longevity doesn't exist anymore. Who knows, I guess I will find out the more I dance through life and learn from the everyday.

Spark

There is this mythical creature called Spark. I have seen it, I have felt it and now I long to find it once more.

What is Spark? Is it instantaneous, does it develop through a series of events, does it hide until you prove yourself worthy of it?

Can Spark happen when you are still damaged, does it wait until it feels you are healed, or until you have proven yourself worthy of its return?

Is Spark physical, emotional or intellectual... a combination?

Is Spark the same from relationship to relationship, does it morph, does it wax and wane. How do we recognize it is it is always changing.

Is it when we laugh, when we experience another strong emotion, it is electrifying?

Spark - I am looking for you, waiting for you and hoping I will recognize you when you surface.

Through the fire

As most of you know, the past few months have brought hellfire and brimstone into my life. Today after another full day of moving, and an emotionally turbulent day, I sat down to reflect on what is going on. I realized that I have walked through the valley of fire. It not only nipped at my feet, but at times tried to consume my mind, heart and soul. The past few days I have been packing up my life to move into my new place to start the newest chapter in my life. Emotions that I thought had been long been put to bed reared their ugly head and turned the new zen me into a monster of raw emotions. It felt like the scab that had healed into place had been ripped off, fresh and new. All I can say is that it sucked. Here I am packing "my" belongings and coming across momentos of our wedding, the honeymoon that was never planned, things from our daily life together, all the happy times before the darkness came. I saw friends of mine who are couples holding hands and it made me think back to when HE wanted to hold my hand, when he wanted to be with me, when I was important to him, when he loved me and meant forever. The emotions and memories came flooding back to me.



I sat here and thought of two country songs that explain the feelings that are going on within me. The first is Ring of Fire by Johnny Cash.

"Love is a burning thing and it makes a firery ring bound by wild desireI fell in to a ring of fire...I fell in to a burning ring of fireI went down,down,downand the flames went higher.And it burns,burns,burns the ring of firethe ring of fire...."

So we know that I fell, and fell hard and I got burned... the unfortunate part about this is even though I am jaded, it is inevitable that I will allow myself to fall in love again when I am done bleeding over this one.

The second is Standing Outside the Fire by Garth Brooks.

"We call them cool Those hearts that have no scars to show The ones that never do let go And risk it the tables being turned
We call them fools Who have to dance within the flame Who chance the sorrow and the shame That always come with getting burned
But you got to be tough when consumed by desire 'Cause it's not enough just to stand outside the fire
We call them strong Those who can face this world alone Who seem to get by on their own Those who will never take the fall
We call them weak Who are unable to resist The slightest chance love might exist And for that forsake it all
They're so hell bent on giving, walking a wire Convinced it's not living if you stand outside the fire
Standing outside the fire Standing outside the fire Life is not tried it is merely survived If you're standing outside the fire There's this love that is burning Deep in my soul Constantly yearning to get out of control Wanting to fly higher and higher I can't abide standing outside the fire"

Here he sings about the different types of people in life and how they face love and the consequences of their decisions around love. We know that I am the one that jumps in because I take the chance, I bet on love to win out. According to this song I am weak and a fool but I think I am stronger than most because I keep thinking that I will find that person that I am meant to be with. I take the chance which is more than most people can say, this means that the percentages are not in my favor.. the more you try, the more you might get hurt.. but TRUE LOVE IS WORTH THE RISK.

Now I just need to keep reminding myself of that. Remind myself that I don't need to settle and that in the end, love will win out.

Come on Cupid.... give me your best shot.