When is enough enough?

Recently I have been through the wringer of life. My husband left me and filed for divorce, my job downsized me and generally, every man I meet wants something from me, whether they realize it or not. I have spoken to men and developed "relationships" based on email exchange and phone conversation and then they mysteriously disappear. I go through the process of getting to know them for them and all they want is a picture of me so that they can ridicule the way I look or just ignore me and disappear without a trace. Some even want just a physical encounter and quite frankly, even though I am a woman with needs, I know when to put my foot down. I have spent my life living in the shadows of my over achieving brothers and not amounting to much. I am never enough for anyone or I am too much for what they want. I know that now is the time for me to find out what makes me happy and live my life for me and no one else. The unfortunate part of this is currently I feel like a total failure and I can't see that there is a future to go to. It takes everything I am to get through each day. I decided that if I were to re work my personal ad it would read something like this.....


I am a strong woman... this means strong physically, mentally, emotionally and in will. I am a real woman with curves. If you are looking for a Barbie Doll, may I suggest the nearest aisle at the toy store or a boy since they are lithe, non curvy, no chested substitutes for a girl. If you are thinking of running a game, let me inform you first and foremost that I am smart and in most cases smarter than you. You will not win or "get away" with anything. If you are looking for a girl to play games with, get yourself a blowup doll or a lobotomized patient from the nearest mental institution. Don't write quirky pithy lines in hopes of catching my eye because when it comes down to it, I want a man who is willing to walk the walk instead of talking the talk. I want a real man. This means a man who can tell the truth even when it might hurt, a man who knows that I am a sum of my experiences and not damaged goods in spite of them, a man who knows how to be a real lover and friend, a man that provides the spark that is needed. Don't put on your profile that you are seeking a long term relationship and then make excuses why that can't be or happen.... It could be you just aren't that into me, or you believe that that line will garner you more feline satisfaction and is only a guise.

I have had more inappropriate things said to me, messaged to me and general bad manners on the behalf of the male species. If being gay was a choice, I would have run screaming for the other team by now, but in all my wise, witty and charming characteristics I still believe that somewhere out there is the one perfect man who is also wondering where I am. I am running low on faith and patience and I am sure he must be as well. This is also assuming that he exists and hasn't given up.

If you, the man reading this, have gotten this far here are my criteria : You must be white or at least white-ish. This means I do not want a black man, an asian man or a middle eastern man. This is not racist, these are MY preferences. I also want a man who is close in age. This means if you are old enough to be my father.... grow up and EWWW. I am not interested in a man who is too young as in barely legal. While I am sure you are a "stallion" in your own mind, I have grown weary of teaching men (aka boys) the ins and outs of pleasing a lady. I want a man who already has the basics down and doens;t need a continuous ego boost. I am coming into my sexual prime. This means that while there is always give and take, you had better be able to go the distance and not need to be coached along the way more often than not.

Now I can only assume that at this point I also need to state a few more obvious points. Do not send me a form email about how beautiful I am because I can smell it coming from a mile away.. this also means don't send me the same form email over the course of a few days.. MY memory is better than yours so see above ( I am smarter than you, etc) this means I know you are full of shit and I will not respond. Don't tell me that and hour drive is to far away for a meaningful relationship... I came 3000 miles across the country because of love and a meaningful relationship. All that does is show that you are not even remotley close to serious about finding a long term anything except for a provider of sex for your needs.

Men: speak what you mean and follow through if you are serious. There are too many women out there that act like idiots, spaz's, morons, stalkers etc because you are the masters at redirection and unclear signals. All this time you blame the women for not knowing better when in fact you are all a bunch of morons that are unable to be true to yourselves, or anyone else for that matter.

I am here to tell you, I fell for it. Recently I fell for a guy. I had no picture of this guy and the joke with my friends was that he could look like a mailbox for all I cared. I drove 2 hours to where he lived because I thought he was serious when he said I can't see you tonight, but tomorrow I can. AS you can probably already tell I did not see him and still didn't know what he looked like. We made a date to meet and he gave me a reason that he had to push it off and then he disappeared. A week later he resurfaced and I was dealing with all this crap over seeing Scott again. I asked for him to call me to tell me things would be okay. He promised he would, only after I sent him a photo. Photo after photo and he told me they were blurry and then he disappeared again. Basically, he finally got one that wasn't blurry and I was too fat for him to accept. By the way, I did get a photo and he was adorable..... too bad he didn't feel the same way.... I think we could have been good together.......

What is my point here? That even I, the smart chick with glasses, can be duped by a man, more than once even. What happens is the wall around my heart becomes more fortified with each deception and therefore harder for me to trust or accept anyone at face value. The good thing about being jaded is you know that you will never settle, unfortunatley the price will be that I may never find happiness.

When is enough, enough?
I'll let you know when I have figured it out... until then I am sure that I will continue to find out with each disappointing encounter I have.