Trapped by Feelings

Recently there has been a recurring theme to my life.... one of loss and rejection. I lost the marriage that I thought would last forever. I lost the step son that I believed that I was in his life to make his life better, I lost the job that I believed in and thought I was making a difference. I have been rejected by men, by jobs and by people whom I considered friends. I have had to deal with the fact that I am never going to have relationships with some family members that I grew thinking that time would heal.
I am looking for work, looking for a purpose to my life, looking for something to believe in. Each rejection, whether it be family, friends, members of the opposite sex or potential jobs that don't want me, I feel myself losing a piece of my spirit. I know that a lot of what I am going through is that this is a stormy season for a lot of people and isn't something to be taken personally, but how do you not take things personally when it is you they are saying no to?
Every rejection gives me that feeling that it is ME that is not worthy, not wanted and not special enough. How do I overcome these feelings of inadequacy and restore myself to the person I am suppossed to be? I feel trapped and I am hating the fact that I feel weak and that I have let this self doubt creep in and muddy the waters of my life.

News in Review 08-25-09

Here are some musing over the past weeks news events :

Michael Jackson: Murdered - His doctor gave him pill after pill until he gave him a "diluted" dose of propofol. Now while I am not a Doctor, I would not have kept giving him narcotics end over end... what did this dink think would happen with all this shit mixing in his system? Pull his license and put him where all dumbasses go - To Jail

Lockerbie Terrorist Released on Compassionate Grounds - WTF people... He had no compassion for the people he blew up, why should we care that he is terminal? Let him rot in jail until the time that Karma sends him straight to hell. No, he was released and sent home to Libya where he is considered a national hero.... Way to go Scotland.. you might as well post a sign that says we heat terrorists.

President Obama on Vacation- so this means the email I sent him last week won't be answered until he goes back to work. However there are people who are pissed that he is taking a week off after eight months of work. Granted most people have to wait a year before their job gives them time off, but considering the immense mountain of shit he walked into office to deal with cut the man some slack. Give him a week with his family before they go back to work and school because you know everything he deals with on a daily basis requires patience and skill to deal with. I would love to see one of these critics run this country for a week withou shedding a few tears.

Crypt near Marilyn Monroe auctioned off on ebay - Really ... this is the most fascinating newsworthy story of the day? This is just weird.

Murdered Model - Manhunt ensues for ex husband of model. Then he takes his own life. Case solved and no trial.

Swine Flu precautions being out in place as schools go back in session - People... its the FLU.... cover your mouth, wash your hands etc its called good hygiene.....

I realized while typing this that this has been one of my most boring blogs ever... probably won't do this again :)

Roll Call

I am just curious how many people actually read my blog. If you are religious with keeping tabs on me, or just an occasional lurker,now is the time to just send up a smoke signal so I know who my reading audience is....

Greatly Appreciated and I look forward to giving you more reading for your stalkerish pleasure :)

Here a Blog, There a Blog

So the last few days have been interesting to say the least.

I finally sucked up my pride, or what little I actually have left these days, and filed with DSHS for financial assistance. I had to go to Bremerton (EWWW) and have an in person interview. Their paperwork states to bring all paperwork relating to expenditures. I go, armed with oodles of paper trail that proves who I am and that I am in fact a living breathing person. I walk into this building to see the masses of people who work the system and I am pretty sure I am the only one who bathed recently,not to mention today in general. I start to well up with tears because I know I do not belong in this place, but if help is here, here is where I must come.
I meet with my caseworker and find out that my $808.oo a month take home of unemployment disqualifies me from cash assistance or medical (aka Medicaid) She then says that if I were to get pregnant I could qualify for more assistance. REALLY? They actually advocate for that? I stated to here that I didn't see that as a viable option to bring a child into this world. Call me old fashioned, but I believe that a child should be conceived out of love between two people, by people who want a child and who can afford or have some sort of game plan for that child's future. Don't get me wrong, I am not discounting ever having my own children, but damn at least I am fully aware that this is not the right time or the right way to go about it.
Anyways, by this point, all pride being gone I am in full on cry mode. In the past when crying was present my ex would say "Are you fixin to start?" to which my reply would be "To beat you, YES". In reality I am sure that is a good point when it comes to being overly emotional since I am known for being embarrassed at crying when I think I should be able to control it and even to the point of being pissed at myself. On this day there would be no restraint at crying in front of a stranger and I told her the system sucked. Her reply? I told you how to make the system work for you otherwise write the president (which upon getting home I did in fact send an email to President Obama .... I expect a response this week LOL)
So anyways no pride or self respect I left the office with a handy dandy EBT card filled with my $86 monthly allotment for food. I just CAN'T WAIT to start brandishing it at the local market to show people just how poor I currently am.

Let's see what's next... Oh Yeah

Was referred by the local Worksource office (WA place that helps you find a job) for a position at a local United Way Organization. While I won't divulge the name of the particular organization, let's just say that my Bachelors was a perfect fit. Worksource was given the task of prescreening a certain number of applicants (21) and then the interviewing was to begin. I even checked in with my caseworker at Worksource to find out what was going on. So I waited and waited and waited and yup.. yesterday got a rejection letter without even getting an interview.... WHAT? How the hell is it even helpful to have Worksource prescreen for yo if you aren't going to meet with all of the potential candidates before making a decision?

At this point I am nearing the 300+ mark on the number of applications and resumes that are out there circulating. I am feeling like a failure. I even applied at Walmart and couldn't get hired, even with my mom working for the company in a store 3000 miles away.... WTF man.

They tell you even at the Worksource office that getting a job is all about who you know and in most cases it is. Case in point, I originally applied for a position at the DRC when my friend Andrea worked there.. she told me about the job. I didn't get it but Kim did. Later on I met Kim and when I was losing a job to to a family situation, it just so happens the DRC was looking for another position which I got. Here is to hoping that knowing Amy will get me the fantabulous job she told me about because the money is bitchin'. If I don't get this job it just further cements the fact that I need to move away from this area, but to where still remains to be seen. I know people back east want me to come that way, but I am not sure that is where I am supposed to go. I guess it just means that I have some more conversating to do with God before I know my true purpose. I do know that I have one true hearts desire, but I am trying to hold myself back so that I don't hurt myself in the process.

Well now that is nearly 3 am, I am going to try to finally get some shut eye..... right after I spell check this and get a snack since my belly is roaring. (Disclaimer: And yes there are some words intentionally spelled different and even a made up word.. totally on purpose)

Night Peeps.....

Smitten Kitten

Have you ever been totally smitten with something or someone?

Yesterday I was in Bellevue , WA for the first time since moving here nearly four years ago. After being lost for a bit, I made it to my appointment which turned out to be a huge disappointment ( That is for a different Post) While re-orienting myself I ended up in the beaautiful, downtown area that was sleek and posh looking. TOtally normal businesses glammed up in this ritzy area. I decided to go to none otehr than the Cheesecake Factory for a late lunch/early dinner. Everyone I came into contact with was extremely pleasant.. well except one (who also will be in that other post to come mentioned above).
I almost could fit in there. I say almost because every other car that drove by me was an elite high end machine with one of THOSE emblems on it ... you know what I am talking about...LOL.

As I was returning to the parking garage where my car was parked ( can you say parking that is Gratis? Imagine that for Providence Place my New England Peeps) I saw a Hoopdy drive by and then I knew it was ok... I started recognizing the working class vehicles that were also in Bellevue and I thought, I could live here, work here and Play here......

It also seems to be a very Christian Commnunity. Lots of Faith Based Churches and stores, nice people, nice to look at.

Anyways, these days it is not the only thing I am a Smitten Kitten over, but the other thing ... a person I would have to kill you if I told you about it. I just hope he knows and realizes he is a lucky man....

Why Don't I Ever Learn?

I think the title is pretty self explanatory....

I set myself up to be a punk and I pretend things will go the way they unfold in my mind.

That is something they used to institunionalize people.. luckily I realize the difference between my dreams and reality.... that is apparently one for the plus column.

This is not directed at any one particular part of my life, it just seems everyday I do something that in hindsight was a dumb ass thing to do... and I KNOW I am way smarter than I act sometimes :)

Milwaukee Mayor "Ain't No Cream Puff"

This is a story of true heroism and an example of how a person in a position of power leads by example.

The Mayor of Milwaukee was assaulted while leaving the Wisconsin State fair. The Mayor and his family heard a woman who was in distress. It turned out she was being accosted by her daughters ex boyfriend who was intoxicated. Upon seeing the Mayor and his family he charged at them with a metal baton in his hand. The Mayor struggled with the dangerous man until the police sirens could be heard and then the suspect ran away, later to be caught.

The Mayor suffered lacerations to his head and face and a broken hand which may never fully recover from the trauma.

While it is never suggested that anyone enter into an altercation with another person,especially one under the influence of drugs or alcohol, the Mayor made the right judgement call in calling 911 before approaching the situation and once the suspect had turned his attention to the Mayor, the Mayor was protecting the woman, her grandchild and his own family.

The point I am trying to make here, and am doing a poor job at it, but when you see a fellow person in trouble don't do nothing, do something. Call 911, try to get the person in danger to safety.

I had an opportunity to do such a thing several years ago back in Connecticut. I was driving through Greenville (and any of my CT peeps know how seedy that area is) and a guy was punching a women in her face at the gas station. Men, BIG men were standing there watching this atrocity go on. I made a u turn and went back honking my horn and I drove right up to the guy. I got out and could hear the sirens coming and I was screaming at him to let her go. He was so confused fromm all the noise he was easliy apprehended when the cops arrived.

I will be the first to admit when I was younger I definately did not think before acting and had the cops not been hot on their way I probably would have jumped the guy. After all I was taking karate. However too many people these days do nothing... nothing at all when another person is in trouble. We can make a difference in just one life and it will pay itself forward.

Mahatma Ghandi once said "Be the change you want to see in the world" I often hope I am doing enough to leave my mark. In this case, Mayor Tom Barrett made that difference to one woman and her grandchild.

His town made up t-shirts to show their pride in their mayor. The slogan simply reads "Our mayor ain't no cream puff"

Here's a heartfelt thank you to this mayor for making a differnce and setting the tone for people to help one another.

Good JOB!

South African teen wins 800 amid gender-test flap>>>>> WTF?

OK so the news gets more bizarre every single day.

While I am creative, even I can't make this shit up.

So this South African runner bursts onto the scene and obliterates world standings. She is towering in height, deep voice and built like an ox. As with anything in life there are skeptics. How does an unknown teenager come from no where to clinch titles in her sport ?

Well, she must be a man.

Huh?

There are girls who have height, strength and without secretly being a man.

This girl (yup I said GIRL) has to undergo testing with a shrink, an ob-gyn, genetic testing, endocrinologist etc. So after the ob-gyn doctor there were still questions?

If I were to join the skeptics I would go to still think girl, I would just say performance enhancing drugs.... I wouldn't got he man route....

My only other question would revolve around the Adam's apple..... is it plainly visible?

I hope that this girl gets cleared soon. Although I would also get a kick out of watching her compete against the men and kick their asses ..... it would serve the sport officials right for creating a mockery out of the sport and taking away from the talent of this girl.

(I reserve the right to change my mind about the above should the tests show she is really a he. After all I am a woman (and yes I am sure) and its my prerogative to change my mind)

BYOB

Bring Your Own.... BAGS???

Yes folks we know when we go shopping at the grocery store we will buy products that will need to be carted home for consumption.

The burden of providing that method of carting has always been on the stores. We have been at their mercy when we want paper and they only have plastic or vice versa.

Then the environmentalists cried about the impact of bags on the environment. So those of us that can be guilted were into reusable shopping bags.

When we bring them into the store, some give you a credit of .03 a bag for reusing bags.

That in itself is kinda cool but then on the news you hear that they are proposing a .20 cent per bag tax over in Seattle for each bag you take from them... so if I bring in 7 bags but need to take one plastic bag, I have negated the whole bring in bag credit.

Punish people because they need to carry their groceries home. The reusable bags rage from .99 to 1.99 ( some places more) they get you coming and going.

This is almost as bad at the taxes levied on women for their feminine products. They tax you on something you have very little control over..... But that's a rant for another time. Stupid people

Play it Again .... Brett?

Okay so I know the world has a love afair with Brett Farve.. but really?

Play, Retire, Play, Retire, Play.....

The news coverage alone is nauseating.

Do we not realize blatant narcissistic behavior when we see it?

He retires to hear the "please don't, please stay" and to drive up contract prices. He likes to play, likes to be wanted and loves the money.

I find it hard to be moved by a man who is suffering from the passage of time (the grey is a giveaway) and the fact that he has admitted his body is not getting any younger.

When the team you played for your entire career no longer wants you, that should be the sign it's time to go.

Brett - do us and yourself a favor and retire, FOR REAL, before you end up injured and no good to your family.