Finding Myself

Have you ever put together a puzzle only to find out there is a piece or two missing? How about laying out pieces and find out there are more than one puzzles pieces laying before you?

Growing up we are all about learning our identity. Who we are, what we want and how we are going to accomplish these goals. Sometimes along the way we lose or footing. We forget what we were trying to accomplish, we find what our hidden desires are and in the bottom of the ninth we are reestablishing the game plan.

I have many memories of my childhood. They are often the memories of when I did something wrong or how I fell short in goals of mine that were set forth by others... or at least that's how it felt to me.

Reality is I was born late in life to my parents (at least my 1977 standards). My Brothers were 8 and 10 when I was born and my parents were 32 and 36. My life held the usual childhood events - bringing home chickenpox to share with my brothers, learning to ride a bike and swim with floaties while we "camped" during the summer and the unfortunate teasing that kids go through. Some more, some less but I was definitely on the more side.

When I was twelve my parents divorced. There are a lot of details of which for you, my blog reader, are not important. What you need to know was that it was painful. I never for a moment thought it was my fault like most children do. I knew what had happened and I knew that there was not a chance my family would be "the same" but we eventually evolved into a new kind of normal for us. I had visitation with my dad, lived with my mom, went to school, counseling and rode horses. My days at school were filled with teasing for a variety of reasons - I was different.

Different was the catch all phrase... basically I was not dressed in the coolest clothes, I had an enormous overbite that won me the title Bucky Beaver and I had gone through puberty when I was 10 which lead to the development of breasts and most of the other girls in class were still flat as boards. To them I was a freak of nature that had infiltrated their daily lives.

I had the framework for my puzzle, but not really anything inside of it. Like most people as we age we endure certain "rites of passage" and earn those pieces to add to our puzzle... to complete our story.

When I was a teenager, I graduated from high school, unremarkably in the top third of my class and I worked a couple of jobs. I did a semester at the local community college and did average. I longed for more. I dated a few boys which inevitably ended when they found someone they liked better. My mother once said to me that in her day, if you weren't engaged or married by the time you got out of high school you were considered an old maid. She continued to tell me that was no longer the standard and I should make sure I experienced life before I settled down.



Life continued and I dated a boy(man) with whom I felt great affection. We moved in together and lived this way for several years. The dark secret here was that he had a great affection for alcohol. This love affair for him was more potent than anything I had ever experienced with a man. Alcohol was his life. He would disappear for days on end, there were suspicions that he was cheating on me and I was a casualty in the midst. He ended up with a DUI and with me shuttling him between his jobs and still he drank. There were arguments, black outs and a lot of babysitting on my part. Inevitably, a friend of a friend witnessed his infidelity with their eyes and contacted me. The next day he moved out. Our relationship had actually been over for quite some time. We were more like roommates than romantic partners. I was always put off by the stench of stale alcohol on his breath and the fact that he didn't find me attractive anymore. He rathered his porn to me. When he moved out it was a relief. I felt that I had done everything I could have done for him, I had tried and that I no longer had to wait and wonder if he was gonna call from jail again or next time if I would get a call from the morgue. I added another piece to my puzzle - this one was called savior complex.



Shortly after I met Scott. we were introduced by mutual friends and right away I felt comfortable with him. Long phone conversations and long days spent together. The boys

had flown up for time with him and they were driving back to TX. We talked everyday while he was gone and the day he got back, I went to see him. We picked back up and soon were living together. That was when I got my first sign that things were wrong. I was helping to clean out his truck and I found a note to his dad. It was about how Shiela had come over and he had gotten a piece of ass. His reasoning to me was that he didn't think I would still be around when he got back from TX. I accepted the reasoning that we hadn't defined ourselves as exclusive. Over the next few months he moved out on me and came back three times. Insecurities of his rose to the surface and I fought for what I thought was a relationship worth saving, although in reality it caused me to be emotionally insecure... always waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Things eventually settled down and things were good...really good. We got engaged and married. I had had to sign a pre nup. IT was like divorce before the marriage. I was hurt, felt like my loyalty and love were being questioned. In the end I signed it because I was betting on love to win. How Stupid was I?

We moved to Washington due to military orders. I was off on an adventure. I was moving away from home, family and friends all to be with the man I married. Things were difficult mostly because he was gone a lot. We moved into a new townhouse and then the bomb dropped. Blake was coming to live with us. In two weeks I was going to go from the fun step mom who sent gifts and gave wisdom via telephone to a full time stop parent complete with upcoming four month deployment. I was scared shitless and I knew that this would make or break our family.

Blake came to live with us and like most 12 year olds he was a hand full. Scott deployed and things became like the seventh circle of hell. I fought for my sanity, my family and control everyday. When Scott got home he was overjoyed that Blake was not in jail and I had not filed for divorce. Seven months later he did.

My life was once again turned helter skelter and I hurt deep in my soul. I thought death would be easier, but everyday I woke up and went to work trying to find the value in helping others even though In felt decimated by what was happening in my own life.

By this time I had completed two degrees and was working on my Master's.

About the time the divorce was complete, I lost my job- My identity it was the bottom for me.

These were all pieces in the puzzle of my life.

I am a woman who has an Associates in Business and a Bachelors in Criminal Justice. I have been a wife, a mother, a friend, a sister, a daughter and an aunt. I value each of these puzzle pieces in my life because they have helped to contribute to the phenomenal person I have become. I used to feel that I grew up in the shadow of my brothers. They are handsome and successful and have lives that are well put together. I was always envious of them. Now I know I can be all they are and more if I just put forth the effort. Today I am more of an equal.

While I am currently broke because of our "tough economic times" and still searching for a job, I have the promise and hope of the future. Then puzzle pieces are starting to come together.

I have some medical issues - the thyroid, my metabolism, my depression, my insomnia - these are all puzzle pieces. They themselves don't define me, but they are there. Some of these puzzle pieces can be changed like a dual sided puzzle. Black , white,off, on they are there but not necessarily concrete.

What I know to be true-

I know that my life is really just starting at 32. I know that while I debate some big issues in my life there is still time. I bet on love and lost but I won't let that deter me from continuing to look for it. I will not settle for less than I am worth. Being lonely is different from being alone.

I have also come to some conclusions about my life. I know that I want a family of my own. I know that families come in different ways. Maybe it will be a long term relationship, maybe marriage. Maybe natural children, maybe step children or adopted children but nonetheless I want a family. I want to finish my degree and have a worthwhile career where I help people and make a difference And most of all I want to be Happy.

So here is to the road I have taken to collect my puzzle pieces.... I can't wait to see the finished project.

Love... Is it really for suckers?

I spend a lot of time wondering if I was ever truly loved in my marriage. I question the entirety of the relationship seeing as how it was so easily disposed of.

At this point, these questions are neither here nor there.

I recently met someone who I think is special. We spoke via the Internet, Text Messages and Phone for quite a while before we actually met in person. He is a wonderful man, and without going into much detail on account of his being a person who preserves his privacy, I will tell you that he, like many of us, have been burned by prior relationships. He once said Love is for Suckers. Tonight I wonder if that is true.

This is me wondering if I put to much stock in the idea of Love. I wonder if I am able to be loved, worthy of it, if there is someone out there who could love me. I am far from perfect, I have my own set of issues ranging from my insecurity that I will be left (because its a recurring theme in my life), If I am attractive enough, if someone will see past the fact that I am a larger, curvier girl. I wonder if I am asking and expecting too much from another person. I know that I should be able to be enough for myself but I want more. I want to love and be loved, I want to be romanced and woo'ed. I want to feel that there is someone else in this world that I matter to.

I want someone to make plans to be with me, value time with me, find things about me that are irresistible (like my laugh). I want to know that I am a single rose in the valley of ferns. I want to know that there is the possibility of something, I want time to explore. Unfortunately all of this comes with the possibility of finding love, finding that you aren't the one and the euphoria of feeling alive and the pain of rejection.

I think that I am a sucker... so bring it on.

Catch up time

Recently many things have happened that have not made it into the blog despite repeated requests from friends who witnessed said events.

First I would like to thank my friend D~ She made time to see me during her world tour and even tried to find me a boyfriend during lunch. She proudly announced to the server about my divorce and asked him if he knew of any single men he could throw my way. I was offered a 17 year old boy and while the thought of going to jail is one event I haven't yet been on, I declined the offer and made sure she left him a large tip for tormenting him.

The dating has slowed way down - not for lack of offers.... I have a NIgerian who would like me to bring himn to this country, a gaggle of Canadians, a flock of men in their 50's and 60's, a paael of men who make inappropriate remarks from the beginning on what the chances are of a sexual encounter on the first date (and declinations on the sex part don't get a second date)

On the seemingly normal guys I talk to, I have a super power..... I talk to them and then they disappear POOF. However, that being said I recently met a very nice guy. What I mean is he is genuine, adorable, funny, smart and the best part .... he seems to like me for me. Now before you faint from the sheer knowledge that a man like this actually exists, please know that I am not scaring this one off. Obviously its new so we will only have to wait to see where this goes, but in the mean time I am enjoying the gentle woo'ing that is coming my direction.

After the last nine months, I have had to take a step back and evaluate my life. The man I married and thought would be with me forever turned out to be a mirage, the child I was raising turned out to under mine a marriage and decimate a relationship of adults, I lost my job with an organization I truly believed in the mission - all in the name of budget cuts and I had to realize, even on my bad days, I am stronger now than I was 9 months ago.

Saturday night when I was at church and Susan said to me - wow you are looking good these days. I realized, I have lost some weight, cut the hair, added the highlights and even when I am down, I can boop around and make others laugh. I made it through the seventh circle of hell.... and I did it all with a little help from my friends.

Another night of aimless ramblings and I will blame it on the sudafed... but you have seena snapshot into what I have been thinking in the last several months. In the time it would have taken to incubate a small human, I have been reborn into a new me... so take a look at me and take your best shot, I only come back for more :)

What's the Deal?

What's the Deal? Everyday I wake up and I am a slave to my emotions. Some days I am top of the world and I sail through the day without any problems. Other days, like today, I feel so low, I feel worthless and I feel imprisoned by these thoughts and emotions. I realize that my friends tell me that I am not at a point in my life where I should be focusing on a relationship of any kind, and I should be focusing on me. I can see their point, but at the same time I have spent so much of my adult life with men who couldn't or wouldn't put me first, it is something that I deeply desire. I want a man who thinks of me as his everything, a man who wants me to be happy, a man that can be happy with me and a man who can see a future for us. I know he is out there somewhere and that everything In have been through in my life has prepared me for what is to come, but why does everything in life have to be a culmination of pain. I know we grow from our experiences and we become who we are because of those experiences and sometimes we are even viewed as damaged because of them, but is it really supposed to be so damn hard?

I want to find someone who realizes how special I am and is willing to work to be with me because they can see my charisma...but then again what do I know?

Here I Go Again.....

When will I ever learn? I really can't go into anymore detail than that at this particular moment because I don't feel like crying. I am just beating myself up because I never learn. I get comfortable with what I have going on and when I allow myself to do/feel/experience something other than the typical routine I end up paying dearly for it. I just can't accept the fact that my life is meant to be monotonous and alone yet why is it when I allow myself to dream of more, those dreams are shattered nearly as quickly as they begin to unfold. This is why I am unable to truely trust other people. I have been burned one to many times as far as that goes and I am tired of being let down by others. I know that 'they' always say that the only person in life that you can count on is yourself, but is that the way it should be? Shouldn't there be other people that you can rely on and count on to be there when you want them there AND when you need them to be there? Am I really that oblivious that I can't grasp this concept? Or is it that I am only oblivious to dealing with men, in general? Maybe I need to learn to live only in the moment and that longevity doesn't exist anymore. Who knows, I guess I will find out the more I dance through life and learn from the everyday.

Spark

There is this mythical creature called Spark. I have seen it, I have felt it and now I long to find it once more.

What is Spark? Is it instantaneous, does it develop through a series of events, does it hide until you prove yourself worthy of it?

Can Spark happen when you are still damaged, does it wait until it feels you are healed, or until you have proven yourself worthy of its return?

Is Spark physical, emotional or intellectual... a combination?

Is Spark the same from relationship to relationship, does it morph, does it wax and wane. How do we recognize it is it is always changing.

Is it when we laugh, when we experience another strong emotion, it is electrifying?

Spark - I am looking for you, waiting for you and hoping I will recognize you when you surface.

Through the fire

As most of you know, the past few months have brought hellfire and brimstone into my life. Today after another full day of moving, and an emotionally turbulent day, I sat down to reflect on what is going on. I realized that I have walked through the valley of fire. It not only nipped at my feet, but at times tried to consume my mind, heart and soul. The past few days I have been packing up my life to move into my new place to start the newest chapter in my life. Emotions that I thought had been long been put to bed reared their ugly head and turned the new zen me into a monster of raw emotions. It felt like the scab that had healed into place had been ripped off, fresh and new. All I can say is that it sucked. Here I am packing "my" belongings and coming across momentos of our wedding, the honeymoon that was never planned, things from our daily life together, all the happy times before the darkness came. I saw friends of mine who are couples holding hands and it made me think back to when HE wanted to hold my hand, when he wanted to be with me, when I was important to him, when he loved me and meant forever. The emotions and memories came flooding back to me.



I sat here and thought of two country songs that explain the feelings that are going on within me. The first is Ring of Fire by Johnny Cash.

"Love is a burning thing and it makes a firery ring bound by wild desireI fell in to a ring of fire...I fell in to a burning ring of fireI went down,down,downand the flames went higher.And it burns,burns,burns the ring of firethe ring of fire...."

So we know that I fell, and fell hard and I got burned... the unfortunate part about this is even though I am jaded, it is inevitable that I will allow myself to fall in love again when I am done bleeding over this one.

The second is Standing Outside the Fire by Garth Brooks.

"We call them cool Those hearts that have no scars to show The ones that never do let go And risk it the tables being turned
We call them fools Who have to dance within the flame Who chance the sorrow and the shame That always come with getting burned
But you got to be tough when consumed by desire 'Cause it's not enough just to stand outside the fire
We call them strong Those who can face this world alone Who seem to get by on their own Those who will never take the fall
We call them weak Who are unable to resist The slightest chance love might exist And for that forsake it all
They're so hell bent on giving, walking a wire Convinced it's not living if you stand outside the fire
Standing outside the fire Standing outside the fire Life is not tried it is merely survived If you're standing outside the fire There's this love that is burning Deep in my soul Constantly yearning to get out of control Wanting to fly higher and higher I can't abide standing outside the fire"

Here he sings about the different types of people in life and how they face love and the consequences of their decisions around love. We know that I am the one that jumps in because I take the chance, I bet on love to win out. According to this song I am weak and a fool but I think I am stronger than most because I keep thinking that I will find that person that I am meant to be with. I take the chance which is more than most people can say, this means that the percentages are not in my favor.. the more you try, the more you might get hurt.. but TRUE LOVE IS WORTH THE RISK.

Now I just need to keep reminding myself of that. Remind myself that I don't need to settle and that in the end, love will win out.

Come on Cupid.... give me your best shot.

If I can do it in heels, You can do anything....

So today I picked up the keys for my new apartment. It "piggy backs" if you will on the apartment complex where my dear friend K lives. In the spirit of my new found will to exercise and make healthier choices, we left her apartment and trapse through the woods in search of my new home. After running the length of a fence, clomping down the driveway area of my new complex and across the grassy knoll we arrive. I show her around, we discuss furniture placment etc and leave to get back to her apartment before sun down. We take a different more promising route that leads to the area where Christmas trees have been given their last rites. We continue to try to find a path to her place when I find that special tree branch that will forever be my friend.... OK so basically in heels you shouldn't try to hike and traverse over underbrush and fallen trees.... but we did it and I caught my goods on a tree branch. It is unfortunate that that is the most frisky anything has been with me in several months and even I got angry at it for thinking I was easy.... boy do I need a life.....

Anyways if I, the least grafeful person on the earth, can accomplish something in heels than anyone can do anything... I PROMISE

I Dream ....

I Dream of a time when men and women can have an honest conversation, say what they mean and mean what they say.

I Dream of a time when I am comfortable enough in my own skin to not care what a man thinks of me and that I can draw a line in the sand for respect and dignity instead of feeling like I need to pursue a man that obviously loves the game more than me.

I Dream of a time when a man will show me honesty, respect and love and I will be able to accept it without looking for ulterior motives.

I Dream of a time when I will live my life without the thought that my life is somehow missing something

I Dream of a time when I wake in the morning and I am happy to just be... be me, be alive, be greatful for what I have instead of being chased by the tentacles of depression and always wanting for a more fulfilling life.

I Dream of a time when I am not a prisoner of my past memories and they don't chase me into the night in forms of nightmares. I know I need to let go so that I can move on.

I Dream of a time when I don't feel that I am looking for approval from everyone in my life and I can live my life without being under a microscope.

I Dream of a time where my life is as good as the best dream you can think of.

The Dictionary of Men

Here I am again, trying to understand what a man means when he says something to a women. I grew up with two older brothers who definitely did what they said they were going to. This means that I have a great expectation of the men I date to adhere to the same type of standards.
I know that there is no general dictionary for men because each one is different. For weeks now I have found comfort in the line "he's just not that into you" but I am finding out that a guy can be into you and still have trouble showing you because he has been burned in the past. I know that a guy can tell you he likes you and because you aren't ready to move at the speed of light in the direction of a relationship he looks elsewhere. For me this means that there are men out there that are just as confused as us women and are unable to properly express themselves or behave in a manner in which we question their motives.
This is why relationships don't last. People have come to believe that everything in society is disposable. We move in and out of relationships at the first sign that something is wrong, we are unable to put forth the proper effort to fight for what we want, we just allow the relationship to slip through our fingers in search of the greener side of things.
WHat is wrong with putting forth a little fight for what you believe in?
I am willing to fight for what I want, what I beleive and what I know will make me happy.

How many of you can say the same things?