The art of avoidance.

There is something to be said for avoiding conflict or anything that you feel may lead to a conflict. Some examples are:
~If your parents are calling and you have nothing you want to share, don't pick up the phone,
~If you don't want to talk to a member of the opposite sex for whatever reason, pretend you have fallen off the edge of the planet (because we TOTALLY believe that) and then we will automatically know to disregard any interactions we have ever had with you,
~If you don't want to pay your bills, stick your head in the sand or run away,
~If you have co workers or friends that drive you crazy, pretend they don't exist or are toally insane
anyways you get the point.... there is not enough mystery in life without playing these fabulous games with the people we interact with.

This is partially because we are socially retarded due to the rise of technology - after all you call, send a text or email... we can pretend we didn't get it and have no idea you were trying to contact us and the other is because we as a society have lost the ability to be forthright and accept repsonsilbility to engage or disengage from another human being.

As for me, I will continue to address things as head on as I can( I mean can men make that hard)

Go on with your bad self !!!

When is enough enough?

Recently I have been through the wringer of life. My husband left me and filed for divorce, my job downsized me and generally, every man I meet wants something from me, whether they realize it or not. I have spoken to men and developed "relationships" based on email exchange and phone conversation and then they mysteriously disappear. I go through the process of getting to know them for them and all they want is a picture of me so that they can ridicule the way I look or just ignore me and disappear without a trace. Some even want just a physical encounter and quite frankly, even though I am a woman with needs, I know when to put my foot down. I have spent my life living in the shadows of my over achieving brothers and not amounting to much. I am never enough for anyone or I am too much for what they want. I know that now is the time for me to find out what makes me happy and live my life for me and no one else. The unfortunate part of this is currently I feel like a total failure and I can't see that there is a future to go to. It takes everything I am to get through each day. I decided that if I were to re work my personal ad it would read something like this.....


I am a strong woman... this means strong physically, mentally, emotionally and in will. I am a real woman with curves. If you are looking for a Barbie Doll, may I suggest the nearest aisle at the toy store or a boy since they are lithe, non curvy, no chested substitutes for a girl. If you are thinking of running a game, let me inform you first and foremost that I am smart and in most cases smarter than you. You will not win or "get away" with anything. If you are looking for a girl to play games with, get yourself a blowup doll or a lobotomized patient from the nearest mental institution. Don't write quirky pithy lines in hopes of catching my eye because when it comes down to it, I want a man who is willing to walk the walk instead of talking the talk. I want a real man. This means a man who can tell the truth even when it might hurt, a man who knows that I am a sum of my experiences and not damaged goods in spite of them, a man who knows how to be a real lover and friend, a man that provides the spark that is needed. Don't put on your profile that you are seeking a long term relationship and then make excuses why that can't be or happen.... It could be you just aren't that into me, or you believe that that line will garner you more feline satisfaction and is only a guise.

I have had more inappropriate things said to me, messaged to me and general bad manners on the behalf of the male species. If being gay was a choice, I would have run screaming for the other team by now, but in all my wise, witty and charming characteristics I still believe that somewhere out there is the one perfect man who is also wondering where I am. I am running low on faith and patience and I am sure he must be as well. This is also assuming that he exists and hasn't given up.

If you, the man reading this, have gotten this far here are my criteria : You must be white or at least white-ish. This means I do not want a black man, an asian man or a middle eastern man. This is not racist, these are MY preferences. I also want a man who is close in age. This means if you are old enough to be my father.... grow up and EWWW. I am not interested in a man who is too young as in barely legal. While I am sure you are a "stallion" in your own mind, I have grown weary of teaching men (aka boys) the ins and outs of pleasing a lady. I want a man who already has the basics down and doens;t need a continuous ego boost. I am coming into my sexual prime. This means that while there is always give and take, you had better be able to go the distance and not need to be coached along the way more often than not.

Now I can only assume that at this point I also need to state a few more obvious points. Do not send me a form email about how beautiful I am because I can smell it coming from a mile away.. this also means don't send me the same form email over the course of a few days.. MY memory is better than yours so see above ( I am smarter than you, etc) this means I know you are full of shit and I will not respond. Don't tell me that and hour drive is to far away for a meaningful relationship... I came 3000 miles across the country because of love and a meaningful relationship. All that does is show that you are not even remotley close to serious about finding a long term anything except for a provider of sex for your needs.

Men: speak what you mean and follow through if you are serious. There are too many women out there that act like idiots, spaz's, morons, stalkers etc because you are the masters at redirection and unclear signals. All this time you blame the women for not knowing better when in fact you are all a bunch of morons that are unable to be true to yourselves, or anyone else for that matter.

I am here to tell you, I fell for it. Recently I fell for a guy. I had no picture of this guy and the joke with my friends was that he could look like a mailbox for all I cared. I drove 2 hours to where he lived because I thought he was serious when he said I can't see you tonight, but tomorrow I can. AS you can probably already tell I did not see him and still didn't know what he looked like. We made a date to meet and he gave me a reason that he had to push it off and then he disappeared. A week later he resurfaced and I was dealing with all this crap over seeing Scott again. I asked for him to call me to tell me things would be okay. He promised he would, only after I sent him a photo. Photo after photo and he told me they were blurry and then he disappeared again. Basically, he finally got one that wasn't blurry and I was too fat for him to accept. By the way, I did get a photo and he was adorable..... too bad he didn't feel the same way.... I think we could have been good together.......

What is my point here? That even I, the smart chick with glasses, can be duped by a man, more than once even. What happens is the wall around my heart becomes more fortified with each deception and therefore harder for me to trust or accept anyone at face value. The good thing about being jaded is you know that you will never settle, unfortunatley the price will be that I may never find happiness.

When is enough, enough?
I'll let you know when I have figured it out... until then I am sure that I will continue to find out with each disappointing encounter I have.

And we're back

Okay, so I have been off of the blogosphere for many, many weeks at this point. Where do I begin? I have had requests for my views on the life of a newly single woman, my thoughts on movies, books and other odds and ends.
Let's jump in:

The Bachelor Jason Mesnick -

What a total D@#$chbag. Here we are believing hook line and sinker that he is a truly mazing and wonderful guy who is blah blah balh....I don't care what the hell he has been through, what happened last night was disgusting and sickening. I am not saying that the man needs to marry the girl he selects on a national television show because we thin his decision is binding, but if you decide you actually do not want to be with, marry the girl you selected - DON"T DUMP HER ON NATIONAL TV.... I mean good God you dumb ass. That was cruel and harsh. That made you look like a total heartless asshole. I never watch this type of show and now I know why. I am so starved for romance I watched this and hoped that a fairy tale would happen. This made me just sick... and then Molly being stupid enough to say.. thanks for letting me your second choice, sure I'll be with you now that you used the other girl. All of these people need to be taken out back and shot for being so stupid......

He's just not that into you -

I saw this movie and laughed my damn ass off. It didn't bash men necessarily, it showed many different men ( Thank God for Ben Afflecks character --- good men do exist) What I learned - if a man wants to be with you, he will make it happen... period end of story. IF is isn't that into you.. he doesn't give a rats ass so don't chase him, he doesn't want you, you really don't want him because he is an ass and you will only look psycho for chasing. The good men are out there. They unfortunately have been mistreated and are the shy guys who hold back instead of being the aggresive dirty asses who are only after one thing.. and yes I mean that one thing.

The dating world -

I have become members to several online websites. Let me tell you the amount of creeps that are out there. They begin a conversation with "got any pictures" and " wann f*&K" Really? is that what I have to look forward to because if so I am going to become a nun....
Ok I am not saying all the guys I have met are bad. I have met some confused (regarding their sexual orientation) some that "think" they are a pimp ( who hits on the waitress in front of you and then asks for sex) and those that ask you out for drinks you end up paying for.....

The good men are shy, sweet and committed to showing you that you are a lady. I know I am worth that kind of treatment and so now I will expect better treatment than I have received.

My soon to be ex -

One week and we have our property division settlement meeting. While I will always love the man I married, I will mourn him also because he ceased to exist the moment my stepson moved in with us. We soon will be legal to go our separate ways and I have already begun the steps to be me and free. I wish him no ill will and I know one day he will regret what has happened, but it will be too late and he will forever be plagued by it, while I will be moving on because that is what I need to do for myself. I am not the same woman I was, but some man is going to benefit because I am a strong, intelligent, witty, funny, sassy, amazing woman..... if I were a man I would want to be with me.

Well for now I think that is a bit to mull over.... I will post again later.....

Statistics of Divorce

They say that 50% of first, 75 % of second and 87% of third marriages will end in divorce.

That is a staggering rate that anyone bothers to calculate statistics after one. When you ( the collectiev you) get married, the vows state for better or worse, sickness and in health, good times and bad til DEATH DO YOU PART. This means that just because things gobadly from time to time that you should hire an attorney and try to decimate your once beloved in a courtroom proceeding.

Now I am not saying that a spouse who has suffered at the hans of an abuser should be in a lifelong marriage to someone who beats on them, but the majority of marriages end because one person has lost faith, has lost their way on morality or is just plain tired. In these cases, there is counseling available, marriage retreats etc to help restore the health to the marriage so that the vows that were once taken can remain in tact and both parties can be reminded of the foundation that thir marriage was founded on.

Personally I am at the point in my life where my marriage may or may not work out. There has been a lot of water under the bridge, But I am fighting to hold onto the bridge and not let it be blown to hell. I love my husband and I have admitted to my faults. I am not perfect, far from it really, and I am trying to make amends on a daily basis. When I married my husband, I was under the assumption (and you know what they say about assming) that it was a forever union.
As of yet, I haven't given up hope, faith and Love and the greatest of these is LOVE.

The Religous State of America

As you might be able to tell, I have been to church again this evening and as always I walk away pondering the message that I have heard.

Tonight I was brought again the idea about how our society continues to push religion out of everything. We want it out of our schools, our government and our daily lives because frankly most people can't be bothered with it and the implications of what it means to be a believer in God and in Jesus Christ. During all this time that people (and not just in America, but I am focusing here since it is home), God was tired of falling on deaf ears. He stepped back and said I'm not one to be where I am not wanted. Then we take a look at the state of our economy, our families, the divorce rate, the educational system..... the list goes on and on.

And is it any wonder? We have chased God from every aspect of our lives and yet when things go wrong we curse him for not giving us our way. We need to remember that it is not about our way, but about HIS. We need to invite him back into our everyday lives and embrace Him.

He is not far however, because when His children accept him and desire Him to be near, He is there for them. We begin one person at a time, one family at a time. It truly does show that one person can make a difference in the lives of many. After all, look at the amazing life of Jesus Christ and how he died for all of us to forgive our sins...............

P.S. The Pledge of Allegiance does say "One Nation Under GOD,...."

Priority or Option

I saw a bumper sticker on facebook that said "Don't make someone a priority when they make you an option". I thought it was referring to love relationships, but now after much reflecting I know it can refer to any relationship.

I have realized that my entire life can be summed up by saying that I am only an option to everyone that I have ever known. I am viewed as a strong woman who can take care of herself, therefore I never need to be anything but an option.

Why, just because I am strong, do I not qualify to be someone's priority?

Being Cranky, so sharing my rants.....

I am sufficiently cranky. It is almost Christmas and I am alone. I miss my husband so much that my insides actually hurt. I have proposed some options to my husband about our future and now I wait in hopes that he can see that we can have a future together and that very marriage has rough patches that need to be worked through. I believe that we can grow from this experience and become stronger together.

Now since I am cranky, I wanted to share a few other thoughts that have made me pretty crazy:

A good Samaritan stops to help a woman out of her car after an accident because he feared the car would catch fire before paramedics arrived. The driver is now a paraplegic because of the accident and blames the good Samaritan for the disability. A court actually cleared this for trial so that the paralyzed woman can sue the good Samaritan for taking her out of the car because this action MAY have caused the paralysis and did save her life from the car that was hanging off a ledge.

WTF people..... what the hell has the world come to that we find it okay to punish those that stop to help others because they actually care about the welfare and safety of another human being. This is why I really dislike people. Give them an inch and they will take a mile. This is also what is wrong with out society today. We find whatever reason to sue another person when they though they were trying to help and we end up taking them to court to run our own agenda and bend them over and shove it up their rear. This is the slippery slope that we find ourselves on when confronted with a moral dilemma to help someone or stay quiet while someone is victimized. We voluntarily step into another person's life in an attempt to help, we become the scapegoat for altering the future they were riding along on the coattails of....

Where does this stop?

Onto the next:

Illinois - really people were you really this blind to see what your governor was doing with his power? At least you can join the recent list of state governors whose time in office was marred by their incompetence and the inability to do right for their constituenta and they did for themselves. Whether you are a gay governor harassing staff or a governor who pays for call girls while he claims to be cleaning up the streets or the governor who actions off job positions and lobbies for better kick backs, we can definitely find a reason to laugh while our economy falls into the toilet.

OPEC nations are bullies and terrorists-

Why do I say this? This week on the news we saw that the OPEC nations met and they announced that they are cutting production of oil because barrels of oil have become priced too low for them to be able to balance their budget. What does this mean for us? Gas prices are about to begin that climb upwards. It was fun while it lasted.....

Western Washington and the lack of snow equipment -

Dumbasses - here's a news flash: global warming does not mean that everywhere gets warm. This is my fourth December here in Western Washington. The first year there was a dusting of snow. The second year, there was snow, ice and wind that caused the loss of power. Last year more snow and slippery conditions and the grand finale - this year we are having the worst snow storm since 1996. Now that may not seem like a big thing especially for a girl raised in New England with the great Nor'easter but there is a huge difference between New England and here. There hey have SNOW PLOWS AND SANDERS AND DE-ICERS! You dumb m - f'-ers the last three years have gotten worse incrementally and you stupid a-holes would rather spend money on what??? than provide safe roads for people to function. I have not been to work since Wednesday because the roads are snow on top of ice on top of snow on top of ice.

I feel like I have traveled back in time by living out here. I am on my way to becoming a back woods hick as we speak - that means I will use a shotgun on my car's wheels to loosen lug nuts and become a drunk and disorderly while throwing my dog at police officers and driving up to the local bank teller and accidentally depositing an envelope of meth.... That people, are real stories that have happened out here.. you can't make up that kind of redneck shit.

I am sure there are more things but I need to get some sleep or something - on the off chance tomorrow brings work.... or on a miracle - a snow plow!

"In these tough economic times"

You read the title, so I am not going to say it again. Tonight I was half listening to the news as I was working on my homework and there seemed to be this overwhelming sense of being underwhelmed by the positive information in the news. Every fifteen minutes I hear "In these tough economic times". Really? We need to be reminded as we watch the depressing news that our country, and the world, are in a financial shithole.

I guess the only upside to this is that the whole world is f-ed so its not just us going to hell in a handbasket. We'll have company as we slide down the drain into a third world country.

Enjoy your clean running water, electricity and heat while it lasts.

Ding Dong, It's Avon Calling

No, I haven't taken up to selling Avon, the title does have a point though.

Back in the day, if someone rang your doorbell, it was the avon lady or even the girl scouts with their cookies. Nowadays I have been peddled everything from a carpet shampoo to religion and yes even the process server ( whom left as I was screaming at him "How do you think I can have a GOOD weekend")

I live in the land of no sun between October and April to when I say its dark at 4pm, it really is. Last night someone knocked on my door at 5:13pm. It is pitch black and I don't have my front porch light on ( I live in a little subdivision) I could hear the people outside, and Bayley barked feverishly at them (who knew a beagle could be so ferocious?), but there was no way on God's green earth I was opening that door. You want me to throw open my door when its dark out and I am not expecting you?

I am not the typical person - I would rather have an axe murderer than a magazine sales person who is waging a contest to go to some great foreign land and their success depends on you selecting one of their many magazines- be at my door.

I did however come up with a clever idea last evening, later anyways... next time I will just bellow " Hang on a minute, I'm getting my shotgun" That should not only take care of the problem, it will qualify me as the young crazy woman on the block. This is easier than amassing a large amount of cats.

This season = Nausea

I know that this season is meant to be one of good cheer and goodwill. In my crrent situation I want to change Merry Christmas for Merry F-mas and the music makes me ill.

I know the economy sucks and its the orse recession since 1947 but damn it people, most of you still have your family to be thankful for and be with.

There is nothing that money can currently buy me that I would want. All I want is my family back. That means I want my husband and step son to come home. I see advertisements for the Seattle argosy Christmas cruise and I think it is something I would like to do... only if I can share it with them. I want to put up a Christmas tree ... but only with them. Do you see the pattern yet?

I sit here a prisoner of the season. I can't handle the television commercials that are based on the holiday, I can't go into the stores because the holiday music grips me in panic and forces e to run in a cold sweat from their buildings. Next week is the work Christmas party. I am trying to think of a viable excuse not to go. We are a small non profit and I like everyone I work with . most of the time hah! However, they will all be there with their spouses and I honestly don't think I can handle that. I don't want to celebrate anything and I certainly don't need a parade of happy couples in front of me.

If I thought I couldn't stop crying before, but moving into this holiday season has made the pain unbearable. I feel the weight of my emotions crushing me and the pain from missing my Shafer men is piercing my hear and soul.

I am tired of not being worthy enough to keep the people in my life that are important to me. My dad deserted my familyat this time of year and now my husband and stepson have abandoned me too. There is so much in my life that is unfair and yet it keeps coming without apology. I wish there was an end in sight.