Trapped by Feelings

Recently there has been a recurring theme to my life.... one of loss and rejection. I lost the marriage that I thought would last forever. I lost the step son that I believed that I was in his life to make his life better, I lost the job that I believed in and thought I was making a difference. I have been rejected by men, by jobs and by people whom I considered friends. I have had to deal with the fact that I am never going to have relationships with some family members that I grew thinking that time would heal.
I am looking for work, looking for a purpose to my life, looking for something to believe in. Each rejection, whether it be family, friends, members of the opposite sex or potential jobs that don't want me, I feel myself losing a piece of my spirit. I know that a lot of what I am going through is that this is a stormy season for a lot of people and isn't something to be taken personally, but how do you not take things personally when it is you they are saying no to?
Every rejection gives me that feeling that it is ME that is not worthy, not wanted and not special enough. How do I overcome these feelings of inadequacy and restore myself to the person I am suppossed to be? I feel trapped and I am hating the fact that I feel weak and that I have let this self doubt creep in and muddy the waters of my life.

News in Review 08-25-09

Here are some musing over the past weeks news events :

Michael Jackson: Murdered - His doctor gave him pill after pill until he gave him a "diluted" dose of propofol. Now while I am not a Doctor, I would not have kept giving him narcotics end over end... what did this dink think would happen with all this shit mixing in his system? Pull his license and put him where all dumbasses go - To Jail

Lockerbie Terrorist Released on Compassionate Grounds - WTF people... He had no compassion for the people he blew up, why should we care that he is terminal? Let him rot in jail until the time that Karma sends him straight to hell. No, he was released and sent home to Libya where he is considered a national hero.... Way to go Scotland.. you might as well post a sign that says we heat terrorists.

President Obama on Vacation- so this means the email I sent him last week won't be answered until he goes back to work. However there are people who are pissed that he is taking a week off after eight months of work. Granted most people have to wait a year before their job gives them time off, but considering the immense mountain of shit he walked into office to deal with cut the man some slack. Give him a week with his family before they go back to work and school because you know everything he deals with on a daily basis requires patience and skill to deal with. I would love to see one of these critics run this country for a week withou shedding a few tears.

Crypt near Marilyn Monroe auctioned off on ebay - Really ... this is the most fascinating newsworthy story of the day? This is just weird.

Murdered Model - Manhunt ensues for ex husband of model. Then he takes his own life. Case solved and no trial.

Swine Flu precautions being out in place as schools go back in session - People... its the FLU.... cover your mouth, wash your hands etc its called good hygiene.....

I realized while typing this that this has been one of my most boring blogs ever... probably won't do this again :)

Roll Call

I am just curious how many people actually read my blog. If you are religious with keeping tabs on me, or just an occasional lurker,now is the time to just send up a smoke signal so I know who my reading audience is....

Greatly Appreciated and I look forward to giving you more reading for your stalkerish pleasure :)

Here a Blog, There a Blog

So the last few days have been interesting to say the least.

I finally sucked up my pride, or what little I actually have left these days, and filed with DSHS for financial assistance. I had to go to Bremerton (EWWW) and have an in person interview. Their paperwork states to bring all paperwork relating to expenditures. I go, armed with oodles of paper trail that proves who I am and that I am in fact a living breathing person. I walk into this building to see the masses of people who work the system and I am pretty sure I am the only one who bathed recently,not to mention today in general. I start to well up with tears because I know I do not belong in this place, but if help is here, here is where I must come.
I meet with my caseworker and find out that my $808.oo a month take home of unemployment disqualifies me from cash assistance or medical (aka Medicaid) She then says that if I were to get pregnant I could qualify for more assistance. REALLY? They actually advocate for that? I stated to here that I didn't see that as a viable option to bring a child into this world. Call me old fashioned, but I believe that a child should be conceived out of love between two people, by people who want a child and who can afford or have some sort of game plan for that child's future. Don't get me wrong, I am not discounting ever having my own children, but damn at least I am fully aware that this is not the right time or the right way to go about it.
Anyways, by this point, all pride being gone I am in full on cry mode. In the past when crying was present my ex would say "Are you fixin to start?" to which my reply would be "To beat you, YES". In reality I am sure that is a good point when it comes to being overly emotional since I am known for being embarrassed at crying when I think I should be able to control it and even to the point of being pissed at myself. On this day there would be no restraint at crying in front of a stranger and I told her the system sucked. Her reply? I told you how to make the system work for you otherwise write the president (which upon getting home I did in fact send an email to President Obama .... I expect a response this week LOL)
So anyways no pride or self respect I left the office with a handy dandy EBT card filled with my $86 monthly allotment for food. I just CAN'T WAIT to start brandishing it at the local market to show people just how poor I currently am.

Let's see what's next... Oh Yeah

Was referred by the local Worksource office (WA place that helps you find a job) for a position at a local United Way Organization. While I won't divulge the name of the particular organization, let's just say that my Bachelors was a perfect fit. Worksource was given the task of prescreening a certain number of applicants (21) and then the interviewing was to begin. I even checked in with my caseworker at Worksource to find out what was going on. So I waited and waited and waited and yup.. yesterday got a rejection letter without even getting an interview.... WHAT? How the hell is it even helpful to have Worksource prescreen for yo if you aren't going to meet with all of the potential candidates before making a decision?

At this point I am nearing the 300+ mark on the number of applications and resumes that are out there circulating. I am feeling like a failure. I even applied at Walmart and couldn't get hired, even with my mom working for the company in a store 3000 miles away.... WTF man.

They tell you even at the Worksource office that getting a job is all about who you know and in most cases it is. Case in point, I originally applied for a position at the DRC when my friend Andrea worked there.. she told me about the job. I didn't get it but Kim did. Later on I met Kim and when I was losing a job to to a family situation, it just so happens the DRC was looking for another position which I got. Here is to hoping that knowing Amy will get me the fantabulous job she told me about because the money is bitchin'. If I don't get this job it just further cements the fact that I need to move away from this area, but to where still remains to be seen. I know people back east want me to come that way, but I am not sure that is where I am supposed to go. I guess it just means that I have some more conversating to do with God before I know my true purpose. I do know that I have one true hearts desire, but I am trying to hold myself back so that I don't hurt myself in the process.

Well now that is nearly 3 am, I am going to try to finally get some shut eye..... right after I spell check this and get a snack since my belly is roaring. (Disclaimer: And yes there are some words intentionally spelled different and even a made up word.. totally on purpose)

Night Peeps.....

Smitten Kitten

Have you ever been totally smitten with something or someone?

Yesterday I was in Bellevue , WA for the first time since moving here nearly four years ago. After being lost for a bit, I made it to my appointment which turned out to be a huge disappointment ( That is for a different Post) While re-orienting myself I ended up in the beaautiful, downtown area that was sleek and posh looking. TOtally normal businesses glammed up in this ritzy area. I decided to go to none otehr than the Cheesecake Factory for a late lunch/early dinner. Everyone I came into contact with was extremely pleasant.. well except one (who also will be in that other post to come mentioned above).
I almost could fit in there. I say almost because every other car that drove by me was an elite high end machine with one of THOSE emblems on it ... you know what I am talking about...LOL.

As I was returning to the parking garage where my car was parked ( can you say parking that is Gratis? Imagine that for Providence Place my New England Peeps) I saw a Hoopdy drive by and then I knew it was ok... I started recognizing the working class vehicles that were also in Bellevue and I thought, I could live here, work here and Play here......

It also seems to be a very Christian Commnunity. Lots of Faith Based Churches and stores, nice people, nice to look at.

Anyways, these days it is not the only thing I am a Smitten Kitten over, but the other thing ... a person I would have to kill you if I told you about it. I just hope he knows and realizes he is a lucky man....

Why Don't I Ever Learn?

I think the title is pretty self explanatory....

I set myself up to be a punk and I pretend things will go the way they unfold in my mind.

That is something they used to institunionalize people.. luckily I realize the difference between my dreams and reality.... that is apparently one for the plus column.

This is not directed at any one particular part of my life, it just seems everyday I do something that in hindsight was a dumb ass thing to do... and I KNOW I am way smarter than I act sometimes :)

Milwaukee Mayor "Ain't No Cream Puff"

This is a story of true heroism and an example of how a person in a position of power leads by example.

The Mayor of Milwaukee was assaulted while leaving the Wisconsin State fair. The Mayor and his family heard a woman who was in distress. It turned out she was being accosted by her daughters ex boyfriend who was intoxicated. Upon seeing the Mayor and his family he charged at them with a metal baton in his hand. The Mayor struggled with the dangerous man until the police sirens could be heard and then the suspect ran away, later to be caught.

The Mayor suffered lacerations to his head and face and a broken hand which may never fully recover from the trauma.

While it is never suggested that anyone enter into an altercation with another person,especially one under the influence of drugs or alcohol, the Mayor made the right judgement call in calling 911 before approaching the situation and once the suspect had turned his attention to the Mayor, the Mayor was protecting the woman, her grandchild and his own family.

The point I am trying to make here, and am doing a poor job at it, but when you see a fellow person in trouble don't do nothing, do something. Call 911, try to get the person in danger to safety.

I had an opportunity to do such a thing several years ago back in Connecticut. I was driving through Greenville (and any of my CT peeps know how seedy that area is) and a guy was punching a women in her face at the gas station. Men, BIG men were standing there watching this atrocity go on. I made a u turn and went back honking my horn and I drove right up to the guy. I got out and could hear the sirens coming and I was screaming at him to let her go. He was so confused fromm all the noise he was easliy apprehended when the cops arrived.

I will be the first to admit when I was younger I definately did not think before acting and had the cops not been hot on their way I probably would have jumped the guy. After all I was taking karate. However too many people these days do nothing... nothing at all when another person is in trouble. We can make a difference in just one life and it will pay itself forward.

Mahatma Ghandi once said "Be the change you want to see in the world" I often hope I am doing enough to leave my mark. In this case, Mayor Tom Barrett made that difference to one woman and her grandchild.

His town made up t-shirts to show their pride in their mayor. The slogan simply reads "Our mayor ain't no cream puff"

Here's a heartfelt thank you to this mayor for making a differnce and setting the tone for people to help one another.

Good JOB!

South African teen wins 800 amid gender-test flap>>>>> WTF?

OK so the news gets more bizarre every single day.

While I am creative, even I can't make this shit up.

So this South African runner bursts onto the scene and obliterates world standings. She is towering in height, deep voice and built like an ox. As with anything in life there are skeptics. How does an unknown teenager come from no where to clinch titles in her sport ?

Well, she must be a man.

Huh?

There are girls who have height, strength and without secretly being a man.

This girl (yup I said GIRL) has to undergo testing with a shrink, an ob-gyn, genetic testing, endocrinologist etc. So after the ob-gyn doctor there were still questions?

If I were to join the skeptics I would go to still think girl, I would just say performance enhancing drugs.... I wouldn't got he man route....

My only other question would revolve around the Adam's apple..... is it plainly visible?

I hope that this girl gets cleared soon. Although I would also get a kick out of watching her compete against the men and kick their asses ..... it would serve the sport officials right for creating a mockery out of the sport and taking away from the talent of this girl.

(I reserve the right to change my mind about the above should the tests show she is really a he. After all I am a woman (and yes I am sure) and its my prerogative to change my mind)

BYOB

Bring Your Own.... BAGS???

Yes folks we know when we go shopping at the grocery store we will buy products that will need to be carted home for consumption.

The burden of providing that method of carting has always been on the stores. We have been at their mercy when we want paper and they only have plastic or vice versa.

Then the environmentalists cried about the impact of bags on the environment. So those of us that can be guilted were into reusable shopping bags.

When we bring them into the store, some give you a credit of .03 a bag for reusing bags.

That in itself is kinda cool but then on the news you hear that they are proposing a .20 cent per bag tax over in Seattle for each bag you take from them... so if I bring in 7 bags but need to take one plastic bag, I have negated the whole bring in bag credit.

Punish people because they need to carry their groceries home. The reusable bags rage from .99 to 1.99 ( some places more) they get you coming and going.

This is almost as bad at the taxes levied on women for their feminine products. They tax you on something you have very little control over..... But that's a rant for another time. Stupid people

Play it Again .... Brett?

Okay so I know the world has a love afair with Brett Farve.. but really?

Play, Retire, Play, Retire, Play.....

The news coverage alone is nauseating.

Do we not realize blatant narcissistic behavior when we see it?

He retires to hear the "please don't, please stay" and to drive up contract prices. He likes to play, likes to be wanted and loves the money.

I find it hard to be moved by a man who is suffering from the passage of time (the grey is a giveaway) and the fact that he has admitted his body is not getting any younger.

When the team you played for your entire career no longer wants you, that should be the sign it's time to go.

Brett - do us and yourself a favor and retire, FOR REAL, before you end up injured and no good to your family.

Trust

Trust is a huge word in today's environment. I learned at an early age that trust was something that was often broken in relationships. I watched my parents marriage fall apart and one of my brothers date three girls at the same time. As I got older I became jaded and cynical that relationships were something that ever worked out for anyone. I accepted the fact that trust was going to be broken and lived with that as a rule rather than an exception.

That should never have been my position. I also just assumed that trust was something to be earned. While this is something that each person is different about, as a 30 something woman, I have been trying to put the trust out there and then wait for someone to show they don't deserve my trust. The only problem with this is that I have anxiety about this entire situation. I am afraid that I am going to trust and get hurt and I will have no one to blame but myself.

Here's hoping that my trust is never misplaced again and that I can learn to relax about trusting people.....

Perception : Yours is not the same as mine

When you are blogging or in essence telling your truth there comes a time when perception is everything. The perception that I have on a situation is going to be different from the one you have of the same events. Neither one is right or wrong necessarily, just different.

Why do I feel the need to point this out? Not so long ago it was brought to my attention that something I wrote from my perception on asituation offended someone in my life. That was never my intention. However,I shouldn't feel stiffled from blogging about my life events for fear that my perception of life events will hurt others because when I look back, the emotions I have surrounding these events is very real to me.

I hope this clears the air. I am not trying to hurt anyone, only set myself free from memories of the past that were either unfortunate or hurtful.

Waiting for my life to begin

Have you ever had that feeling that you are waiting for your life to begin?

I Do.... every. single. day.

OK so for the most part, when I think back, my life has been..... eventful

With everything that has happened recently I think my life ahs become kind of boring... compared to the life of a circus performer LOL.

Really - I sit here with so many thoughts racing through my head. I am wondering what the future will bring to me. I have no job, no place that I feel I can call my own and no sense of where my life is going in general.

Everyday is an exercise in patience. I hope and pray everyday to hear the whisper of God letting me know which path to take. I only hope I can hear him when the word comes down and I will have the courage, strength and perserverence to do what I need to when the time comes.

Times like this it is hard to be alone ( in the relative sense) After all I am the only one who has to live with me day in and day out.... :) Good thing I like me

Life according to a pencil

I went to a class the other day at the worksource office. In front of every computer was a brand new number two pencil, freshly sharpened and awaiting our use.

Yes I know that just opening like that makes me sound weird but stay with me here.

In the movie "You've Got Mail" there is an email exchange between Shopgirl and NY152 (I think that was his screenname). It was fall and the start of school was upon them. He mentioned sending her a bouquet of freshly sharpened pencils.... Mmmm the smell of pencil shavings.

OK so here you have a stick of wood, with an inner core of graphite. You start by sharpening a tip on the pencil and it is full of potnetial and possibilities. Its eraser fresh and ready.

Everyday you are using the tip of that pencil to communicate thoughts, dreams, equations of things that need to be handled. A mistake? your handy dandy eraser to the rescue - almost as if the mistake never happened. Tip run out of sharpness, shave it down and re sharpen it for more tasks... keep everything on a roll. The pencil is full of hope for the future.

However, in life just like people .. eventually you end up with baldness on top and shorter that you were in your hay day. You are short, stubby, eraserless and out of time.....

Use your pencil wisely :)

Tired of....

I am tired of being tired.

I am tired of not being able to sleep.

I am tired of being sick.

I am tired of not knowing where I stand with people.

I am tired of not having a job.

I am tired of not knowing where my life is headed.

I am tired of being depressed.

I am tired of being a slave to my emotions.

I am tired of the thoughts that race through my head.

I am tired ... just tired.

The Sport of Dating

Ding Ding

Sounds like the opening bell at a boxing match right? Wrong.

Men and Women are two completely different species. Everything from our body design to our communication styles. This often leads to sparring and irritation. Where is the referee when you need one?

Women (generally speaking) are taught from an early age that men tease you if they like you, that if they ignore you, they REALLY like you and that if they say they will call you, they will call you on their time table or not at all.

WHAT?

How does any of that make any sense. It is much easier to say what you mean, mean what you say and don't be afraid of a little feeling - we have feelings over everything.

Case in Point - I LOVE black raspberry ice cream and cannoli's.... down right infatuated
I HATE fish - the texture, the smell ICK
I HATE artificial sweeteners because they make me sick
I LOVE laughing
I LOVE dancing when no one watches and singing loud
I HATE being hurt

etc, etc etc

We have feelings about everything we do good, bad or indifferent.

Except when it comes to matters of the heart, soul and opposite sex, we confuse the signals. Up is down, right is left and yes is no.

In the last few months, I have had the privilege to meet a wonderful man. The confusing part is where we stand now. Men don't like to talk about feelings... real or implied. I know some of his history and he of mine. The details are just that, details and not for me to share here. What I can say is he is a man who had a women in his life. A women he cared for, trusted and shared his life with. She betrayed him, his trust and his feelings. It happens a lot in life to a lot of different people. We place ourselves completely in anothers care and they mishandle us.

I am currently on the path trying to prove myself to this man. To show I am worthy of being opened up to, being trusted, being worthy.

Is this really what I should be doing? Shouldn't I know I am worthy and let him either figure it out or lose me?

All I need to know is where we stand. Am I someone to get serious with or just someone to pass idle time with? How do I get him to talk to me about it instead of shrugging off as not wanting to talk about feelings? Why can't men and women just talk to each other without wondering if there are ulterior motives?

What do I do? I pose this question knowing that there is not just one answer. A friend earlier wrote " The beautiful thing is there are seven billion of us, like stars, each one unique, interesting and strange in their own way" (Thanks Machelle) This means that because of our unique natures and experiences none of us are going to be able to share the same history and outcomes of others fully. We simply need to learn how to communicate better, learn that the next person that comes along in our life won't be the same as the one that came before. We all have our own faults and impact every person we cross paths with.

Here is to hoping I learn the language of men before I make a complete ass of myself along the way.

(Here is to K. I hope you realize I am everything I put forth and more)

Prisoner of Memories

Memories.

We make them everyday, every moment. Good ones and bad ones. Ones that make us feel like soaring like and eagle and those that make us feel like soaring off a bridge.

I am consumed by my memories.

I suffer from Insomnia. According to emedicneonline.com insomnia itself is not a condition, rather a telling tale, a symptom of a much larger condition. In my particular case, I am a prisoner of my memories, good and bad, and a slave to my fear of what the future holds.

I lie awake at night thinking of my childhood, adolescence and young adulthood. Those mile markers that make us or break us and some of us have more bad memories rather than pleasant ones.

The unfortunate thing about memories and us as human with emotions is that we tend to imprint places with those memories. One painful trip to the dentist and a fear is formed. A drive through town can become a waterfall, a tsunami of emotions and memories of a life past and an uncertain future.

Whiel we are always creating new memories, we never get rid of the old. Our brain is like internal memory on a computer. Each of us has a different capacity for what we can hold. How I wish that I could dump the painful memories onto a data stick and file them away and live only with the happy memories.

In 2004, there was a movie called Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. In this movie a couple whose relationship had soured each select to undergo a procedure in which they have the memories associated with the other person removed from their mind. In theory this would be an excellent answer for us to live "happy" lives. However, it is an impractical in practice. We are a sum of our parts and experiences and no matter how painful these are in our daily lives, we must find a way to reconcile our memories with our emotions and reclaim our sanity so that we can keep on keepin on.

Until I can balance those two things, I will find ways to cope, deal and expel the toxic thoughts that plague me.

Finding Myself

Have you ever put together a puzzle only to find out there is a piece or two missing? How about laying out pieces and find out there are more than one puzzles pieces laying before you?

Growing up we are all about learning our identity. Who we are, what we want and how we are going to accomplish these goals. Sometimes along the way we lose or footing. We forget what we were trying to accomplish, we find what our hidden desires are and in the bottom of the ninth we are reestablishing the game plan.

I have many memories of my childhood. They are often the memories of when I did something wrong or how I fell short in goals of mine that were set forth by others... or at least that's how it felt to me.

Reality is I was born late in life to my parents (at least my 1977 standards). My Brothers were 8 and 10 when I was born and my parents were 32 and 36. My life held the usual childhood events - bringing home chickenpox to share with my brothers, learning to ride a bike and swim with floaties while we "camped" during the summer and the unfortunate teasing that kids go through. Some more, some less but I was definitely on the more side.

When I was twelve my parents divorced. There are a lot of details of which for you, my blog reader, are not important. What you need to know was that it was painful. I never for a moment thought it was my fault like most children do. I knew what had happened and I knew that there was not a chance my family would be "the same" but we eventually evolved into a new kind of normal for us. I had visitation with my dad, lived with my mom, went to school, counseling and rode horses. My days at school were filled with teasing for a variety of reasons - I was different.

Different was the catch all phrase... basically I was not dressed in the coolest clothes, I had an enormous overbite that won me the title Bucky Beaver and I had gone through puberty when I was 10 which lead to the development of breasts and most of the other girls in class were still flat as boards. To them I was a freak of nature that had infiltrated their daily lives.

I had the framework for my puzzle, but not really anything inside of it. Like most people as we age we endure certain "rites of passage" and earn those pieces to add to our puzzle... to complete our story.

When I was a teenager, I graduated from high school, unremarkably in the top third of my class and I worked a couple of jobs. I did a semester at the local community college and did average. I longed for more. I dated a few boys which inevitably ended when they found someone they liked better. My mother once said to me that in her day, if you weren't engaged or married by the time you got out of high school you were considered an old maid. She continued to tell me that was no longer the standard and I should make sure I experienced life before I settled down.



Life continued and I dated a boy(man) with whom I felt great affection. We moved in together and lived this way for several years. The dark secret here was that he had a great affection for alcohol. This love affair for him was more potent than anything I had ever experienced with a man. Alcohol was his life. He would disappear for days on end, there were suspicions that he was cheating on me and I was a casualty in the midst. He ended up with a DUI and with me shuttling him between his jobs and still he drank. There were arguments, black outs and a lot of babysitting on my part. Inevitably, a friend of a friend witnessed his infidelity with their eyes and contacted me. The next day he moved out. Our relationship had actually been over for quite some time. We were more like roommates than romantic partners. I was always put off by the stench of stale alcohol on his breath and the fact that he didn't find me attractive anymore. He rathered his porn to me. When he moved out it was a relief. I felt that I had done everything I could have done for him, I had tried and that I no longer had to wait and wonder if he was gonna call from jail again or next time if I would get a call from the morgue. I added another piece to my puzzle - this one was called savior complex.



Shortly after I met Scott. we were introduced by mutual friends and right away I felt comfortable with him. Long phone conversations and long days spent together. The boys

had flown up for time with him and they were driving back to TX. We talked everyday while he was gone and the day he got back, I went to see him. We picked back up and soon were living together. That was when I got my first sign that things were wrong. I was helping to clean out his truck and I found a note to his dad. It was about how Shiela had come over and he had gotten a piece of ass. His reasoning to me was that he didn't think I would still be around when he got back from TX. I accepted the reasoning that we hadn't defined ourselves as exclusive. Over the next few months he moved out on me and came back three times. Insecurities of his rose to the surface and I fought for what I thought was a relationship worth saving, although in reality it caused me to be emotionally insecure... always waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Things eventually settled down and things were good...really good. We got engaged and married. I had had to sign a pre nup. IT was like divorce before the marriage. I was hurt, felt like my loyalty and love were being questioned. In the end I signed it because I was betting on love to win. How Stupid was I?

We moved to Washington due to military orders. I was off on an adventure. I was moving away from home, family and friends all to be with the man I married. Things were difficult mostly because he was gone a lot. We moved into a new townhouse and then the bomb dropped. Blake was coming to live with us. In two weeks I was going to go from the fun step mom who sent gifts and gave wisdom via telephone to a full time stop parent complete with upcoming four month deployment. I was scared shitless and I knew that this would make or break our family.

Blake came to live with us and like most 12 year olds he was a hand full. Scott deployed and things became like the seventh circle of hell. I fought for my sanity, my family and control everyday. When Scott got home he was overjoyed that Blake was not in jail and I had not filed for divorce. Seven months later he did.

My life was once again turned helter skelter and I hurt deep in my soul. I thought death would be easier, but everyday I woke up and went to work trying to find the value in helping others even though In felt decimated by what was happening in my own life.

By this time I had completed two degrees and was working on my Master's.

About the time the divorce was complete, I lost my job- My identity it was the bottom for me.

These were all pieces in the puzzle of my life.

I am a woman who has an Associates in Business and a Bachelors in Criminal Justice. I have been a wife, a mother, a friend, a sister, a daughter and an aunt. I value each of these puzzle pieces in my life because they have helped to contribute to the phenomenal person I have become. I used to feel that I grew up in the shadow of my brothers. They are handsome and successful and have lives that are well put together. I was always envious of them. Now I know I can be all they are and more if I just put forth the effort. Today I am more of an equal.

While I am currently broke because of our "tough economic times" and still searching for a job, I have the promise and hope of the future. Then puzzle pieces are starting to come together.

I have some medical issues - the thyroid, my metabolism, my depression, my insomnia - these are all puzzle pieces. They themselves don't define me, but they are there. Some of these puzzle pieces can be changed like a dual sided puzzle. Black , white,off, on they are there but not necessarily concrete.

What I know to be true-

I know that my life is really just starting at 32. I know that while I debate some big issues in my life there is still time. I bet on love and lost but I won't let that deter me from continuing to look for it. I will not settle for less than I am worth. Being lonely is different from being alone.

I have also come to some conclusions about my life. I know that I want a family of my own. I know that families come in different ways. Maybe it will be a long term relationship, maybe marriage. Maybe natural children, maybe step children or adopted children but nonetheless I want a family. I want to finish my degree and have a worthwhile career where I help people and make a difference And most of all I want to be Happy.

So here is to the road I have taken to collect my puzzle pieces.... I can't wait to see the finished project.