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Tuesday, March 31, 2009

If I can do it in heels, You can do anything....

So today I picked up the keys for my new apartment. It "piggy backs" if you will on the apartment complex where my dear friend K lives. In the spirit of my new found will to exercise and make healthier choices, we left her apartment and trapse through the woods in search of my new home. After running the length of a fence, clomping down the driveway area of my new complex and across the grassy knoll we arrive. I show her around, we discuss furniture placment etc and leave to get back to her apartment before sun down. We take a different more promising route that leads to the area where Christmas trees have been given their last rites. We continue to try to find a path to her place when I find that special tree branch that will forever be my friend.... OK so basically in heels you shouldn't try to hike and traverse over underbrush and fallen trees.... but we did it and I caught my goods on a tree branch. It is unfortunate that that is the most frisky anything has been with me in several months and even I got angry at it for thinking I was easy.... boy do I need a life.....

Anyways if I, the least grafeful person on the earth, can accomplish something in heels than anyone can do anything... I PROMISE

Monday, March 30, 2009

I Dream ....

I Dream of a time when men and women can have an honest conversation, say what they mean and mean what they say.

I Dream of a time when I am comfortable enough in my own skin to not care what a man thinks of me and that I can draw a line in the sand for respect and dignity instead of feeling like I need to pursue a man that obviously loves the game more than me.

I Dream of a time when a man will show me honesty, respect and love and I will be able to accept it without looking for ulterior motives.

I Dream of a time when I will live my life without the thought that my life is somehow missing something

I Dream of a time when I wake in the morning and I am happy to just be... be me, be alive, be greatful for what I have instead of being chased by the tentacles of depression and always wanting for a more fulfilling life.

I Dream of a time when I am not a prisoner of my past memories and they don't chase me into the night in forms of nightmares. I know I need to let go so that I can move on.

I Dream of a time when I don't feel that I am looking for approval from everyone in my life and I can live my life without being under a microscope.

I Dream of a time where my life is as good as the best dream you can think of.

Sunday, March 22, 2009

The Dictionary of Men

Here I am again, trying to understand what a man means when he says something to a women. I grew up with two older brothers who definitely did what they said they were going to. This means that I have a great expectation of the men I date to adhere to the same type of standards.
I know that there is no general dictionary for men because each one is different. For weeks now I have found comfort in the line "he's just not that into you" but I am finding out that a guy can be into you and still have trouble showing you because he has been burned in the past. I know that a guy can tell you he likes you and because you aren't ready to move at the speed of light in the direction of a relationship he looks elsewhere. For me this means that there are men out there that are just as confused as us women and are unable to properly express themselves or behave in a manner in which we question their motives.
This is why relationships don't last. People have come to believe that everything in society is disposable. We move in and out of relationships at the first sign that something is wrong, we are unable to put forth the proper effort to fight for what we want, we just allow the relationship to slip through our fingers in search of the greener side of things.
WHat is wrong with putting forth a little fight for what you believe in?
I am willing to fight for what I want, what I beleive and what I know will make me happy.

How many of you can say the same things?

Monday, March 16, 2009

The art of avoidance.

There is something to be said for avoiding conflict or anything that you feel may lead to a conflict. Some examples are:
~If your parents are calling and you have nothing you want to share, don't pick up the phone,
~If you don't want to talk to a member of the opposite sex for whatever reason, pretend you have fallen off the edge of the planet (because we TOTALLY believe that) and then we will automatically know to disregard any interactions we have ever had with you,
~If you don't want to pay your bills, stick your head in the sand or run away,
~If you have co workers or friends that drive you crazy, pretend they don't exist or are toally insane
anyways you get the point.... there is not enough mystery in life without playing these fabulous games with the people we interact with.

This is partially because we are socially retarded due to the rise of technology - after all you call, send a text or email... we can pretend we didn't get it and have no idea you were trying to contact us and the other is because we as a society have lost the ability to be forthright and accept repsonsilbility to engage or disengage from another human being.

As for me, I will continue to address things as head on as I can( I mean can men make that hard)

Go on with your bad self !!!

Sunday, March 15, 2009

When is enough enough?

Recently I have been through the wringer of life. My husband left me and filed for divorce, my job downsized me and generally, every man I meet wants something from me, whether they realize it or not. I have spoken to men and developed "relationships" based on email exchange and phone conversation and then they mysteriously disappear. I go through the process of getting to know them for them and all they want is a picture of me so that they can ridicule the way I look or just ignore me and disappear without a trace. Some even want just a physical encounter and quite frankly, even though I am a woman with needs, I know when to put my foot down. I have spent my life living in the shadows of my over achieving brothers and not amounting to much. I am never enough for anyone or I am too much for what they want. I know that now is the time for me to find out what makes me happy and live my life for me and no one else. The unfortunate part of this is currently I feel like a total failure and I can't see that there is a future to go to. It takes everything I am to get through each day. I decided that if I were to re work my personal ad it would read something like this.....


I am a strong woman... this means strong physically, mentally, emotionally and in will. I am a real woman with curves. If you are looking for a Barbie Doll, may I suggest the nearest aisle at the toy store or a boy since they are lithe, non curvy, no chested substitutes for a girl. If you are thinking of running a game, let me inform you first and foremost that I am smart and in most cases smarter than you. You will not win or "get away" with anything. If you are looking for a girl to play games with, get yourself a blowup doll or a lobotomized patient from the nearest mental institution. Don't write quirky pithy lines in hopes of catching my eye because when it comes down to it, I want a man who is willing to walk the walk instead of talking the talk. I want a real man. This means a man who can tell the truth even when it might hurt, a man who knows that I am a sum of my experiences and not damaged goods in spite of them, a man who knows how to be a real lover and friend, a man that provides the spark that is needed. Don't put on your profile that you are seeking a long term relationship and then make excuses why that can't be or happen.... It could be you just aren't that into me, or you believe that that line will garner you more feline satisfaction and is only a guise.

I have had more inappropriate things said to me, messaged to me and general bad manners on the behalf of the male species. If being gay was a choice, I would have run screaming for the other team by now, but in all my wise, witty and charming characteristics I still believe that somewhere out there is the one perfect man who is also wondering where I am. I am running low on faith and patience and I am sure he must be as well. This is also assuming that he exists and hasn't given up.

If you, the man reading this, have gotten this far here are my criteria : You must be white or at least white-ish. This means I do not want a black man, an asian man or a middle eastern man. This is not racist, these are MY preferences. I also want a man who is close in age. This means if you are old enough to be my father.... grow up and EWWW. I am not interested in a man who is too young as in barely legal. While I am sure you are a "stallion" in your own mind, I have grown weary of teaching men (aka boys) the ins and outs of pleasing a lady. I want a man who already has the basics down and doens;t need a continuous ego boost. I am coming into my sexual prime. This means that while there is always give and take, you had better be able to go the distance and not need to be coached along the way more often than not.

Now I can only assume that at this point I also need to state a few more obvious points. Do not send me a form email about how beautiful I am because I can smell it coming from a mile away.. this also means don't send me the same form email over the course of a few days.. MY memory is better than yours so see above ( I am smarter than you, etc) this means I know you are full of shit and I will not respond. Don't tell me that and hour drive is to far away for a meaningful relationship... I came 3000 miles across the country because of love and a meaningful relationship. All that does is show that you are not even remotley close to serious about finding a long term anything except for a provider of sex for your needs.

Men: speak what you mean and follow through if you are serious. There are too many women out there that act like idiots, spaz's, morons, stalkers etc because you are the masters at redirection and unclear signals. All this time you blame the women for not knowing better when in fact you are all a bunch of morons that are unable to be true to yourselves, or anyone else for that matter.

I am here to tell you, I fell for it. Recently I fell for a guy. I had no picture of this guy and the joke with my friends was that he could look like a mailbox for all I cared. I drove 2 hours to where he lived because I thought he was serious when he said I can't see you tonight, but tomorrow I can. AS you can probably already tell I did not see him and still didn't know what he looked like. We made a date to meet and he gave me a reason that he had to push it off and then he disappeared. A week later he resurfaced and I was dealing with all this crap over seeing Scott again. I asked for him to call me to tell me things would be okay. He promised he would, only after I sent him a photo. Photo after photo and he told me they were blurry and then he disappeared again. Basically, he finally got one that wasn't blurry and I was too fat for him to accept. By the way, I did get a photo and he was adorable..... too bad he didn't feel the same way.... I think we could have been good together.......

What is my point here? That even I, the smart chick with glasses, can be duped by a man, more than once even. What happens is the wall around my heart becomes more fortified with each deception and therefore harder for me to trust or accept anyone at face value. The good thing about being jaded is you know that you will never settle, unfortunatley the price will be that I may never find happiness.

When is enough, enough?
I'll let you know when I have figured it out... until then I am sure that I will continue to find out with each disappointing encounter I have.

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

And we're back

Okay, so I have been off of the blogosphere for many, many weeks at this point. Where do I begin? I have had requests for my views on the life of a newly single woman, my thoughts on movies, books and other odds and ends.
Let's jump in:

The Bachelor Jason Mesnick -

What a total D@#$chbag. Here we are believing hook line and sinker that he is a truly mazing and wonderful guy who is blah blah balh....I don't care what the hell he has been through, what happened last night was disgusting and sickening. I am not saying that the man needs to marry the girl he selects on a national television show because we thin his decision is binding, but if you decide you actually do not want to be with, marry the girl you selected - DON"T DUMP HER ON NATIONAL TV.... I mean good God you dumb ass. That was cruel and harsh. That made you look like a total heartless asshole. I never watch this type of show and now I know why. I am so starved for romance I watched this and hoped that a fairy tale would happen. This made me just sick... and then Molly being stupid enough to say.. thanks for letting me your second choice, sure I'll be with you now that you used the other girl. All of these people need to be taken out back and shot for being so stupid......

He's just not that into you -

I saw this movie and laughed my damn ass off. It didn't bash men necessarily, it showed many different men ( Thank God for Ben Afflecks character --- good men do exist) What I learned - if a man wants to be with you, he will make it happen... period end of story. IF is isn't that into you.. he doesn't give a rats ass so don't chase him, he doesn't want you, you really don't want him because he is an ass and you will only look psycho for chasing. The good men are out there. They unfortunately have been mistreated and are the shy guys who hold back instead of being the aggresive dirty asses who are only after one thing.. and yes I mean that one thing.

The dating world -

I have become members to several online websites. Let me tell you the amount of creeps that are out there. They begin a conversation with "got any pictures" and " wann f*&K" Really? is that what I have to look forward to because if so I am going to become a nun....
Ok I am not saying all the guys I have met are bad. I have met some confused (regarding their sexual orientation) some that "think" they are a pimp ( who hits on the waitress in front of you and then asks for sex) and those that ask you out for drinks you end up paying for.....

The good men are shy, sweet and committed to showing you that you are a lady. I know I am worth that kind of treatment and so now I will expect better treatment than I have received.

My soon to be ex -

One week and we have our property division settlement meeting. While I will always love the man I married, I will mourn him also because he ceased to exist the moment my stepson moved in with us. We soon will be legal to go our separate ways and I have already begun the steps to be me and free. I wish him no ill will and I know one day he will regret what has happened, but it will be too late and he will forever be plagued by it, while I will be moving on because that is what I need to do for myself. I am not the same woman I was, but some man is going to benefit because I am a strong, intelligent, witty, funny, sassy, amazing woman..... if I were a man I would want to be with me.

Well for now I think that is a bit to mull over.... I will post again later.....