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Monday, November 24, 2008

Punishment

I realized earlier I mentioned someone said that I was being punished and I relaized I didn't go further into that.

I know that I have a problem spending money. I have admitted this.
I know I have not been the best step mom ( or the worst) I have admitted this.
I have tried to do the right things. I have admitted that I thought I was doing right by my family
I have an unnatural need to be in control. I have admitted this.
I also say sarcastic things that hurt people. I have admitted this and am sorry for the scars I have left because of this.

I HAVE NOT been unfaithful, been physically abusive or intentionally abusive emotionally or mentally.

People, what I am saying is that I am human and I have faults. I have apologized and acknowledged my problems and taken a long look at myself. I hope that whatever I am being punished for, I hope that I am found to be humble and repentive.

The One Thing I Want For Christmas

I am absolutely sure about the one thing I want for Christmas.

It is not something that can be bought.

It cannot be forced.

It cannotbe bargined for.

I want my family back together.... here... with me.

Can anyone help me with this wish? Please!

Psychiatric Medications and McDonald's Cheeseburgers

Here I am still trying to make contact with my husband and feeling kinda down. I show up to my medication appointment this afternoon and when asked how I am, I become hysterical. Why? well, my life is a mess and I sleep no more than 3 hours a night. I am crying and telling this doctor that my meds are not working and I need to be taken off of them - what I get in return are prescriptions for higher doses of what I am on. I had not done an effective job of showing how well adjusted I am for her to take me off of the meds. So here I am will higher doses and the promise that this will help me sleep and improve the constant crying that is going on. Apparently I am taking anough meds to tranquelize a Rhinocerous and yep.. I only sleep 3 hours. Go figure. My metabolism is so messed up, I can't even take meds in an appropriate dose to be normal. Not to mention it is alluded to that I am being punished by my husband. I thought that was an interesting comment. I know he had spoken with her once, but she could not tell me about once and I get that. But if this is about punishing me, I think I have endured a lot emotionally and I still want my family back no matter what it takes. I am tired of hearing how strong I am. I am not saying those comments are not appreciated, just that being strong is not how I feel right now. I do however know that some have seen my ability to get up, gt dresses and show up for work everyday since Scott left me as a huge accomplishment. Another accomplishment is being 2 classes into my Masters with a 4.0 GPA.

Anyways onto the Cheeseburger -

So being pathetic and having a pity party for one, I stop by McDonald's and get a couple cheeseburgers. Whenever I get a cheeseburger from McD's I have to smell it. I know that sounds strange, but there is something comforting about the smell of a cheeseburger ala Happy Meal. Anyways, cheeseburgers in hand I came home and here I blog before returning to schoolwork and an attempt at sleeping with double meds on board. Maybe tomorrow I will wake up with an optimistic outlook on life.... although I am almost certain that until I am able to make contact with my husband I will piss on the cherrios of anyone who makes me mad. If I were you, I wouldn't let me near your food items........

Sunday, November 23, 2008

What more can I say?

Everyday I get up, I go to work, run errands, do homework etc. and the only things I can think of are Scott and Blake. Everything I do I want to share with them. I am heart broken for my family, I miss them and I want them to come back. What else is there to say?

All I can say is that I hope God is working on this situation. I know there is a reason for everything and that there are no coincidences in life. I know what I feel will be the outcome here, but I am anxious and tired of hurting inside everyday while I wait for my family to return to me.

Please God give me the strength to persevere and let yourself into my families heart. Allow them to see that I want them back, that they want to come back and that we belong here together.

Saturday, November 22, 2008

Wife goes on...

Heard that line in the advertisement for a TV show and thought it appropriate.

I get up each day and slug through my so called life. Some days are better than others and as you are reading this you are probably wondering whats constitutes a good day.... and the answer would be any day that I get through and don't break down crying. Today was not a good day, and now that I think of it, there are few good days at all in this situation.

Tonight I had to stop at Walmart to get the usual puppy pee pee pads that have become a staple here at chez shafer. They are playing Christmas music in the store. Due to my current situation the thoughts of the upcoming holidays make me nauseous and I break out in a burning sweat. It was all I could do to get through the store, pay and get to the car. I got to church early so I went upstairs to the sanctuary where they hold Sunday services. I sat in the empty hall and wept. i miss my husband, I miss my son, I miss my family and my life. I am empty and dead inside and nothing makes it better. I put on a brave face when I step foot out the door, but even then there are times I can't keep it together.

And it just gets worse.

I pray to GOD all the time. I ask for his guidance, his advice and I feel that I am being lead to fight for my marriage. There is no anger, no malice only hurt. I feel that if my husband would just talk to me, we could resolve whatever problems we have together thus making our marriage stronger in the meantime. I pray everyday that he will accept God into his heart and be lead to give our marriage another chance.

When I got down into the gym, I was met by the mother in law of my friend who gave me and each of her daughter in laws with roses. It was a moment that I know God was working by telling me that I am loved.

I only hope this means that God is working behind the scenes and soon all will be revealed. In the meantime, while I am praying for God's help with my marriage, I need to do my homework. It has been increasingly difficult to stepout of my self wallowing to get assignments done on time, but somehow I always pull it off and a good grade to boot.

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Breaking My Silence

On September 30, 2008 my husband of three years walked out the door on me. I am dessimated by this, but this is not all about me in the poor me waay you might think. Its about being accountable for my actions and how I hurt the mot important people in my life. If I am going to talk the talk I need to walk the walk about accountability.

There was a list of how I had wronged him, B and our marriage. I admit that I am far from perfect but I really tried to be what everyone wanted me to be. I struggle every day with thoughts of my husband and son. I think about them when I see something funny and I want to tell one of them about it. I want to call my husband and say I miss you and I Love you, See you tonight. I want to tell me how much fun I'm not in his playful way. I miss them and I want them to come home to me... but I know that is selfish too. Just one more black mark against me.

I am obnoxious, hard headed, controlling, dictatorial, mean and short tempered. I cry often when I get stressed or upset. I am to much for others to be around. I lack the ability to be touchy feely when others need that type of reassurance from me. I could tell you about the perception I have of my childhood, of the things I know that happened and try to justify things, but in the end I am scarred and damaged and apparently it rubs off on those that I love the most and turns them against me.

My husband, S is the greatest man I have ever known. He is Loving and warm, passionate and kind, generous, handsome, strong, forgiving and my best friend. Or at least he was. Not only have I LOST MY HUSBAND, but my best friend as well.

As I sit here typing this for the world to see my wounds and for those to throw salt in, I want you all to reflect on the significant people in your life. Never take them for granted, communicate with them so much that there isn't anything left unsaid, know that there isn't anything too big that through communication, hard work and undying love that can't be fixed and that True Love Never Dies.
I am fightng for my marriage in the only ways I know how, and hoping I don't anger S in the process. I am trying get him to see that I acknowledge my faults,I am asking for his help and forgiveness and I desperately want him back.

B and I have our share of troubles, more than some families, less than others. But this is something that makes us unique and entertaining to the outside world. They could put us ina cage together and give tours to outsiders for money.

What I am saying to all of you is that yes, I have my faults. Some are bigger than others. Somewhere along the way, my husband lost the faith that he could communicate with me openly because I was afraid and angry. Things has transpired that made me feel that way and instead of voicing them in a non confrontational manner, every time I let myself be wounded, I lashed out.

I made it impossible for him to trust me and I ruined the greatest thing I ever had in my life - my love, my husbands respect for me, his trust in me, our future together.

I sit here, a thirty one year old woman, blubbering uncontrollably because I have ruined my marriage. I have tried to contact my husband numerous times to apologize, to try to work things out but I have damaged things so badly that he cannot possibly think of one reason why he should give me another try.

Let's face it people, I f-ed up royally. I had the greatest guy in the world and I blew it. I have begged and pleaded and bargained with GOD and with Scott and to no avail.

Simply put, I want my husband and my son back. I am tired of aching every day and every night for them. I cry all the time and as a matter of fact,this blog has taken me over an hour to write because I can't stop blubbering tonight. And so goes the pattern. I cry, a piece inside me dies and I feel empty and hollow inside without my Shafer men. They make me laugh and cry and angry but with them around i always felt alive inside. They cheered me on through hard times with homework because they believed in me, and I failed them.

I hope this blog finds them well and happy. Even though I want them to come back to me, I know I can't control that even if I want it with all of my being and soul and heart. I hope they can see this as another apology that is true and pure. I hope S & B an find it in their hearts and souls to forgive me and come back home to give me another chance.

My friends, please pray for our family during this difficult time.

I have learned through counseling that forgiveness is essential for helping to move on. If I have ever wronged any of you I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me and for those of you who have said or done hurtful things to me, I have learned to truly forgive you to set myself free from the weight of hurt I have carried for so long.

I am blessed to have each one of you in my live (even if you don't comment on my blog, LOL)